I rarely (never?) make personal posts, but, thanks to the input of two of my very best friends (I love you both), Iāve decided to take this chance to semi-anonymously vent. What Iām about to write involves a problem thatās caused me a great deal of stress and pain. Only the two friends mentioned above know the full and unedited story. Itās made me doubt myself in so many ways. I will not give names of anybody involved and would appreciate if you donāt ask. Iām sorry but itās likely Iāll also probably delete this later. Right now I just need to get it out.
Months (almost a year) ago I began an online correspondence with someone in the entertainment industry. This person is not exactly āfamousā but well known enough that they have fans. Heās part of an ensemble and, though I had always valued his contributions, I didnāt attempt to interact with him. He and the others were quite accessible via social media, but I just didnāt feel a desire to reach out to him. I didnāt even know much about him outside of his career. It all began when other other fans started pointing out that he was giving me an unusual (for him) amount of attention in the online groups. Multiple fans were posting photos in newly released merch, but only mine were liked. He, who didnāt typically like posts, regularly liked mine. He even found and began to follow my personal social media accounts before me following his and liking stuff that had nothing to do with his work. At the time this was not something he did with fans he had never even met. Eventually I got up the nerve to send him a quick fan message and our first interactions began. Over time I grew to know him much better and slowly our relationship crossed over from fan and artist to something different. Now, at no point would I say he was āskeevyā but very soon I knew exactly why he had given me so much attention in the first placeā¦.
I should point out that I havenāt been in a relationship in a while and Iām a survivor of abuse. Rarely do I find myself attracted to someone I actually know because, frankly, Iāve feared men. With him it was completely different. I couldnāt wait to meet him in person and counted the days when the chance presented itself. By the time the day had arrived it felt as if I was going to meet someone I had known forever. Our messages had cooled while he was busy but there was still interaction. By now I was having to deny our personal interactions because others were catching on just based on public attention. I got good at it. āOh, I donāt know, isnāt he gay or something?ā āWe have some friends in common, you seeā¦ā
Then the day came that we met and Iāve yet to make sense of it. I had heard and continue to hear stories of warm encounters with him. I can only describe my own as āhot and coldā. At points he was the excited, lovely individual I expected, but then he would become suddenly cold/kinda rude. Given there were others around, I assumed this was only natural and waited until we were sitting alone to properly speak to him. His attitude remained the same. He would excitedly speak with me and then it was as if he suddenly remembered he shouldnāt. Thatās the only way I can explain it. Heād stare at his phone and at one point just shook his head without looking up when I asked a question. He suddenly got up and left without returning. I was left sitting alone and utterly confused. Why was he acting like this after all that? Even another member of the ensemble seem to noticed my sadness and came over to speak with me for a moment.
Later, after all had performed, he and I talked again. This time he was more like I the man I knew. āYou were greatā, I told him, as he hugged me tight. āI wish I was going to the next stopā. It was as if I had found the words to turn him to ice again. He suddenly backed away and began to busy himself helping the stage hands. āUm, I donāt even know where we are going, actuallyā, he stuttered before turning his back to me. That wasnāt true. He always posted the locations. It was as he was afraid I might show up at the next show. As he continued to bury himself in the equipment and not look at me, I got the point and wandered off to the merchandise booth. I was more confused than ever. Did he just decide he didnāt want me after meeting me in person? I had always done my best not to seem āaggressiveā but had I scared him off before we even met? I thought of those questions and others again and again. In the days that followed he started to lavish attention on me once more, including publicly liking āsexyā artistic photos of me. This made no sense if he was creeped out by me in some way. I was too scared to just ask why he had behaved that way. Many nights I talked to my best friends and asked what they thought was going through his mind. As pathetic as it sounds, Iāve yet to ask him why because I donāt wanna seem needy. He knows it was obviously weird. I wanna pretend I didnāt care anyway, but I did. I cared a lot.
Things only became worse when I learned that there were a few girls in his life. I did and still believe him to be a good and respectful person, but at least two of these girls were obviously displeased with the nature of their relationships with him. They caught on that there was āsomethingā between him and I (or so they thought) and sought to make me know my place. I had my social media stalked, was shown multiple pictures as āproofā they were his gf, and more. I dreaded opening my phone. Once I actually vomited from nerves. And yet, not once did I tell him they were doing this to me because, again, I didnāt want HIM to be upset. I continued to deny as well. Iāve gone to such great lengths to protect him, but for once I just need to get it out and say what I wish I had told him; Iām hurt.