My nails will break my spine

Amber: Me too.

Luigi: Meh. What do we want, then?

Pavi and Amber: Ice cream!.

Luigi: Wha- no!

Amber: I could go for some tutti fucking frutti!

Pavi: Ah! Me too!

Amber and Pavi: Tutti fucking frutti!

Luigi: Shut up!

Pavi: Tutti fucking frutti!~

Luigi: Listen: There is no fucking ice cream, in your fucking future!

we loved Sopor. I remember he once told me he wanted to study the human brain’s reaction to Anna Varney’s music and he was sad cause he never went to medical school. I told him we could steal machines from a hospital and I’d be his laboratory rat.

I wonder what he would have thought of the guitars. it’s the first time Anna puts guitars in an album. It’s fabulous.

Months (almost a year) ago I began an online correspondence with someone in the entertainment industry. This person is not exactly “famous” but well known enough that they have fans. He’s part of an ensemble and, though I had always valued his contributions, I didn’t attempt to interact with him. He and the others were quite accessible via social media, but I just didn’t feel a desire to reach out to him. I didn’t even know much about him outside of his career. It all began when other other fans started pointing out that he was giving me an unusual (for him) amount of attention in the online groups. Multiple fans were posting photos in newly released merch, but only mine were liked. He, who didn’t typically like posts, regularly liked mine. He even found and began to follow my personal social media accounts before me following his and liking stuff that had nothing to do with his work. At the time this was not something he did with fans he had never even met. Eventually I got up the nerve to send him a quick fan message and our first interactions began. Over time I grew to know him much better and slowly our relationship crossed over from fan and artist to something different. Now, at no point would I say he was “skeevy” but very soon I knew exactly why he had given me so much attention in the first place….

I should point out that I haven’t been in a relationship in a while and I’m a survivor of abuse. Rarely do I find myself attracted to someone I actually know because, frankly, I’ve feared men. With him it was completely different. I couldn’t wait to meet him in person and counted the days when the chance presented itself. By the time the day had arrived it felt as if I was going to meet someone I had known forever. Our messages had cooled while he was busy but there was still interaction. By now I was having to deny our personal interactions because others were catching on just based on public attention. I got good at it. “Oh, I don’t know, isn’t he gay or something?” “We have some friends in common, you see…”

Then the day came that we met and I’ve yet to make sense of it. I had heard and continue to hear stories of warm encounters with him. I can only describe my own as “hot and cold”. At points he was the excited, lovely individual I expected, but then he would become suddenly cold/kinda rude. Given there were others around, I assumed this was only natural and waited until we were sitting alone to properly speak to him. His attitude remained the same. He would excitedly speak with me and then it was as if he suddenly remembered he shouldn’t. That’s the only way I can explain it. He’d stare at his phone and at one point just shook his head without looking up when I asked a question. He suddenly got up and left without returning. I was left sitting alone and utterly confused. Why was he acting like this after all that? Even another member of the ensemble seem to noticed my sadness and came over to speak with me for a moment.

Later, after all had performed, he and I talked again. This time he was more like I the man I knew. “You were great”, I told him, as he hugged me tight. “I wish I was going to the next stop”. It was as if I had found the words to turn him to ice again. He suddenly backed away and began to busy himself helping the stage hands. “Um, I don’t even know where we are going, actually”, he stuttered before turning his back to me. That wasn’t true. He always posted the locations. It was as he was afraid I might show up at the next show. As he continued to bury himself in the equipment and not look at me, I got the point and wandered off to the merchandise booth. I was more confused than ever. Did he just decide he didn’t want me after meeting me in person? I had always done my best not to seem “aggressive” but had I scared him off before we even met? I thought of those questions and others again and again. In the days that followed he started to lavish attention on me once more, including publicly liking “sexy” artistic photos of me. This made no sense if he was creeped out by me in some way. I was too scared to just ask why he had behaved that way. Many nights I talked to my best friends and asked what they thought was going through his mind. As pathetic as it sounds, I’ve yet to ask him why because I don’t wanna seem needy. He knows it was obviously weird. I wanna pretend I didn’t care anyway, but I did. I cared a lot.

Vander von Odd at Switch n’ Play