The Face of Death

The picture fluttered to the ground as Splinter released released his grip on it and clamped his fingers instead onto the folds of gills, moving on instinct as he pulled himself from the hug and slammed the body of Xever against the wall behind them. A heavy vibration rocked his senses as he slammed his companion against brick at full force, and for a second their eyes locked. Splinter’s face was curled up in a feral sneer, but after a few seconds of heavy breathing his countenance regained it’s human composure. “…Hate…” The word tasted bitter upon his lips. After a long thoughtful pause Splinter released his hold on the fish, quaking with adrenaline. “Hate. Yes, hating people did you plenty of good didn’t it? And Saki certainly found his peace in turning fury into a crutch”

Splinter kneeled down on the floor, rummaging around for the dropped picture that he eventually recovered and held to his chest with a pensive sadness. “Come on…” he muttered, making his way further into the black ash-ridden shell of his old lair “Maybe there’s something else down here that survived the arson”

Xever followed behind Splinter yet didn’t say anything else in relation to the previous conversation. It was plainly obvious from his violent actions that the rat preferred things to stay silent at present, so that they could search this place in peace. Xever had wanted to make things better yet had only made them worse.

(I never know what to do or say anymore when it comes to Splinter. Anything I do say doesn’t seem to matter, much like this accursed existence both him and me have to share with one another. I used to be so sure of myself, but now its like that part of me is gone for good. What can I do to help Splinter? I’d do anything if it meant I could make this pain easier for him to bare. I deserve to be hated for what I’ve done to him, but he wouldn’t want to do that knowing we’re stuck together.)

… if he left, then Mikey would be truly alone.

Unless he figured out a way to alter the playing field, the small turtle knew that whatever he chose, he was going to lose something very important.

“And… and about the whole ‘shit hitting the fan’ thing… you… you don’t think it’ll have something to do with the Hamato Clan do you?”

“Yeah, you can totally have time to think things over. Like I said I’m not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do Mikey. Perhaps a month is too soon anyway. It might not be happening yet, whatever it is that’s going to happen. My fish gut’s not being particularly clear about the when aspect of the danger. It could happen tomorrow, next week, next month, but definitely not next year. The Hamato Clan might be apart of it or they might not be it could go either way. I do know that the Kranng will lie at the heart of it though, since I’ve noticed they’ve been more active around the city the past few days. I don’t trust those blobs in the slightest.”

Although he allowed the blindfold to be tied back over his eyes, Michelangelo had very mixed emotions about this plan. The Footclan wasn’t the nicest group in the world, but he didn’t want to leave them behind… they were a team after all (albeit an unwitting team.) But mostly…. as confusing as it was… the idea of never seeing the Hamato Clan again was extremely discomforting. Enemies or not he was drawn to them, and was quite certain that even if he did jump ship he wouldn’t rest easy leaving the matter of the mysterious turtles open-ended.

“B-But… I like New York city” Mikey explained, turning his head as if he was able to examine the skyline through his blindfold “I like the cars and the busyness and the loud mutant outbreaks. Master Shredder is no fun to work under, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not like we can straight up leave the city!”

“Look, you might not be aware but Shredder hasn’t been of sound mind as of late. Ever since he lost his beloved princess he hasn’t had one logical thought. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that something bad is going to happen. And I want to be far away from that trouble when it happens. The Foot is nothing to me, it was always a way of paying the bills and keeping in with the most powerful men in the underworld. I did respect Saki at one point but that time has since passed us by."

However, this kind of weirdness was a whole different ball game.

Mikey reached up and removed his blind fold, revealing a cocked brow looming above his amused smile “You know I’m good at keeping secrets dude… but I don’t get what you’re going on about. I’m perfectly fine with the Foot! Seriously.”

This claim was not altogether accurate. However, he had quickly learned that any doubts about his place in the clan were not to be spoken of so freely. He still bore a few bruises and scratches from when he answered a similar question honestly, just to receive a firm beatdown talking to from Tiger Claw under the surveillance of Shredder. Xever hadn’t shown previous signs of deception… but there was a chance this was a test. It was just the sort of thing Shredder would do… Still….

“… What… plan do you have in mind?” Mikey asked with a hint of hope in his voice.

“Well, it involves you keeping this cloth over your eyes for a start.”

Xever stopped jumping about the cityscape for a moment to put the blindfold back onto Mikey’s eyes again this time making sure to use a thick knot so the three fingered turtle would have a hard-time getting it off now that is securely tied up.

“The less you know about where we’re going to less chance you have of spilling it over to the bosses. As for the plan its still only in the early stages of development. The basic premise is I intend to escape this city with you on the back of my motorcycle. We find a place out in the deep wilderness and spend the rest of our days away from those who might hunt us down. Simple but effective if I do say so myself. The how and when are the major problems I have with the overall scheme it has to happen in the next month if we’re to stand any chance of escape...”

Eventually the fish mutant stopped jumping again and patted the back of Mike’s head in a reassuring manner not unlike what he did before sometime ago.

He reached out with a scarred quivering hand and clasped the photo being given to him. He stared at it long and hard… waiting for the inevitable bullet of emotion to tear through him. After seeing his sons faces in that familiar photograph, everything should have come flooding back to him. He had prepared himself the whole walk here to be broken again, and to accept being broken again…

But much to his disappointment, he numb. No matter how hard he looked at the photograph, he couldn’t quite see the photograph… 

When Xever’s well-meaning advice joined with this realization, he felt a fiery aggravation burn within him. His unwillingness to open up was not a matter of choice, it was the only choice he had. It was the way he had been raised, and as aforementioned it was his only means of self preservation in the hands of the enemy, and now for the first time ever he truly, genuinely wanted to let it all out. He wanted to scream and cry and truly mourn for everything he’d lost without caring for an ounce of dignity….

“But I can’t!”

In a break from his usual composure and self-control his hand squeezed the photo, crumpling it’s edges and causing a small layer of ash flutter to the floor, his internal conversation suddenly turning vocal.

“This is my home isn’t it!? This is where my last truly happy memories were spent and yet I don’t even feel a fraction of what I thought I’d feel… what I should feel!”

Holding the photo at his side, the rat sharply turned to the fish, hands and voice alike trembling “They were my sons Xever! and they died because of my vendetta!… and yet here I am, more focused on being mad at you than mourning them!”

He then stopped, staring at Xever in a strange desperate pause before tears finally came. But they were bitter tears, not mournful tears, and in light of them Splinter pressed his hands to his head and sank to the floor, trying to make sense out of his own emotional state.

“I’m sorry, I’m being a hypocrite by saying such harsh words to you Yoshi. People grieve in different ways when faced with tragic circumstances. I should know that better than anyone given how closed off I became once I lost Rajan. For the longest time I didn’t know how I truly felt, so I hid behind anger because it was the only emotional reaction I knew I could count on to make the pain go away. That snowballed overtime until the rage was all that remained within the contents of my heart. You saw how that fiery emotion changed me into the murderous monster that once tormented you in that dark dank cell. I never held it back, I let it burn without restraint until it consumed all of the happy memories I once held about my dear friend. I wanted to consume the world with my fire, let everyone feel the same anguish that I felt. It was so easy to just give in and let it take hold of me.”

Xever came in close to the rodent mutant and placed a scaled hand upon his shoulder while he continued to speak to him in a reserved tone of voice.

“If you want to hate me then by all means go ahead. I deserve to be despised for letting myself fall so deep into the pits of flame and lava. It wasn’t enough that I wanted to hunt down those who hurt me, I chose to hurt innocent people too despite them playing no part in my tragedy. All I do is inflict pain upon others, that’s all I’m good for whether you disagree with me or not. I might not have played a personal part in the deaths of your sons, yet I still involved myself to some degree especially when it came to harming you. I understand perfectly why you will never forgive me for playing my part. In all honesty I don’t expect you to ever forgive me, I’d prefer that you hate my guts. Being hated for my many sins is something I’m used to, its familiar to me much like acting reserved is to you. It it helps you overcome these emotions then feel free to curse my name. Its the least I can do...”

Once again Xever was being uncharacteristically kind to his captive despite still being bound together by the mind meld technology Baxter Stockman had devised. The fishman even went so far as to hug Splinter, but only so he could perhaps magnify the amount of anger the other might feel for him taking such brazen actions. It was so much simpler that way, to be completely reviled by the world instead of being liked. When people liked one another it only hurt when those people that were liked were no longer around. Xever didn’t want to be liked by anyone because that meant when he eventually died no one would mourn him.

“Curse me, you know you want to. Hate me because hating makes things better when you’re sad it might be the wrong thing to do but if it helps you...”

(You have to understand that when the foot first captured me you turned every emotion I had around in an attempt to injure me further. Everyone did. I’m not trying to devalue your efforts to reconcile, and I’ll attempt to give you the benefit of the doubt whenever possible, but if I choose to keep to myself then please do not hold it against me. There are simply some things that can not be immediately reversed)

The rat had spent a good portion of his life keeping most of his emotions under wraps, and while some people would have had such barriers broken down by torture Yoshi found that his resolve to keep his sorrows a secret had grown only stronger under pressure. However, when he and the fish began to pass blatant signs of fire damage as they drew ever closer to the location of the lair, Splinter felt that perhaps he would not succeed in escaping this situation without revealing some piece of his heart to the mutant fish.

He felt his stomach twist and his limbs quake as he finally found the subway tunnel he knew led into his old home, signs of smoke and soot staining almost every brick surrounding the lair’s entrance.

(…I should have known…)

(You can shut your eyes if this trip back to your old home is too much for you. I don’t want to cause you anymore pain. I merely want to be sure there’s nothing we can salvage that might make your existence more bearable. Old mementos stuff like that you know? You’d definitely want that picture over there right? Looks like the turtles are standing near a wall or something, its not that badly damaged. In-fact I’d say it was in good condition despite how ruined everything else is.)

Xever walked over to where the photo was and looked upon it for a brief second before handing it over to the rodent. The fishman could already tell this wasn’t going to be easy for Splinter, he didn’t need a mind link to figure that one out. Coming here might have been the worst idea Xever had in ages on the otherhand though, traumatic memories of the past had to be faced. Xever had to face his demons relating to Rajan, perhaps in retrospect he wanted Splinter to face his demons too so the process of overcoming it would be easier for Xever.

(There’s no one here but you and me Yoshi. Even if you do say or think anything personal its not likely that I’ll tell anyone about it. Don’t you think keeping all your emotions inside is only making you feel worse? Try being honest with yourself for a change. It helped me overcome a few hurdles maybe it can aid you as well? I’m not saying you have to do that its just a suggestion. I got the feeling from that one memory I saw of your past that you had to restrain yourself a lot when growing up. Its not easy for a person like that to be honest is it? So its fine no big deal.)

If the silence wasn’t so jarring Splinter would have found the highly suspicious attempt to keep his mind off of the situation humerus. He had wondered while trapped underground what would become of the earth now that his sons weren’t around to protect it. The Kraang had tried to invade earth twice, they would certainly do it again, and though April Casey and The Mutanimals were strong there was no denying the turtles played heavy roles in pulling the world back from the brink of destruction.

Considering what he had expected, Splinter decided a desolate city was certainly better than an eradicated earth. However, there was no denying that there must have been quite the lengthy story behind how New York of all places had been rendered a silent shell of it’s former self.

(I will admit, the world is in far better condition than I expected it to be, but all the same the atmosphere here is so… foreboding.)

(Yeah, sorry about that. I guess I went too far in my efforts to keep you calm. I just wanna keep things good for you Yoshi. I know that sounds strange given what I’ve done, but I honestly want to make up for what I’ve done to you. Its kinda lame for me to say this, but you’re the closest thing to a friend I’ve had in a very long time. I so wish I’d met you sooner before all this happened. I might have been something...)

Xever and Splinter were now coming to the area where one would only be a few steps away from the old lair. The fishman had mapped out the route in advance as he always did, before long the pair of mutants were below ground and making their way through the empty sewers. It wouldn’t be long till they were there.

(Perhaps all I wanted was someone who’d really listen to me and my troubles. Keeping everything inside only hurt me in the end. I hope you don’t do that, there’s no reason for us to keep secrets anymore is there? We pretty much share the same mind space why should we lie to one another?)

And, speaking of taking things for granted, the rat found himself shaken with long-absent happiness when he recalled something that should have been immediately obvious: in order to get to the lair, he would first need to venture outside.

Emerging to the surface the first thing that struck him was the smell of fresh air and the slight breeze, immediately followed up by the overpowering beauty of the moon looming above. These three simple things were so overwhelming that for a long time Splinter didn’t realize that it was quiet… far too quiet… especially for New York.

(It is beautiful, more beautiful than anything I’ve seen in a long time. Let’s leave the subject of suffering alone for a while… I just want to enjoy this.)

However, as they carried through the city it only seemed to grow all the more desolate. Splinter recalled that some streets and alleyways could be surprisingly empty at certain times, but this level of lifelessness was undeniably odd. Once the immediate sense of freedom and relief dimmed back into rationality, the rat found feelings of suspicion and anxiety looming just above his tranquil admiration of the outside world.

(Xever… has the city always been this quiet?) 

(Hmm, so you noticed huh? Yeah, I should’ve known you would pick up on it right away. The city isn’t exactly the same anymore Yoshi. People stay indoors when night rolls around, I’ve not seen anyone going out at all not even rebellious teenagers. I honestly don’t know why, since I’m having to watch you all the time. But I suspect my quote/unquote allies might have something to do with it. They’re scaring people away from the streets which in hindsight is a good thing when you think about it right? I mean, you can get in all sorts of trouble when night comes being safe indoors is great! This way no one gets hurt...)

Xever was trying to make light of the situation in the hopes it might ease Splinter’s fear somewhat. It obviously wasn’t working in the slightest.

(I know it looks bad but nothing will happen I assure you. The others don’t cause trouble needlessly especially since they’re mutants now. New York was a cesspool of scum and villainy to begin with anyway so it being silent is a new experience. Please don’t think too much about it ok? This is meant to be a fun time like you said, be happy or something. Happy happy! Joy! Joy!)

“Alright, alright let’s not start pointing fingers mister scaredy fish. We’ll just open the overhead vent and climb up the shaft right? Um… give me a boost!”

With almost no warning Michelangelo leapt atop Xever, struggling to reach the bolts holding the grate in place, hoping that they would give a bit more willingly than the surrounding walls.

“H-hey! Don’t make fun of my fear you lousy punk! I don’t insult your fear of aliens and zombies! Also sorry about the insults I...just really hate this!”

Xever was surprised by sudden leap but didn’t say anything about it since he wanted his anguish to end by any means necessary. The screws were insanely small however, and with Mikey’s hands being a tad oversized it would be rather hard for him to unscrew them. Xever tried to take his mind off of the closed space by shutting his eyes and humming a tune from his childhood.

“Can you hurry it up please! I seriously need to get out of here!”

The day he was taken by The Foot the last thing he recalled seeing before losing consciousness was the bodies of his sons. The next thing he knew was being carried away in chains, but he had never gotten a chance to see what became of the lair.  It was probably for the best. No doubt Shredder destroyed his home the same way he unflinchingly destroyed everything else he cared about, was there any sort of chance that was anything left?

And even if there was something left, Splinter wasn’t all that sure if he wanted to face the remnants of his old life. The phantoms of his murdered sons haunted him enough in his dreams, what would happen if he visited the very place the phantoms resided? Still, he knew he had no other choice… mind control aside, entrapment aside, if this was his one chance to revisit the lair he would take it. Even if there was nothing left but ashes, he could at least be granted the opportunity to give it a proper goodbye.

“I certainly hope I don’t come across any old friends” he replied, soft spoken and composed despite the slew of emotions that burned within his eyes “Best case scenario we’d encounter each other and then they’d leave me to my fate, and I think we both know they are far too noble for that.”

“Hey wait! Before we go are you sure you’re comfortable? You are wearing that robe I bought for you right? I went to a lot of trouble to make sure it looked like your old one. I know its not exactly the same, but perhaps we can find the old one that was within the lair? That could be something we could look out for on our trip to the outside. Its not as if we need to be careful right now. The other mutants under Shredder’s command are all out managing their own interests until he comes back from Japan. We’re home-free! There’s no need to worry about anything!”

Xever then gave the order that Splinter was to follow him, while keeping eye contact upon him the entire time they traversed over the New York rooftops. The mind control at this point worked seamlessly, and while Splinter was still a prisoner the fishman guarding him had done all he could to try and lessen this blow to his ego. As they went Xever kept talking to Splinter via the use of their new mind link so as to ensure no one could overhear what they were thinking to one another.

(I bet its nice to see the moon. Wish I could take you out more often just so you don’t forget what the outside looks like. Its not fair is it? I’m here with you though, no need to be upset since we’re suffering together right?)

Mikey kept the blindfold on, enjoying the feeling of being displaced in space so long as he was in the secure grasp of someone he knew. This sensation was heightened when he found himself flying through the air, a fresh laugh rising up from his chest as he felt the refreshing touch of the outside air upon his face.

“Yo… where are we goin’ now Xevs?”

“That’s a secret what part of that don’t you understand?”

“Its best you don’t mention anything about this to anyone, I know I just said that but I want to be sure you take that into account ok? Secrets are called secrets for a reason, my main reason for being so important here is because of my ability to keep things quiet. Are you getting the picture? Cause I won’t say it again.”

Xever kept leaping as he always did from one place to the next. It was a simple walk in the park for him at this point to move so quickly. Even if he’d give this away in seconds if it meant he could have his old legs back once more.

He was slowly walking on his wheel at the moment when Xever called out to him. Raising his ears to the sound the rat removed himself from his exercise and walked to the edge of his cage to meet his captor. 

Xever’s presence was no longer directly linked to the concept of pain, and Splinter never shirked from casually conversing with the fish seeing as it did both of them undeniable good. However, despite their internal link, the very fact that Xever took part in the deaths of his sons still remained in the back of the rat’s mind. The hatred was gone, but Splinter was not sure if he could ever consider Xever a true friend, the gory images of the turtles last moments being too prevalent in his subconscious.

“I certainly hope we’re not changing locations again” His voice had obviously regained a bit of it’s old clarity and confidence as his fear of inadvertently revealing personal weaknesses was no longer something to be considered. “Is it about Miwa? I haven’t seen her in some time, is she alright?”

“It does relate to her yes, but its more about Saki. Turns out he’s leaving the city for a time no idea why yet I fear he’s up to something. Karai was...”

For a moment Xever debated on what he should say, in the end he said what he originally intended to say and explained that Shredder was going away to Japan for a while. Karai would be guarded, but other than that they had free reign to do as they liked. Perhaps even enough time to gather stuff from the ruined Hamato lair? Xever had been meaning to go back there for sometime, yet had never gotten a chance until now. He knew it would hurt Splinter to venture into that place, but he wouldn’t dare go without telling his new compatriot. He also didn’t intend to go off on his own either since he’d already activated the mind control...

“I’ve got something interesting up my sleeve today! We’re paying a visit to the lair! I know that’s kinda risky but if we’re to ensure you have a full and happy experience here surely a few bits from your old home would help. We might be able to even find your robes again. We might even find your old friends too...”

All the same, there was no denying the truth of the situation. When he woke up he’d be back in that glass box, and Xever would be duty bound to torture him and wield him like a puppet or risk his own safety. There was some sort of cold truce going now… a mutual understanding out of loss and suffering… but there was one thing more that Splinter felt he needed to settle before they were both dragged back into reality.

“Xever… I need to request something from you”

“As of late, I’ve been less and less confident in the fact that I can escape. Even if I could… I don’t think I could ever regain enough strength or even bravery to ever face Shredder again, although this would mean losing Miwa forever” His eyes remained fixed on the memories, his stomach knotting itself as he finally admitted this fact aloud “However, when it comes down to it, if you and her are left alive when Saki and I are dead and gone, make sure she gets comes out of this alright. Reunite her with Casey and April if possible, just make sure she doesn’t come to know the loneliness that you and I are forced to accept. Tell her that… despite everything that happened, and despite everything she was forced to do, I love her… and I will always love her.”

Feeling the urge to cry return he shut his eyes, and though his dream self succeeded in fighting off the impulse the cheeks of the cold injured mutant in the real world were streaked with tears.

“There is no risk in simply that is there? Just… one promise… that is all I need.”

“Ok, I can do that for you Splinter. I won’t do anything more than that I’m afraid. Ever since you tried to escape my orders have been clear, I’m to keep you under watch at all times. We’re also going to be moving to a new location. I can’t tell you where not even I know until the day that it happens. Seems Shredder has become determined to keep you under his thumb no matter what. I promise to tell Karai what you said, and try to protect her if I can. Before we wake up though, aren’t you curious as to how this all happened in the first place? How our minds became interlinked like this? I have a theory, I believe the mirror mind control has meshed our brains together. Allow me to try something just to be sure.”

(Can you hear this? Testing, Testing, one two three.)

The fishman’s thoughts resounded through Splinter’s mind, as predicted the two had become mentally connected to each other in more ways than one. Xever wasn’t sure what to make of this, yet found the whole exchange to be rather amusing. He said a few more words and phrases ensuring that the connection remained strong. He started talking through the link, as if nothing had changed.

(I also promise to try and ease up on you in the real world if I can. I know we’re not friends and its not likely you’ll ever consider me one. But after the kindness you showed me during all of this, I feel like I want to thank you. I honestly wish you’d met my younger self perhaps then I wouldn’t have lost myself to anger and hatred. I won’t lie to you anymore, I did want to be something else. I wanted to dance like I used to whenever Carnival came around. It was the only time in my life when I was truly happy, just like you were when you were with your family. It might not mean much, but I’ll be here if you ever need someone to listen to you. I’m your jailer to be sure, but after this I feel like both of us are prisoners of fate...)

Not long after speaking those words Xever awoke once more to see the rising sun shining outside the windows of the throne room. He then lept from his tank and thudded his way back to where Splinter was being kept prisoner. He said no words to the rodent and leant against the glass wall nearest to him. His stance wasn’t so aggressive anymore, instead it appeared to be resigned and calm.