Da Stargo Tora

I have to be realistic about these things. Let’s say we do keep texting and everything is “normal” in a sense. But what will happen if one day you stop replying back or you stop reaching out. Day by day the messages get shorter. A week will pass and then just nothing. It will be like breaking my heart once again and leaving emptiness. Forgotten. Or let’s say I stop doing all of that. What was the point then? Strangers that became lovers to become strangers again. It’s unreal. I wish I could keep you in my life but that’s unrealistic. Gotta keep moving even with this pain I feel.

It’s been a difficult journey to rediscover who I am. To live with this new way of living and loving is quiet hard for me. I’m use to a different love and a different way of being with someone. I am quiet scared of it to be honest. This was something I believe I wasn’t ready for. In the beginning I was healing and being on my own but bam like a slap in the face he came into my life unexpectedly. I wasn’t thinking of being in a relationship with anyone. But it felt right, it felt like a breath of fresh air. Loving an independent person makes you realize that your past relationships even if they were good in a way they were toxic. My person encourages me to be independent to be my own person. I never had that before. Even tho I get to be me I still feel the old me creeping up. The insecured me, the needy me... the I need to be with you 24/7 me. I don’t want to be that way. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I won’t be that person. I need to find myself before all this. I need to reconnect with my inner self and love myself more then anyone else would. I’m learning, I’m growing. Loving you and learning from you will teach me what love and what partnership should be like. I’m sure I went off topic but eh it’s my blog so yea.

I’m going threw something real bad right now. If you don’t hear from me just know that I’m fine. I just need to be left alone.

Why do I always think that maybe if we talk and start up a conversation by any chance you might want to see me?...how stupid am I huh. I have to get it in my head that you want nothing more than just a friendship from me. Which at this point I can’t see you as that.

Took a nice walk at the park I would usually find peace at. As I was walking through a trail just taking in everything from the mustiness of the pond to the flowers that bloomed around, I caught myself thinking about you. Thinking how things would be like to be holding your hand as we walked through those trails. How much peace you would find away from your busy schedule. How calm our hearts would be as we both whispered “finally”. Tears ran down my face because I knew it was only a thought, a daydream. As I wipe the tears off my face, I take a deep breath and say whatever happens I knew once I had you. Even just for a moment I held your hand, I felt your warmth, I looked into your eyes and for that moment I felt happy. I will continue to go on with sweet memories of you, even if sometimes those memories break my heart. You will always be someone I will never regret being with and falling for................

She may have said things. Things that maybe I wanted to hear. What should I believe? Those strangers words or what you are showing me? People say actions speak louder then words and your action are speaking pretty loud. Only I have a choice to believe what I heard. They may have been sweet and hopeful but are they true? Do you really care that much? Idk.

I loved too hard. I gave too much of myself to you, that when I tried to get all of me back I only got pieces. No, you didn’t keep the best parts of me but you kept tiny pieces that make me whole. Now I’m here trying to fill these empty spaces with empty feelings. Yet it seems so easy for you to let go like nothing happened while I’m here still craving your touch. I gave too much to a broken body that it shattered my heart of glass but I still manage to get up. While my heart seems to be broken, the light in me still reflects each piece with the hope of becoming one again. For now these pieces with the beautiful colors will keep going.