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desire, yearning, mania. all at once. i am not built for life.

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I don't think God is this entity out there altogether apart from us. "The eye with which I see God is the eye with which God sees me," says Meister Eckhart, a quote which I'm sure you know and which is no doubt overused. But it does get at an important truth. Attention enables God's presence. The life and love that are God are catalyzed by the life and love we expend in his direction, whatever form that expenditure takes (art, prayer, worship, theology, maybe anything beneficent that is done with "absolutely unmixed attention," as Weil puts it). God really is more of a verb than a noun, as are our "selves."

"Can the absence of words tell a story? Like a pattern in lace, the holes as important as the threads?"