desiderium

[the delusion of things being more beautiful than they really are]

I’ve taught myself it’s better to give people the benefit of the doubt rather than be pessimistic.

Because people are born good and pure, and most of the time they don’t mean it.

I didn’t notice I did it until someone pointed it out.

It’s so easy to take advantage of that. I know.

I’ve let a lot of people walk all over me and blamed myself for being left alone.

I haven’t learned my lesson. 

People are born good and kind.

[something lovely discovered by chance]

The way it happened was unexpected. It made me think that maybe that’s how this all works.

Maybe in the future, I’d see someone I never thought of that way before and my perspective will change.

Because that’s how it was with you.

You were a light that I couldn’t stop looking at, so I didn’t.

Suddenly I was attached and it was too late.

Everything I did was new and exhilarating, none of it a big deal.

With the water so blue and air so light, I let go of all my worries and all the pain. A whole year I’ve remembered and sulked in it all, but as I walk along this river, I can feel it all float away.

I pick up a rock to symbolize the weight that used to pull me down and toss it into the blue. I can feel myself breathe easier – the air, the breeze. I can feel the weight finally off my shoulders.

What used to hurt me has sunk to the bottom of the river. I left it for fish to swim past and float over. 

It’s lost and I’m free.

[thankful]

I want to thank you because you always made me laugh so much that I would have tears in my eyes. You made me laugh even if I wasn't in the mood to laugh. You gave me something to look forward to everyday because I got to see you.

In many ways, you seemed to complete me, like peas in a pod. And we told each other we were each other's favourite person. It was genuine and true and so were you.  

[loneliness]

There is a part of me, full of pride and shame at the same time, that refuses to find refuge in another and refuses to ask for help. That part thrives in solitude. It only grieves when my home is empty or when everyone is asleep. It hides the feelings into pages and screens. It sits in the dark, trying to repair itself. It is independence, but it is also cowardice.

Then, there is another that despises it all; the feeling of loneliness, the emptiness, the void needing to be filled. And it thrives on another’s energy. It requires attention and care. It is the part that talks too much about its problems. It calls for someone to save it and console it. It craves support and understanding. It is trust, but it is also desperation. And it is much too tedious to satisfy.

That’s when it all began. The year you were born.

Now, here you are.

You’ve grown. You’ve changed.

You’re you.

[the grief for the lost places of your past]

Do you ever have moments when you feel your heart physically breaking? Like when you watch a sad scene in a movie or show? Or when you read something in a book that just changes everything? Or when you remember moments in your life that have physically ruined you?

It's like a trigger or a mouse trap. You become very fragile and start to walk around the thought of that one person, or experience, or memory, so nothing can set it off. You try to distract yourself in every possible way. And then you take a wrong step -you think about the wrong thing, see a random item, read something, anything- and you come spiralling back into the sinking feeling in your chest. Your chest hurts and you feel sick. You know you're not going to throw up but you want to. You have a hard time breathing and you feel the break down coming. You start shaking and you feel cold and you just want to forget and be numb and stop feeling. 

Because you would rather be numb than feel your heart take a fifty foot drop into the ground. You would rather be numb than having strangers see your vulnerability on the bus. You would rather be numb than think about things that people used to promise you or memories that used to mean something but now don’t. You would rather not feel anything at all than feel this way.

It feels almost pathetic; the pity you feel for yourself. You feel sad because they left you and found something better. You feel helpless because it’s been a snowball of months and months leading to this demise. You feel too ashamed to cry in front of anyone because “you really should have gotten over this by now.”

But you haven’t. And right now, it doesn’t feel like you will. Not when one wrong step or thought can lead to a whole meltdown of suppressed feelings and pain.

There's a point in life when you get closer and closer to people, but you never meet. 

It's an almost. And it's hopeful. And you are proud to be so near. 

And you could be metres away, a step, an inch, but there are forces, unexplainable things, that won't agree. 

You could be going to the same place, doing the same thing, but living in parallel worlds. 

You drift apart, you pull away, you watch them from a distance. 

It's the smile someone else gives you that becomes the most genuine thing you know.

It's the music you can't help but dance and sing to as you let go of all the care in the world.

It's the times you get in bed and your pillow is the good kind of cold, your sheets are new and smell like the sweetest smell you love, and your blanket is so comfortable you just know you won't be able to get up in the morning.

It’s the times when the hot water from the shower warms your body up as it falls and you feel calm and relaxed.

It's the days the sun shines above you and you feel like a growing plant in the middle of photosynthesis and you begin to be full of life.

It's the nights of a long drive and you see the horizon full of city lights and imagine everyone alive and thriving and happy.

It's the moments you can feel and see the love all around you, and all that seems to matter are the smiling faces that stand out among the frowning ones.

It's the instances you picture the waves coming towards your feet in your mind and smell the salt water in the air because you are so close to having that vacation.

It's the fact that even though you felt like this, you wished they felt the same, because this is the happiness you want everyone to feel in their hearts.

It's every assumption that everything will be okay.

It's the smile you wish would reach your eyes.

It's the music you believe has related to you in the most humanly ways.

It's the times you cried in bed when everyone was asleep and dreaming.

It's the times you cried in the shower desperately hoping no one would hear your tears.

It's the days you try to understand your differences but question it all the same.

It's the nights you try to drown out the hurt in your mind by listening to other people's words.

It's the moments you imagined a different life without all the pain you felt.

It's the instances you wished you didn't care so much about everything.

It's the fact that even though you felt like this, you still wished them well.

It's every assumption that they had not wished the same for you.