fat chocobo

ok i’m back.  let’s shift this water weight & kick the 230′s in the arse.

We had a break in last night. And they stole our brand new car :/ so until I'm right again I'm probably going to be quiet. And just focus on not letting the incident de-rail my weight loss. I already slacked off for my birthday and while logically I know barely any damage was done, much was consumed and water weight shot up.

So yea, I'll be back soon,

i just want to be successful.

i’m not talking billionaire ambitions.  i have no idea how to make that kind of money.  i just want to do what i love ( art ) and make a living from it. i don’t want to end up like my mother—broke, in debt & living on the sofa wasting my life getting fat.

it can be done.  there are artists out there making millions of dollars every year.  i’d be happy making 10% of that.

my fucking past is holding me back, as always.  this paralysing fear of not being good enough.

when you’re young and have no self esteem and the only thing you have going for you is the ‘ability to draw good’ it sets up expectations.  when i was younger, unless you could make the thing look like the thing you were drawing, you were no good.  you couldn’t be an artist unless you could draw.  people only valued art if they felt it wasn’t something they could do.  something they could put on a pedestal and go ‘wow that is so amazing i wish i could draw like that’.

so now i can’t produce & show anything with any confidence unless it’s technically accomplished.  my self esteem is that shit.

so many of these successful artists do beautiful shit i adore & admire and yet—and i’m in no way being disrespectful here—they aren’t ‘technically accomplished’

they’re just making and doing and presenting and i’m too fucking scared to even start.  because even i will judge myself harshly if it’s ‘no good’.

i fucking hate this, y’all.  i know the only way to get past it is to just do it.  and i know it’s going to be hell until i get over my fear.

it’s gonna be rough but… nothing worth doing is easy, right?