April 🦋

hi!! my name is April ^^

◇he/they◇

♡bisexual♡

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multi-fandom but mostly grishaverse

(+ the folk of the air, the legend of vox machina, red queen, stray kids and whatever random thing I'm obsessed with at the moment)

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everyone are welcome here as long as you're respectful and not bigoted <3

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linktr.ee:

inspiration: all eyes on me by bo burnham

fandom: harry potter/marauders

character: regulus black, james potter + kreacher, sirius black, remus lupin, lily evans, pandora sailstream, one mention of dorcas meadows

ship: jegulus, a little bit of wolfstar in the beginning

word count: 2,4k

plot: regulus says one last goodbye to james before leaving for the cave.

content warning: angsty angst, drunk remus, swearing (like once), mentions of death, very depressing thoughts (don’t think like regulus please)

disclaimer: i do absolutely not support J.K. Rowling and her transphobia. all character rights reserved to the author.

a/n: thanks @_sir_willy_wonka_ on instagram for listening to my hcs and adding ideas <3

Everyone could agree that Hogwarts parties were like no other. One reason were the conjured decorations and treats and alcohol, the other a bunch of drunk talented wizards making terrible decisions.

Everyone loved Hogwarts parties. Everyone but Regulus, apparently.

James looks anxiously towards the door again. By now it was already half past eight, and he told Regulus the party starts at seven in the evening when he invited him. Maybe he just didn’t want to come; he was a little awkward, that boy, and there were lots of people here. Maybe he hated him. Maybe he lay in a ditch somewhere, injured—

“He’s fine,” Remus sighs next to James, sensing his anxious thoughts. James nods, once, twice.

“Totally,” he replies, then startles as a familiar voice behind him asks: “Who’s fine?”

Remus and James turn around to face Sirius, and by his side, Lily, their arms locked in a way a lady and lord courting each other in the nineteenth century would lock arms. Remus stares at the view before him.

“What’s going on here?” he asks, raising his brows. Lily giggles.

“Now, don’t get jealous, Remus. Black’s just keeping me company.”

“I’m not jealous–” Remus starts, then gives up, his cheeks rosy as he gets flustered. Sirius wraps his arms around Remus’ neck and kisses him deeply, seeming to forget all about what he had overheard between James and his boyfriend. James glances at Lily, and she winks at him, once again saving him from having to tell Sirius about him and Regulus.

Thank you, James mouths and puts his hands together and Lily laughs, mouthing back: Always.

Meanwhile, Sirius pushes Remus against the wall, continuing to kiss him, his hands resting on his waist.

“Awe,” says James.

“Ugh,” says Lily, and cringes.

“Hey guys,” says a third voice, soft, quiet, but attention-catching. Pandora stands next to the group, seeming to appear from nowhere, smiling lazily. The colourful lights paint her in red, then blue, then green. She has a cup in her hand, but the drink inside seems more like lemonade than anything else.

“Hi, Pandora,” says James warmly, he had gotten used to Regulus’ lovely friend by now, befriending her himself. Pandora smiles wider and then pulls James by the sleeve a few steps away from the rest, wishing to talk to him alone. The others stare at them, but Pandora glances at them and they all look away, embarassed. She turns her attention back to James.

“Have you talked to Regulus lately?” she asks. The music is so loud that the beat hits against James’ ribs, the people’s chatter even louder. Pandora’s voice is dreamy and silent, more like a whisper. He still somehow hears her.

“No,” James says and frowns. He’s worried about his idiot boyfriend and he doesn’t like being reminded about it. “Why?”

“It’s just…we were talking earlier, and he seemed…weird. He was being all affectionate and poetic. He was like, expressing his feelings. I honestly didn’t think that was genetically possible,” Pandora explains, glancing at Sirius when she says the last line. James’ frown deepens, but before he can answer, another voice cuts them off.

“Don’t tell him things like that, Pandora, do you know how easily he panics?”

Relief shoots through both James and Pandora and they turn around with bright smiles, meeting Regulus’ eyes. When Pandora notices Regulus’ focus is solely on James, she steps away, giving them space and instead decides to talk to Dorcas across the room. Lily and Remus notice Regulus’ arrival before Sirius does, and Lily quickly pulls Sirius away by his arm, leading him into the crowd. Remus doesn’t come closer, simply keeping an eye on them from afar. Both Regulus and James had a flair for the dramatic. It was best to have a sensible person around them, even if the sensible person was drunk on alcohol and a certain dark-haired boy.

“Regulus! You came!” James says and grins.

James’ smile is beautiful, whether it’s a smirk, a soft smile or a wide grin. A nice song is playing. The lights and decorations are pretty. The familiarity of Hogwarts seems like a warm hug after the trouble Regulus went through to get a more or less accurate copy of Slytherin’s locket. He wants to stay in this moment forever. If for no other reason, to keep James happy, to keep James grinning. He knows he can’t.

“Hi,” Regulus says softly. He shouldn’t have come here. He should’ve gone straight to the cave, like Kreacher advised. But he needed this one last goodbye.

“Are you just going to stand by the door?” James asks and laughs softly. That damn laugh. If you can miss things in Hell, or whatever would happen to Regulus after death, that will surely be the thing he misses the most. James doesn’t seem to notice the melancholic look in Regulus’ eyes or his sad smile. He’s too busy with believing everything is fine, that they still have a thousand tomorrows. He only continues speaking, trying to comfort Regulus. “Are you feeling nervous? Don’t feel nervous, there’s lots of lovely people here, like Pandora, and–”

“Are you having fun?” Regulus interrupts James, trying to choke down the sob that threatened to ruin his ruse. Everything is fine, everything is okay. This is just a conversation between two young people in love. He needed James to be happy. He couldn’t bear dying with the thought of him feeling anything else. James looks at him confused, but smiles.

“Yes,” he says, then adds with a wink: “Wanna join me?”

Regulus doesn’t say anything, just looks. At James’ soft hair and his thin glasses and the way his lips are almost always forming a little smile.

“It would only be for a little bit, it’s almost over.” James adds, referring to the party.

“It’s just begun,” Regulus says, referring to something else completely. Something darker. The defeat of the monster the wizard society has created. And he had to play his part. James frowns while smiling, and it’s a weird expression, but an expression the gryffindor boy often wears.

“Merlin, you’re so awkward,” James says to himself more than to anyone else, then laughs. He cups Regulus’ face, pulls him closer.

“Don’t overthink this, look in my eyes,” he instructs softly. “Don’t be scared, don’t be shy, come on in, the water’s fine.”

He adds a wink and a laugh at the end of his little metaphor, and Regulus almost wants to oblige. But alas.

“I can’t. I sort of have to go somewhere,” Regulus adds with a small, sad laugh. James arches a brow.

“What? Where?”

How was he supposed to answer that question? Regulus pauses for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts enough to give him an accurate, but subtle answer. He didn’t wish to lie to James, nor did he want to tell him his true intentions.

“I’m going to go somewhere where everybody knows,” Regulus decides to say. He presses a kiss to James’ lips, then adds: “I love you.”

And then he’s gone.

A lot of thoughts run through James’ head as Regulus leaves as quickly as he arrived. The one he focuses on the most is that this is the first time Regulus had said he loves him. He turns around, dumbfounded, trying to make sense of the whole interaction.

“How did it go?” asks Remus, studying James’ expression. Instead of answering, James asks:

“What’s a place that everybody knows?” Remus frowns at the question, but answers it anyway.

“Well, there isn’t really a place that absolutely everybody knows. Except for Heaven, or Hell.”

James doesn’t take Remus’ words seriously, mainly because in the next second his very drunk friend sways on his feet. He turns around, looking for Pandora so they can exchange their weird experiences, when suddenly, something in his mind clicks. It’s a sudden thought, but it makes sense and then a net of thoughts and memories connects in James’ mind, and he understands everything.

The sudden thought? The only place everybody knows is death.

Regulus was going to die.

And James knew why.

A few weeks after James and Regulus had gotten back together, after James and Lily broke up because they were both very clearly interested in other people, and after James had found out Regulus had joined the Death Eaters, they lay in Regulus’ bed. The slytherin boy lay his head on James’ chest, who ran his fingers through his black hair.

“I hate him,” Regulus said, referring to Voldemort, but not daring to speak his name. James glanced at him.

“I hate him, I hate everything he does, I hate what I joined,” Regulus continued, burying his face in his hands.

James had only hugged him, told him they’d find a safe way out. He had almost missed Regulus’ whisper: “I want to overturn him.”

A month or so later, Regulus showed up in James’ room, let in by Lily. He was crying, and James held him close.

“He tried hurting Kreacher…” Regulus had sobbed into James’ sweater and James had once again been impressed by this supposedly cold, pureblood boy’s love for his house elf.

“I HATE HIM!” he had screamed. That night they fell asleep holding each other, the only thing that could stop Regulus’ tears sleep.

Two weeks ago. They had lain on the grass near the lake. Regulus seemed lost in thought and James looked at him, in awe.

“A penny for your thoughts, pretty?” James had asked Regulus, pressing a soft kiss to his neck.

“Do you know what a horcrux is?” Regulus asked James after careful consideration whether he should tell him or not. James shook his head. He had heard of horcruxes once before, but he’d forgotten everything. Regulus explained it to him. When he’d finished, James looked him over carefully.

“You’re not planning on making a horcrux for yourself, right?” he asked, narrowing his eyes.

“God, no! Only a very powerful and very desperate wizard, with a talent for dark magic could make one.” Regulus had stated. James was satisfied with the answer, and changed the topic.

One week ago. They were in the library, looking for information on Salazar Slytherin’s locket.

“Remind me again why we’re researching this?” James asked as he already carried three pretty heavy books for his boyfriend.

“It’d be a good object to turn into a horcrux,” Regulus had said. James narrowed his eyes again.

“Are you sure you’re not planning on making a horcrux?” James asked suspiciously.

“Yes!” Regulus sighed loudly, then murmured so quietly James almost didn’t hear him: “If anything, I’d want to destroy it.”

He lit up as he found the book he was looking for. “Here.”

He opened the book on a page with a detailed illustration of the locket. It was a gorgeous piece of jewelry, with a silver chain.

A chain James had seen hanging out of Regulus’ pocket during their last conversation.

I want to overturn him. I HATE HIM. Do you know what a horcrux is? Only a very powerful and very desperate wizard, with a talent for dark magic could make one. If anything. I’d want to destroy it. I’m going to a place everybody knows. There isn’t really a place that absolutely everybody knows. Except for Heaven, or Hell. Death.

“Oh, fuck,” James says as he connects all the dots. He dives into the crowd. “HAS ANYONE SEEN SIRIUS?”

“Once the potion is gone, take the locket and replace it with the fake one,” Regulus orders Kreacher. This, standing in this cold, dark cave, was the moment he had been preparing for. This was the reason he had done all that research, created a replica of the locket following the illustrations exactly, written the note, said goodbye to his most loved ones, the reason he did everything to get into this cave, to the middle of the lake inside.

Now he stands before a stone basin full of a most likely terrible potion, getting ready to drink it. Kreacher had warned him it would most likely kill him. Anything to defeat Voldemort.

The air is cold and musty. The cave is beautiful in a dark, horrifying way.

Regulus reaches for the smaller bowl that was meant to be used for drinking, when Kreacher stops him.

“Master, are you absolutely sure?” he asks.

“I have to, Kreacher,” Regulus says. And before the house elf could stop him, he starts drinking.

At first, the potion isn’t that bad. It doesn’t really have a taste. But then it quickly turns into pure pain, not to mention the sudden thirst that overtakes Regulus. His mouth and throat feel drier the more he drinks, his whole body aching with sudden pain. He wishes to stop, but he knows he can’t. He continues drinking.

He starts seeing visions, memories brought to life by the damn potion. All the fights between his older brother and their parents. Sirius leaving, Regulus joining the death eaters. All of Regulus’ fights with James. All the lonely nights Regulus had felt unlovable.The pain and thirst get worse now, and Regulus wants to beg Kreacher, God, anyone who would listen, to let him stop. But he doesn’t allow himself even a pause. He keeps drinking.

After what feels like ages full of torture, the potion is gone. Kreacher immediately starts fulfilling Regulus’ orders, taking the locket and replacing it with the fake one. Meanwhile, Regulus kneels by the water. Kreacher had warned him of what lies beneath it, but the thirst is too strong. Besides, he is not scared of death. For death was something that would accept anyone, no matter how unlovable they were, carrying them in its embrace to somewhere better, or somewhere worse. Wherever he’d be carried, there he’d be accepted too.

He dips his hands into the water, and drinks. While he drinks, Kreacher accidentally drops the locket in his nervous hurry. Regulus quickly stands up and reaches for the locket, handing it to the house elf.

“Thank you, Kreacher, now go,” Regulus says, and the house elf disappears with his master’s last order.

That’s when Regulus feels it, a cold, wet hand wrapping around his ankle. For a moment all is silent. If a pin dropped, it could be heard through the whole cave, the sound echoing. The cave is still dark, and the water splashes against its stone as the creatures underneath move, ready to attack.

“Don’t be scared, don’t be shy, come on in, the water’s fine,” Regulus murmurs quietly to himself, his voice quivering.

(book: solitaire)

kaz:

(image text: okay, who wants to kill me?)

jesper, nina and matthias: