because i have to...

I forgive you for hurting me. I forgive you for loving me for a year, only to break my heart. I forgive you for breaking my heart in the most devastating way. I forgive you for cheating. I forgive you for taking all my pain, weaknesses, insecurities & using them against me I forgive you for destroying my self esteem. I forgive you for lying and hiding stuff from me. So many red flags, and I was constantly making excuses because I love you. Deleting conversations, texting with strangers more than your own “girlfriend”. But it’s okay right? Because she’s just a friend. I forgive you What I can’t forgive is… myself For sacrificing my own sanity and believing you loved me. For keeping the pain of our problems inside because I was too embarrassed to tell anyone, not even my closest friends, because I knew they’d all judge me for not leaving you. For not having any self-respect and dignity. For not learning these lessons sooner.. For not loving myself enough to know that I could do better.

You’re allowed to miss the people who were bullets to you, but you’re not allowed to let them shoot you again.

Wait for someone who says, “Holy crap, how did I get so lucky?” when you walk in the door, absolutely exhausted from work at 6pm after being married for 30 years. Wait for that, it’s more than worth it.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT’S BACK ON MY DASH.

YOOOOOOO

THE BOY I FELL I LOVE WITH LEFT TO TRAVEL THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD AND HAS BEEN GONE NOW FOR 3 MONTHS. WE HAVENT SPOKEN SINCE BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO MAKE HIM FEEL TRAPPED TO ME AND NOT ENJOY HIS TIME SO I WAITED FOR HIM TO CONTACT ME FIRST. I SAW THIS ON A PARTICULARLY LOW DAY WHEN I WAS MISSING HIM SO MUCH I CRIED FROM THE PAIN, GUYS I REALLY LOVE HIM, SO I THOUGHT MEH WHAT THE FUCK, AND WISHED HE WOULD JUST LET ME KNOW HE WAS OKAY.

When you meet someone that makes you want to write novels about them, you thank your cluttered mind for finally being able to focus on one thing. When you find beauty in the way their breathing changes tempo as you watch them fall asleep, you thank your sleepless self for your insomnia. When you find yourself melting in their brown eyes, you appreciate your coffee addiction because it’s like indulging in the warmth of their eyes every morning. When you hold them close against your chest, you don’t feel as bad for not being able to do a pull up because being soft and comfortable for them is so much more rewarding. When you find someone who turns your odd quirks, negatives, insecurities, and broken bits of you into something you can finally accept and love, you don’t let them go.

You’re the only person that ever made me feel anything, really feel. Even if it wasn’t always the best of feelings, you’re the only one who could make me smile or tear me down in three seconds flat. You’re the only person that can drive me crazy, in both good and bad ways. You’re the only person that ever made me feel like I didn’t have to try so hard. And I know that you’re not okay without me either, or you wouldn’t talk about such things as you do. I just wish you knew I still loved you, and I wish you would do something with that knowledge. I wish you would grab me and hold me tight in your arms and whisper in my ear how much you loved me more, like you always did.