Riverwrites

Embracing the 5:00 am daylight is a breath of life and light. For a few moments, I get to inhale the last pocket of stillness, as I watch yesterday's gloom fade. After all the twilights, I finally get to wake up at this exact hour of the day. I closed my eyes and held the warm mug tighter. Situating myself in the vast sky, I thought to myself, this small mug is the only thing I have in my hands at the moment yet even this I have no complete control over.

The phone is broken, the books are untouched, the drawers cluttered, the canvas blank, the ukulele untouched, the terrarium empty, the corkboard dusty and the mind well - at rest.

For a while, I battled against demotivation and laziness by cramming my activities and raising my bars of productivity. It took a lot of undone projects, exhausted muscles and desperation before I told myself to pause.

Restlessness - I thought was a sign of unused energy, but it wasn't, It was energy without direction. So one day, I left everything as is. I pondered on the world's meaning of happiness and peace; then, there at the middle I found the Lord. Reconstructing the meaning of happiness, I realized being happy for me is being able to sit in the midst of chaos, and believe that He had made me enough, and that I have done enough, but that I can still do more. And that doing more means treading with love and humility - not only for the people around me but for my self. Knowing that peace is not the calm after the storm but the ability to take up space and value the time you need to assure your own heart. After all there is freedom in solving the riddle which is yourself.

Like Liz Gilbert, I decided to sit in my garden and let it all out. It was when I opened my eyes that the same place where the desert was, is now blooming with grass, leaves and flowers just the way I want it to be.

Lord, I love the twilight too but thank you for the sunrise and the spring.