Ideas.

You see people you once knew, smiling, and your first thought is that you don't remember how their laugh sounds. You sit and remember all the harm you've caused, all the moments you were callous.

You remember how you would jump from one friendship to another, from one person to another. Never once thought that it might backfire.

Now you feel alone, knowing that no one who really knew you before now still knows you. Maybe not even yourself.

Maybe one day that pain will numb, maybe one day you'll be surrounded by people and you will feel supported. But that day is not soon.

Your callous heart and eagerness to avoid whatever discomfort comes your way doesn't allow you to let people close. Unsure whether it could ever get better or change.

the air is squeezed out of your lungs and that's it. you know that was it. and maybe one day it won't be the case. maybe that title won't be the right one for you, but right now it is.

until it passes, well that's how you'll feel, somewhat devastated, prolonging the sadness for as long as it can go on. maybe one day it'll stop, but it doesn't feel like it'll happen soon.

and the scariest thought is how easily you can shut yourself out from the whole situation. even though you know it isn't healthy but denial is a river in egypt.

the severe attachment issues from before, the fear of being abandoned have somewhat subsided into an avoidant mentality that is much more terrifying.

no matter what happens, the disconnect between the mind and the heart never seems to heal and it's just the way life is. but living in ignorance isn't the best decision, not for you.

at night i sit and think about those few moments that i will forever cherish.

that new years eve when the song shake it off was on and i danced with my best friend. the lights where dim and we were singing and for the first time in a while i felt free. the rum circulating in my body making me feel at ease for a short while before the fall. the feeling of home with my friend dancing to my favourite artist.

that night at the festival where all the volunteers started dancing in front of the stage and where i was smiling because i was having fun with a lot of new people. when a friend of mine just seemed to make a vow to stay friends with me. it was night and the music was loud, i almost tripped at least a thousand times, and yet, it was magic.

the moment after the twenty one pilots concert where i started crying of pure joy because it was all i ever wanted and more. the inner child in me just burst with happy tears and not even the crowds around me could get me out of that state. the pure elation and serenity flowing through my veins.

that night on a trip where some of us were drunk and singing taylor swift and olivia rodrigo at the top of our lungs just to let every single feeling out for a while.

those days trekking through the mountains with a sports club back in middle school. when we'd wake up at dawn and go running and then go hiking for the rest of the day. spending time in nature without anything or anyone else. the summer sun falling on my skin between the leaves of the trees that towered above.

those days when i would present and work for the robotics team and fall deeper in love with technology and software. the moments when i had to explain the ideas and talk to people i wouldn't have otherwise. the rush of being listened to for the first time in my life.

it would be nice for someone to actually want to stay and not choose someone else for a change.

but here i am again, in the same damn situation and i can't help but cry over my loneliness. good it would be fucking nice for someone to stay.

i just want my friends to keep being my friends. and i'm so fucking tired of them being put in the situation of choosing between me and someone else because i know they won't choose me.

i've never been anyone's first choice. i've never been anyone's priority. and yet i dream of that every single night.

and i'm used to my loneliness, it's been here a while, an old friend. but i wish i had one more, at least one person who doesn't consistently choose someone else.

and it hurts so much. i wonder how much longer i have to go on like this. i constantly wonder.

i've never asked anyone to choose between me and someone else, i wouldn't do that. but when i finally choose to acknowledge a boundary of mine, everyone constantly finds someone else.

what's wrong with me? that's what i keep asking myself. what am i doing wrong? i don't know what to do anymore.

maybe moving to a remote cabin in the woods would be the best decision because i just can't help the rejection anymore.

and sometimes when i close my eyes,

i just see the dark

i see what i feel like

nothing

and sometimes when i open my eyes

the world is worse than i remembered

and all my fears have come to life

and they're all after me

and sometimes optimism isn't possible

sometimes hope isn't the caged bird

sometimes it doesn't sing

sometimes it just abandons you the way it should.

and sometimes when the curtains fall

that's when life finally is quiet

and sometimes when the orchestra stops

that's when the silence truly settles in.

and sometimes life isn't meant to be like this

but what can you do?

just continue

and continue

I can't help thinking that my goals are completely impossible because god damn there's no way I could possibly do that. There's no fucking way I hold myself together when all the pieces are falling apart.

And i can feel each puzzle piece falling through the cracks. each love disappearing. i feel numb and sad and i don't know where my pain begins and where it ends.

I can't tell whether I'm making the right decisions, but all i want is to disappear off the face of the earth for a while. i just want to be alone.

i can't help but feel as if i'm disappointing everyone around me and myself. god i thought i was getting better but apparently that's not even close.

and you know, rubbing salt in the wound isn't all that bad because at least i'm coming to terms with my hopelessness, worthlessness and all other possible options.

i'm trying. but it never is enough, it never is, it never was.

there's always someone else, i work so fucking hard. i do my fucking best. i've done everything right and yet i still fall fucking short.

and to fucking him. that fucking asshole who always thought he was better than me. the bastard who thought that it was perfectly fine to trip me when i was doing alright for no reason. the fucking idiot who hurt me and i will never forget what he did. a year later. i still can't forget how that imbecile broke my fucking heart. i do hate him.

i'm so fucking sick of being the better person. i'm so fucking sick of it. be nice to others, be kind, be a good person. oh, is that what i should do? why are you telling me that and not the others? why am i the one who has to change and always think about other people's feelings when they never think about mine.

i want to live alone. i don't want to talk to people anymore. in my dreams, in an ideal world, i'd be able to hide somewhere in a new city where no one knows me. i'd just be another person, someone you'd see on the street and forget in a couple seconds.

i just want everyone to leave me alone. i just want a fucking break because it;s been so hard being me for the past couple years. i just want a fucking break.

i want to be a coward. i just want a bit of peace. i just want to turn my phone off and not talk to anyone for the rest of my life. i just want to disappear and for people to fucking leave me alone and stop hurting me.

maybe i should just stop.

because tears are falling on my cheeks once again and i fucking know, i fucking know they don't matter. i know that they're useless because i can't change anything.

i just want to be cold for a while. i want everyone to just stop pretending they care. because they don't. everyone cares about themselves.

why am i always the one who says something wrong? the one who tries their best but people still find a kink in my armor. and why can't i just be normal? why can't i just stop worrying if i said something wrong? if i did something wrong?

why can't i just stop? i just want to stop. i just want to disappear. i just want to stop hurting myself and the people around me. and the easiest way to stop hurting people is to just get up and leave.

and why do i want that so much? i keep trying to be the best person i can be, but damn i just want to stop. i want to stop trying. i just want to be who i am. i don;t want to be in a continuous state of false progress where i'm making myself more acceptable for others.

i'm always the one who does something wrong and i keep trying to be better. but the times i ask people to stop doing something they're ignorant.

i'm too tired.

i know i made the right decision, that's why it hurts so much.

i can't be like the people who hurt me to you . i could at least tell you the truth. it was harder than i thought possible.

but that look of sadness and hurt in your eyes, god i can't forget that. i see it in the dark, when i close my eyes.

you'll be better without me and you deserve much better than someone who would be stressed by the age difference constantly.

had we met a couple years from now, maybe the story would've had a different ending, but it's like you're the definition of right person, wrong time.

and i think i might regret this decision for the rest of my life.

but i can't hold you back from someone who will make you infinitely happier, that's not what people who care about each other do.

maybe sometime in the future we will meet again and we can pick up where we left off.

but i can't stop myself from wanting to talk to you. and the short replies are a thousand tiny cuts on my skin.

i know this is the way it's supposed to be, but that doesn't make it any easier.

sure, we can be friends, but i wish we weren't so apart in age, because then we could've been more.

and the problem is i don't think i've ever met someone who is exactly what i want up until i met you.

and the thing is i don't think i will ever find anyone, not anymore.

and god i wish it were you. i wish i could've been yours and you mine.

we're in different stages in life, you could be the one wanting to settle down, but i haven't gotten there yet, i have a lot to go.

but damn

i wish you the best and the happiest life you could ever dream of. i hope you're the most successful and i hope you end up finding someone you can love with your whole soul for the rest of your life.

when i look to the stars, i see you shining there.

when i see someone smile, i'm reminded of yours.

when ... , i just see you.

i see you when i close my eyes, in the dark that should calm me down.

i see you everywhere i go, constant reminders of how my mind refuses to forget you.

and yet, i'm sure i'm not your gold medal, i'm not what you see when you daydream.

i sit and think about the thousands of possibilities, endless they may be.

I wish I could just press pause on life. I wish I could disappear for eternity alone. I wish I could run away from everyone.

Life has taken its toll on me and I’m not sure how much more I can take. I’ve fallen in love and been hurt, I’ve felt once again betrayed, I’ve disappointed myself time after time.

I can’t seem to catch a break. I haven’t been stable in at least 6 months. But these past few weeks, they’ve hurt me and broken me. The stress has been too much.

And while I know I put too much pressure on myself, that doesn’t mean I’ll ease up. I’ve been trying my best to be the best that I can be and i still manage to fuck it up.

Sometimes I lie in bed just wishing that I could wake up in a different place, a different body. I just wish that my mind wouldn’t keep damaging my soul.

Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have to live life this destroyed. At times it would be nice to have someone help me out of what I’m going through but I can’t possibly ask for help like that.

I’m trying to do my best and it’s never enough. I’ve looked people I’ve loved in the eyes and saw the disappointment and I don’t know how much more I can take.

I wish I were a different person sometimes, maybe it would be easier. Maybe life wouldn’t have a personal vendetta against me. I am completely out of luck.

I’ve never had any luck, i’ve worked so hard to be where i am. While i know that my past self would be proud of where i am and who i have become, i am nonetheless conscious of the fact that i am nowhere near where i want to be.

And when it comes to him. I don’t know what to do. I don’t. I’m so tired of being hurt. I just want everything to be easy. I want to be loved. I want to be wanted. I want to be someone’s priority. I want all of that.

and life goes on, through elation of the soul and through the deep depression

and life goes on, through the gray, the dark, and the light

and life goes on, through love, through hate, and through indifference.

and life goes on

though it may seem impossible, knowing i cannot love, i cannot be loved.

and the words rest upon my tongue, never getting spoken by my lips. no matter how harsh.

and the thoughts don’t stop coming, unlike everything else.

and love doesn’t disappear overnight, it turns to marble, and then you just make a statue of what once was.

and yet life does disappear overnight, one day you’re there, the next you aren’t, no statues, no ode of joy, just silence.

and yet when i think of the love i could give someone else, i know that i won’t get that. i know that no one could ever love as deeply as i do.

although i know love is worth giving, but is it not worth receiving? or rather, am i not worthy of it?

perhaps when you love you give away a piece of your soul in the hopes that the other person will nurture it. but when they throw it in your face because you’re not enough, how are you supposed to continue to love?

how are you supposed to trust someone else won’t do the same? after all, most people wouldn’t give you the time of day, how are you supposed to love, knowing you won’t be loved back.

how are you supposed to fall in love when you know in every fibre of your being that it will be unrequited in the end? when all of your atoms can feel the loneliness you will be thrust into?

how are you supposed to deal with feeling completely unwanted throughout your whole life? when the little cells in your body just feel pushed away from the world?

and how am i supposed to go on living when all these things are true? how am i supposed to take things one step at a time when something i want so desperately is just a dream that will never come to fruition?

she looks up at the night sky, at the moon. around her is only the darkness. the silence that rests upon her lips frightens the rare passer.

her dark hair and dark eyes only foretell her true intentions. the eternal bliss of silence, the quiet that cloaks the world during those fateful nights.

sometimes i miss those moments so bad, because when everything was going well, damn i was happy. you used to make me so happy and i miss feeling like that.

i miss laughing together at some stand up comedian, i miss going to concerts together, i miss eating fries with you wherever we would go.

god sometimes i miss you so much. sometimes i just remember how you would listen to me talk and i would feel safe with you. sometimes i miss hearing your voice, sometimes i feel like i’ve forgotten how it sounds.

i miss sending you memes and i miss just sitting in silence with you. i miss going to the park with you and chilling in a hammock.

i miss laughing with our friends about some stupid book and at the squirrels for playing along. i never thought i would miss you tickling me but who would have known.

god after all these fucking idiots, you seem like a saint. even though i remember the things that you did that would make me so angry that i wanted to cry, but you would never, you could never hurt me the way they did.

and you knew it, you knew it and wanted to continue. you wanted to hurt me later on, when it was more convenient for you.

three months, that’s how long you can keep up the lie that you love someone. that’s how long you could lie to me.

i used to wonder when we first met whether this was an elaborate prank. it was. and you were perfectly fine with that.

you pretended to be such a moral person, you hypocrite. you said you wouldn’t lie to me. i guess that was a lie too.

for the rest of my life i’ll wonder what was real in that relationship. i’ll wonder how you could break my heart so thoroughly, almost irreparably.

and i can’t believe that you cried more than i did. i can’t believe that i consoled you, i said that i would be fine, that it wasn’t a big deal. i can’t believe that i cared more about you when you spat those damned words in my face.

i told you that i would forgive you. i will. but i won’t forget. i can’t forget how my heart dropped the second you said that you tried to love me but you just couldn’t.

you’ve made me absolutely sure that i won’t touch anyone for a while, because i can’t deal with this heartbreak again.

i deserved better. i fucking did. and you fucking knew it. that’s supposedly why you cried, but i don’t know whether you were lying about that as well.

i woke up in the middle of the night and sobbed. am i truly that unlovable?

it was all a lie and it hurts like a ton of bricks. all the times you said i love you were lies, all the possible plans for the future were lies. everything was a lie.

but man i wish it all could have been true. i wish i wasn’t going through this heartbreak, one of the worst i’ve been through.

you couldn’t get yourself to love me. that’s what you said. on paper i was the perfect match, you just couldn’t fall in love. that’s the worst thing i’ve ever heard.

i was just a toy for you to play around with and i can’t take that. the hurt i feel is intense and i don’t want to miss you.

but god i miss you. i miss your laugh and your smile and i miss every goddamn thing about you.

and i still love you. i still love you. and that’s what hurts me so much, you never loved me, and yet here i am stuck loving you until it finally passes.

i don’t know what i did to upset a higher power in order to let me be hurt in such a manner, but please forgive me. whatever it was.

you couldn’t bring yourself to love me. i’ve never heard something so hurtful. i wish you had kept that to yourself. i wish you hadn’t said that, at least then i could manage with the grief.

now i must deal with the fact that you couldn’t love me. making me feel completely unlovable.

three relationships in less than a year. and i can’t comprehend how bad this one hurt. i watched my future just go down the drain. i watched all the love i felt go wasted on someone else. i watched all the time and effort go straight to the trash.

i always do my best. i did my best. but he didn’t love me. no matter how hard i try, it doesn’t matter because people only see me as a friend.

god i don’t want a relationship anymore. i can’t deal with one anymore. i don’t want to deal with another heartbreak. i’m not sure i can anymore.

i can’t comprehend how you could hurt someone like this. i can’t comprehend how a person so interested in morality could do such a thing.

i woke up in the middle of the night to cry and you probably slept without a problem. there’s no way this is fair.

choose me as the villain in your story. put up warning signs and yell at people not to come near me. scream across all the valleys. shout it from the mountains.

I am your villain. I am the one you must fear. I am the one you will see in the dark. I am the one you don't trust. I am the one destroyer of worlds. I am the epitome of chaos.

so fear me. whisper stories of my cruelty in the ears of my friends. hold your beloved close and never let them go. fight the urge to confront me, knowing that you have no chance.

so choose me as your villain, for I am the only one capable. I am cruel. I am heartless. I am rageful. I am vengeful. I am traitorous. I am not yours.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so after all this time, i have become the villain in your story. but i wonder what i have done to deserve the status. of course i will revel in this new state of being.

but i didn't expect to be considered this dangerous. i am more than i thought i was. i represent the possible destruction of order in your life.

i wouldn't have planned any destruction, but now the option has been set in front of me and it is truly tempting. you make me feel powerful, as if i can turn all that you love to dust.

but choose me. choose me as the antagonist. i can promise a fair fight. but you will not win. if i am evil, then i must prevail.

choose me as your villain. make me your villain. when you tell your friends about me, may they tremble.

make me your villain. tremble before me.

confront me like a hero would, but, unlike a hero, you will not be the winner.

make me your villain and meet your demise. watch everything crumble around you while you realise you are the only one left.

make me your villain and i will show you my wrath.

make me your villain.

you either die a hero or live long enough to become the villain.

i have become the villain in your story, may you have a fun time losing the fight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

make me your villain and suffer the consequences.

Make me your villain and watch the torturous actions put upon your loved ones.

MAke me your villain and feel the world shift beneath your feet.

MAKe me your villain and cry before the darkness falls.

MAKE me your villain and shiver when you hear my footsteps.

MAKE Me your villain and fear what may come after the door opens.

MAKE ME your villain and scream when you see my face.

MAKE ME Your villain and shout for help that will never reach you.

MAKE ME YOur villain and be paralysed in your chair.

MAKE ME YOUr villain and embrace the inevitability of your defeat.

MAKE ME YOUR villain and fight me with the little power you have left.

MAKE ME YOUR Villain and realise how you cannot win the fight.

MAKE ME YOUR VIllain and try to continue while you've taken a blow.

MAKE ME YOUR VILlain and beg for mercy.

MAKE ME YOUR VILLain and hope death finds you as quickly as possible.

MAKE ME YOUR VILLAin and plead for your cause before the executioner.

MAKE ME YOUR VILLAIn and leave your measly life behind.

my green light is almost completely blocked by the thick fog, and yet the soft flicker of the red light on the hill bring me back to a simpler time.

a time when i didn’t have as much to worry about, when i wasn’t nearly half as mature .

and yet when i saw him today, i knew, i felt it in my chest that i was truly alright. i loved him once, but that time has passed.

when i looked at him, i just saw a person, flaws and all. for once i could breathe again, i could feel nothing but hope for his future and hope for mine, but they’re completely separate.

the red light on the hill just looks down on me with an indifference that i may not truly comprehend, but i feel it in the only possible way.

maybe once he’ll look back on our time together and smile, i know some day i will. but either way, i know i’ll be alright.

i know that i’ll be able to see his smile without the ache in my stomach, i’ll be able to hear his voice without feeling as if someone punched me in the gut. i’ll be able to hear his name and have it just be a part of my past and it won’t hurt.

i’m stronger than i thought i was, but i’m also full of love and forgiveness, hope and care. i’m a person like no other, but like everyone who came before me.