writingmostly

the quiet screams of the haunted

what an awful sound

hear it where we stand in the garden

the flowers bloom for you

an echo falls all around us

as our legs shake in fear

i miss you when you’re haunting

though these screams are all true

here i lie wrapped with chains

in this grey chamber

i am coiled with fear for you

even when i feel empty

i sit quietly in the dark

and i hear, hear the beating of a heart

i hear all of the art

you, you, you say, say, say

you, you, you want it easy-ay-ay

i’ll feel you, you, you

if it comes that way-ay-ay

going out by the say, hey, hey

white blooded insane-ane-ane

but love what do you got

you sit up on top

of your picket white fence and you

shame, shame, shame

the way i know you, you, you

feel this type of pain-ain-ain

you, you, you say, say, say

give it all to me, me, me

i want your skin to scream, scream, scream

love’s just a different type of way-ay-ay

the crystals hanging like a line

nothings happened

nothings fine

but the twinkle in your eyes

feeling sharper shards of life

is this wrong or is it right

it’s finally happened

tearing at your skin

aching with the positive

maybe i’ll remember

and the breathing of the sky

you think you feel alive

some things absurd

blissful pains reaching for the rest

and you’re awake up in this mess

whatever happened?

longing for a hungover morning cure

won’t i remember this for years

it smells like summer

in the afternoon, we pour honey

singing the blues, and i love

every tear drop that i lose

cant keep up with the sun

cause when you’re feeling warm

i’ll take you in my arms

lets slow dance while they haunt

make this house our home

mom and dad died last night

and i saw you and you saw me

and we cried out for the skies

we cried to the night

drowning in this forest

of endless drought

we hear their footsteps

we hear them in the dark

cant keep up with the sun

cause when you’re feeling warm

i’ll take you in my arms

lets slow dance while they haunt

make this house our home

make this house our home

we’ll be up in the dawn

cant someone hear

cant someone feel

cant someone take me out of this

sequence of terrible things

that keep happening

why cant i touch

why cant i call

why is it that every time i heal

i fall right back onto the rocks

something that gives

and my soul that will take

when i break

i just cant seem to breathe

show me how you go on

after everything gets taken

show me how you move on

after your world falls apart

cant someone come

cant someone rush

cant someone get me out

and let me go

and let me fly

well i guess i’ll just run

i guess i can learn

i guess i can just free myself

and be whoever i’ll want

grief takes over my mind

i feel my loss inside

and it terrifies

every inch of my blood

and i know that i must

i feel it all come

and i can feel my heart rush

before more i wish

show me how you go on

after everything gets taken

show me how you move on

taken down by the entourage

laid out in court

you couldn’t do anything

it’s not your fault

take your hand in mine

and we can

for you

 My hands clenched around the grass blades beneath them as my heart pounded with emotion. By now, Jeremiah would be getting ready at his early hour of seven in the morning, before leaving for work in around thirty minutes. The ache in my chest grew and grew – I hated to do this to him, or anyone, but I knew it’s what I needed.

Since we met six years ago in university, I had known I’d be spending the rest of my life with him and there was always that haunting feeling that knew he wouldn’t be with me for the rest of his. Not because of us arguing, cheating, abuse, or anything of that sort – but because of my inner turmoil mixed with my mind’s strong ability to hate itself. Was I sure this is what I wanted?

I hesitated. But not for me. For him.

Soon, he’d see on our porch my remnants of love and life. He’d breakdown, maybe, or possibly try to find me. And – hell – he would, just too late. It’d be, thankfully, too late. Everyday for the past weeks I’ve thought of this day, this night and dawn, and it was what I focused on before I would fall asleep next to my love. Each moment of the past few years had gone by nearly in a fast blur but at the same time it felt like an eternity. I hated feeling the way I did, and I wanted to stop the feelings.

And I wasn’t even sure about it for a while – did I really want it? Would I grow out of it? Would things change? Forever, I thought they would, and I thought I’d grow out of this abyss I created for  myself. And forever, I didn’t know if I wanted it. But as I sat up on a cliff that out-looked acres of forest, I felt finally at peace. I felt happy. I felt good. Those feelings had been so foreign to me that they made me hurt all over. I could feel my soul quaking and pushing.

I knew it’d hurt people I loved and that it might even destroy who they were for a while – but the difference between them and me was that they could come back up. Each time I was put down, each time I dug a little deeper, it seemed that I had no escape plan and no way to crawl myself back out. I knew that it would hurt. But I knew that they could recover.

What was stopping me?

Nothing.

I had already prepared everything, and everything wasn’t a lot. I knew what I needed, and I was taking it. The early morning light shun across the skies like a heaven calling for me. The sun was already warm, unlike the sorrowful night that lingered still. I loved my last view; I had picked it a long time ago. It seemed that even when I wasn’t sure, I still knew what I wanted. With the green trees all around me, I felt at ease, even when it was night, and everything had been dark with an eerie tinge. As if the night knew my morning plan.

And as the sun started to stretch its rays like arms across the world, I was only reassured. All the colors mixed and shifted brighter, brighter, brighter…

I unclenched my hands, moving them, knocking over the empty orange bottle, waiting, blinking, and heart beating. My eyes started to get blurry with tears, and, quite frankly, I wasn’t sure if they were happy or sad. I knew that both of those were prevalent in me, though. My hands started shaking as the silent tears traveled down my face. The entire scenery was refreshing, and my heart began to slow with the rising sun. I laid back – ignoring that I hated laying in grass because of bugs – and took the changing sky in. It was beautiful – an amazing last morning and an amazing last day.

I smiled but tears still came out. Shaking my head, I smiled even more as a euphoric rush replaced all the ache. All the emotions were still there – but I could only care for the happy ones. I blinked slowly, thinking of all my past. Thinking of my people. Thinking of my life. I could hear his voice in my head telling me he loved me. And, even though I knew he couldn’t hear me, I said it aloud.

“I love you, Jeremiah,” the murmur slipped from my lips barely loud enough for even myself to hear. The weakness of my body kept me down on the grass as my heart thumped with consistent leisure. There was no more concern for others as all I could seem to think about was his face and the sky.

His grey eyes were shining in my head, his hearty smile everlasting with mine. I could feel my entire self slowly begin to give up – I could feel it all settling in. My breathing went even slower. I didn’t even want to try moving. My eyes were getting heavier and heavier, with every blink they wanted to keep down.

Of course, they won, and stayed shut. I could see only him before I could see nothing.

A note that read:

Jeremiah,

 I love you. With everything, I love you. But even that love cannot stop this hurt I feel every day. You are the only good that I have anymore, and even that gets dampened by this deep dark cloud of loathing and misery over me. Its spread is all over, inside and out, I feel it every second.

I hope you don’t hurt too badly. I know you can get through it. I know that you’re strong enough to do that.

I’ll be at the cliff, and I only put that here so you can find me after the fact. I’m sorry for this, it’s the only out I see to this constant pain that makes me boil and seethe and shake and teary.

This box is for every moment you’ve made me feel a light. It’s for every time I’ve smiled because of you. It’s for every time I wished that I could be there.

For you, Jeremiah-

Aaron

doing all that barking noise

are you not chilling like i am?

are you not doing like i am?

baby, get in this pen

shut up, and go natural

loving on this plan

loving all these plans

breaking down the dam

come to the show

we’re going all animal

shutting out the rational

no one wants to hear

everyone wants to blare

they ain’t enjoying this life jam

i’ll keep acting like i am

staring down the new hole

trying to hurt these newborn souls

everyone’s just a little cold

we got this in the bag

we’ll finish top of the class

the bittersweet bite on my tongue

no this just aint enough

it aint happening

sugar so hot

it’ll burn the fun

cause we’re going higher, higher

in the sound

cause we’re going higher, higher

another round

if the rumours quiet

would you come down?

making your head spin but

i feel so proud

cause we’re going higher, higher

can’t play this down

cause we’re going higher, higher

i check my email

i cannot wait

i do it again

i don’t hesitate

i hope for a new one

i get nothing

i check and check it

i won’t be patient

i get my nerves up

i see a name

i open it up

i feel relief

i get acceptance

im sitting at your favourite bar

you’re not very far, you’re

dancing on the floor

with some bimbo girl

i really wish you’d come

home with me tonight

i’m feeling like a flight

risk, baby come and kiss

me on my lips

pour another drink

this one’s on me

you hear me call your name

you turn and look faint

sitting on the stool

sipping on this pool

of liquid dumb love

so come on over here

let me buy you a beer

pour another drink

this one’s on me

i want you to kiss me

i think you’re so pretty

this perfect night

can’t go til it’s bright

stop dancing and waltz right over

pull me into your arms

take ourselves back in time

i want to see your eyes

i look off into the long shore

and i long for more

when you say these things

the hot bright sun shining

the world it spins for you

spins for you my muse

singing songs without a care

because i know you’ll be here

staring off into distance

on my boat with you

my hope is stone

i’m filled with joy

sing this song

love’s a-bound

this is a poem about self care

about painting nails and doing hair

taking steaming baths

or walking the pier

taking the wheel

and taking your share

exercising on the trampoline

bouncing for hours

pounding out the flour

for your favorite cake

the kind you want to make

going to the movies

or shopping for clothes

getting a drink

or being a hoe

self care and self love

goes a long way

when you’re happy

the world wakes

treating yourself

to a chocolate dessert

or going to get your haircut

being happy

smiling and free

this poem is about self care

and self care is poetry

going to church

or being without faith

going to the park

and taking a break

watching the skies

the birds that fly

getting stoned

or relaxing afloat

dancing to music

and watching shows

cleaning your room

and going outside

soaking the sun

or watching the night

hanging up decor

or walking the curb

self care is a necessity

and self care won’t hurt

he calls you up at midnight

with a sense of narrow glee

he calls you up for a late night

no, it don’t make sense to me

a shining gun, in a midnight hum

hang in your shadow and flee

come up with a fright

and he’ll be shying from sight

caught in the arrow of bleak

pain and rough time

for a chosen one

in through the doorway he’ll be

chasing for the sound

of a sweet young fawn

piercing straight shot to the beat

and in the middle of the night

you’ll hear it scream out

pour some glitter

in a fentanyl kiss

on my body

it hurts with bliss

surrounding anger

fades into this

golden honey

an orange light, light

i, i

an orange light, light

i, i

center of my eye

i, i

orange light, light

makes no sense

i, i feel so high, high

it’s so bright, bright

this orange light

lose your might, try

i try to save your mind

try, try to save your sight

i, i’m walking fine

i feel the night, night

send my love, tough

it feels so rough, huff

but it’s enough

i swear to god, god

i love this hunt, hunt

an orange light, light

i, i

an orange light, light

i, i

feel the fire

i, i

orange light, light

crutch of a song

i feel so strung, up

i, i have a ton

release my lungs

breathing out sun, sun

and in the morning

i bite

i carry my light, light

and it’s all fine, fine

even when the ocean sings

“darling i will give you everything”

come to me, my burst of love

ease your ache, soothe your burns

here i stand and still will wait

with open arms and a heart that shakes

hear the wind in skies, it says

“follow me and i’ll show you the way”

walk the path, the path i made

it hurts with scars and stings with hate

but at the end you’ll find the light

the light inside and light embrace

fill with it, all the love

shake the tears, this can be enough

walk and walk and shake and shake