My hands clenched around the grass blades beneath them as my heart pounded with emotion. By now, Jeremiah would be getting ready at his early hour of seven in the morning, before leaving for work in around thirty minutes. The ache in my chest grew and grew â I hated to do this to him, or anyone, but I knew itâs what I needed.
Since we met six years ago in university, I had known Iâd be spending the rest of my life with him and there was always that haunting feeling that knew he wouldnât be with me for the rest of his. Not because of us arguing, cheating, abuse, or anything of that sort â but because of my inner turmoil mixed with my mindâs strong ability to hate itself. Was I sure this is what I wanted?
I hesitated. But not for me. For him.
Soon, heâd see on our porch my remnants of love and life. Heâd breakdown, maybe, or possibly try to find me. And â hell â he would, just too late. Itâd be, thankfully, too late. Everyday for the past weeks Iâve thought of this day, this night and dawn, and it was what I focused on before I would fall asleep next to my love. Each moment of the past few years had gone by nearly in a fast blur but at the same time it felt like an eternity. I hated feeling the way I did, and I wanted to stop the feelings.
And I wasnât even sure about it for a while â did I really want it? Would I grow out of it? Would things change? Forever, I thought they would, and I thought Iâd grow out of this abyss I created for  myself. And forever, I didnât know if I wanted it. But as I sat up on a cliff that out-looked acres of forest, I felt finally at peace. I felt happy. I felt good. Those feelings had been so foreign to me that they made me hurt all over. I could feel my soul quaking and pushing.
I knew itâd hurt people I loved and that it might even destroy who they were for a while â but the difference between them and me was that they could come back up. Each time I was put down, each time I dug a little deeper, it seemed that I had no escape plan and no way to crawl myself back out. I knew that it would hurt. But I knew that they could recover.
I had already prepared everything, and everything wasnât a lot. I knew what I needed, and I was taking it. The early morning light shun across the skies like a heaven calling for me. The sun was already warm, unlike the sorrowful night that lingered still. I loved my last view; I had picked it a long time ago. It seemed that even when I wasnât sure, I still knew what I wanted. With the green trees all around me, I felt at ease, even when it was night, and everything had been dark with an eerie tinge. As if the night knew my morning plan.
And as the sun started to stretch its rays like arms across the world, I was only reassured. All the colors mixed and shifted brighter, brighter, brighterâŚ
I unclenched my hands, moving them, knocking over the empty orange bottle, waiting, blinking, and heart beating. My eyes started to get blurry with tears, and, quite frankly, I wasnât sure if they were happy or sad. I knew that both of those were prevalent in me, though. My hands started shaking as the silent tears traveled down my face. The entire scenery was refreshing, and my heart began to slow with the rising sun. I laid back â ignoring that I hated laying in grass because of bugs â and took the changing sky in. It was beautiful â an amazing last morning and an amazing last day.
I smiled but tears still came out. Shaking my head, I smiled even more as a euphoric rush replaced all the ache. All the emotions were still there â but I could only care for the happy ones. I blinked slowly, thinking of all my past. Thinking of my people. Thinking of my life. I could hear his voice in my head telling me he loved me. And, even though I knew he couldnât hear me, I said it aloud.
âI love you, Jeremiah,â the murmur slipped from my lips barely loud enough for even myself to hear. The weakness of my body kept me down on the grass as my heart thumped with consistent leisure. There was no more concern for others as all I could seem to think about was his face and the sky.
His grey eyes were shining in my head, his hearty smile everlasting with mine. I could feel my entire self slowly begin to give up â I could feel it all settling in. My breathing went even slower. I didnât even want to try moving. My eyes were getting heavier and heavier, with every blink they wanted to keep down.
Of course, they won, and stayed shut. I could see only him before I could see nothing.
 I love you. With everything, I love you. But even that love cannot stop this hurt I feel every day. You are the only good that I have anymore, and even that gets dampened by this deep dark cloud of loathing and misery over me. Its spread is all over, inside and out, I feel it every second.
I hope you donât hurt too badly. I know you can get through it. I know that youâre strong enough to do that.
Iâll be at the cliff, and I only put that here so you can find me after the fact. Iâm sorry for this, itâs the only out I see to this constant pain that makes me boil and seethe and shake and teary.
This box is for every moment youâve made me feel a light. Itâs for every time Iâve smiled because of you. Itâs for every time I wished that I could be there.
And below it, a small box. Picking it up and finding whatâs inside. A silver engagement ring, a circle of promise and merriness and bliss, and now a heartbreak with melancholy.