Untitled

I haven't written in a long time. I went away for awhile. Just me and Shiloh. I went to a town I've never forgotten. I got stoned daily, heavily. It's time. I've blamed everyone. I've blamed everyone. Everyone that is but me. Panda? I'm telling you here because you won't talk to me. Panda I lied. I never stopped. I want you to know it wasn't you. You were never undesirable to me. There was never any nerve damage. I lied. I have no excuses. No one forced me. I lied. I lied to you. I lied to Aimee. Worst of all, I lied to myself. I lied so often and so well, I started to believe. Panda? Please don't be too mad at me. I'm weak. But I'm getting stronger. It's only been 4 nights but I'm so proud of myself. You might be asking, why tell me now? When I was packing to move, I came across the memories of us that I've been able to save. One of them was a letter you wrote to me when I was in St. George. The feeling and time you put into that letter woke me up in a dramatic way. You loved me. I loved you. We were panda mates. I have a reminder of you on my wrist and I don't regret it anymore. I still love you. I'm still in love with you. I suppose in a painful way, this has been good for both of us. You've returned to your true love and I'm finally facing this. If there is a positive to take away from this, which I admit probably wasn't easy to hear, please take away this...it took you, it took losing panda, not Aimee, not Toni, not Angela, panda....is the one that finally made me wake to my truth. I'm going to be really emotional fir the next few months. Up, down, sideways. Know this, I'm loving my life, after only 4 days plus a month of the gym, 2 months of meditation, I love me more now than at any other time in my life. I thank you for leaving me. I love you for leaving me. That being said, I regret losing you. I'm lonely for only you each day. I know I'm confusing but believe that.