Najea

I handed you the exact blueprint of my ruins.

I don't trust easily, and I am fiercely cautious because I know how deeply I feel things. But the way you spoke to me felt like a safe harbor. You made comfort look so effortless that I did the one thing I swore I'd never do:

I let down my guard.

I showed you my depth. I gave you a literal disclaimer. I told you, this is where it hurts; please don't touch it.

And then we were just... happy.

Constant updates. Inside jokes. Memes at midnight. A shared life in tiny digital pieces.

Or maybe I was the only one romanticizing the routine.

Because overnight, the air turned cold.

You became a stranger without warning. The updates vanished. The conversations faded. The silence became deafening.

What hurt most wasn't the distance itself.

It was that you had promised me—explicitly promised me—that you wouldn't create it.

You told me you wouldn't disappear. You told me you would be careful with the vulnerabilities I trusted you with.

And yet, somehow, here we are.

Did I say something wrong?

Did I hurt you?

Why?

I spent a week acting like a detective in my own grief, rereading old messages and searching for clues that were never there. I treated your silence like a puzzle that could be solved if I just looked hard enough.

Then someone reminded me to be kind to myself.

And they were right.

I am at an age where I understand that people don't always leave explanations.

Sometimes they just leave.

So to you, my dear friend:

I was genuine.

Every conversation mattered to me. Every laugh was real. Every moment of care came from a sincere place.

I don't regret showing my depth. I don't regret caring. I don't regret being honest about who I am.

What I regret is believing that every promise is meant to be kept.

But I am letting go of the mystery now.

Not because I found the answers, but because I've finally accepted that some questions will never have them.

I truly wish you all the best.

And if this is where our story ends, then let it end with the truth:

I cared.

I was genuine.

There’s something I want to be honest about. I realized today that it’s hard for me to hear anything about you seeing or going out with someone else. It hits me in a way I didn’t expect. Maybe that means I got more attached than I meant to. Maybe it’s jealousy. Whatever it is, I don’t like how it feels.

I care about you. I enjoy being around you. That’s the truth. But I also need to protect myself a bit. I don’t want to keep putting in more effort or getting closer if it’s only going to make things harder for me. So I’ll take a step back. Not because I’m angry. Not because I’m cutting you off. I just need some space to steady myself.

A quiet hinge turns between two rooms.

Light slips through the seam.

It never decides which side to warm.

A pulse echoes in a place without walls.

It drifts.

It circles.

It refuses to land.

Something waits in the hollow of a thought.

It is neither held nor released.

It hums with its own uncertainty.

A warmth rises where no fire burns.

It lingers in patterns no one names.

It asks nothing.

My Love,

Happy holidays. I hope you feel warm and surrounded by good things tonight. I’ve been holding something in for a long time. I like you. I’ve wanted to tell you. but I keep stopping myself. I’m scared that if I say it out loud. you might pull away. And all I want is to stay close to you.

So I try to keep it safe. I stay as your friend. even when my heart asks for more. I know you don’t feel the same. You’re careful with the people you choose. You value friendship. and I respect that deeply. Still. I won’t pretend that I never imagine us together. I do. More often than I admit.

I picture us watching movies. going out on small dates. holding hands without thinking. sharing quiet moments where we just look at each other and understand everything. I imagine leaning on you. and you leaning on me. a simple closeness that feels right.

The truth is. I really like you. I don’t want to lose what we already have. I treasure you. every version of you that you show me.

That’s why it stings a little when you talk about someone you have a crush on. I feel a small jealousy I can’t hide. even if I know I don’t have any right to feel it. Still. please don’t make me jealous. It gets to me in ways I wish it didn’t.

But even through that. I want you in my life. I want you close. I want you to stay.

Hey. I’ve liked you since late 2023. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment. It just happened. I saw you and something in me paused. I felt this quiet pull. This sense that there was something special about you.

I held it back because of my situation. I knew it wasn’t the right time. Still. I wanted to know you. So I asked you out for coffee or lunch. Always with someone else around because I didn’t want you to feel awkward. There was a time when I invited you alone and I sensed you were uncomfortable. That stayed with me. I wasn’t sure how to navigate any of this. I just genuinely wanted to know you.

And the more I learned about you. the clearer it became. I really like you.

I don’t always understand these feelings. Maybe that’s part of being gay. Maybe it’s just part of being human. I’m sorry if I ever seemed distant. Sometimes I ignore you because I’m trying to fight what I feel. I’m scared that if I tell you the truth. you might pull away. I don’t want that. I just want to be near you. to keep what we have.

So I’ve stayed quiet. Content with the closeness we share now. But I still want to say it. even if only here.