Writing & Fighting

These aren’t two different people. These are two different mindsets. The odds are you will find yourself coming face to face with both if you train long enough and hard enough.

What is jiu jitsu to me?

I have always been a philosopher at heart. And that is because when it comes down to it I love to grapple. Be it mental or physical, grappling is my thing. My passion exists where I can grapple. It is how I got into writing (mental grappling with my thoughts), it is why I have a philosophical nature (soul grappling), and it is completely why I am head over heels in love with practicing brazilian jiu jitsu.

By their very nature, jiu jitsu rolls, over time, explore complexities and seek out new understanding; asks a thousand questions and finds those answers tenfold, encounters problems and solves them. Finds the equilibrium of truth and humility over winning or losing. Allows you to get completely creative using the axis of fundamental concepts to spin into a realm of wicked transitioning alchemy.

How you grapple is how you experience life. Jiu jitsu, to me, is beautiful because it allows me to get better at grappling and get better at life at the same time.

So, I hit a wall last night on the mats. I was enjoying myself rolling with a guy i always enjoy rolling with. We were rolling and switching top bottom quite frequently and then resetting. We were going more for the transitions and positions on this particular roll as there were certain things we both wanted to practice, so it was a nice bit of 50/50 during open mat. We are just about to reset again, we slap bumped and something just switched off in my mind. I felt like a million shutters went down and I just froze. Wtf? I was pretty freaked out. And i just felt like i wanted to cry…again, wtf? I was clueless as to what was overcoming me and I think my partner was worried i was hurt. He was asking me if I was okay and I said yeah I was fine but that I just hit a wall out of nowhere in my mind. And i had no reason to but i just started welling up. It was such a strange feeling to be feeling that way on the mats. It just didnt feel natural in a place that, for me, is always a fun and happy place. Sure ive been tested before; but to be so suddenly overcome with that level of emotion during training just felt bizarre. I looked at my partner and his eyes were so compassionate and i could see that perhaps he maybez understood more about what was going on than i did. He wanted to give me a hug but i didnt want to fuel it so i tried to shake it off. I sat the next round out as we were odd numbers anyway and it was my turn to sit out. I just watched the others roll intently so as not to feel what i was feeling, which was mostly just like i wanted to have a good cry. Why? hell if i knew??? I started to realise at that point that i felt pretty tired. Timer went and I rolled with a guy i dont always feel comfortable rolling with. And by the end of it i had some tears rolling down my cheeks. It really pissed me off because i genuinely didnt know what was happening with me. I wasnt hurt. Sure, I was pretty tired after a long week and moving home and stuff but I am used to being tired generally anyways. Later on as we were packing up, one of the girls i’d drilled with said that it has happened to her from time to time. She said she gets it when she is smashed hard. I felt that is tangible. You can relate getting smashed to a feeling. I had no obvious reason. In fact, id been enjoying myself as i usually do.

So i went home feeling baffled and emotional. I slept really long and deep. The next day i was uber stiff everywhere (bjj-life). And i had a bit more mental clarity. I could see a bit more clearly what had been going on for me. I realised that i had been pretty tired and one thing i had been subtly feeling was like i couldnt keep up the pace as good as usual that night. Usually i enjoy pushing myself through that resistance. I guess somedays just arent gonna be like that. Every now and again we are gonna have to dig deep for a newfound level of resilliance.

Because i was tired my mental game ran dry. I think that was the moment i crashed. You are constantly using your mental drive in bjj and it is that which fuels the movement and the action. That barrier i hit was just me being so tired that my mind was shutting down. And i guess like when a child is over-tired i became a bit tearful and felt like i didnt really understand that that was all that it really was. What I was essentially coming up against was my mind wanting to shut down and stop before i was actually done. i hadnt realised i was that tired because i am so used to pushing through it on a physical level.

When it comes to endurance training and breaking through those mental barriers. You have to see through them for what they are and not buy into them. Those days are gonna come up when you need to remember this. Especially if you are continually challenging yourself to keep improving. You are going to hit newfound challenges time and again. And you have to realise the moments that feel like breaking point are simply the moments when you are, in fact, just about to have a break through. All you have to do is see that that feeling of being done and admitting defeat is just an illusion that you have to pass through and realise it was all just a bad feeling made by a tired mind. It is not real. It is just a mistaken mind that you have to become wise to.

Sure you gotta rest sometimes. But generally speaking, if you are looking to improve and complete your sessions. You are gonna find yourself needing to posture up against those defeating minds that present themselves during those moments of weakness. Ride through them like they are just a dream. They were never anything more than that in reality. You will see that if you disengage them and push past them.