i was always the boss

Twas the night before christmas Louis' birthday when suddenly I recalled- I sat bolt up in shock- I'd forgotten a promise to yall! It was a christmas day, you see, back in 2018, that Simon Cowell dramatically demonstrated exactly how brilliant he is when thinking things up all on his own rather than taking credit for a woman's ideas- he would be starting a new band he said, of CGI monkeys!! One of them would be modelled after Harry Styles! Sadly someone slapped him out of whatever drugged stupor led to telling the press about that brainstorm, and we never heard about it again... except from me, who had made a vow to Never Forget and to bring it up every xmas forever and ever (because I can only assume Simon would hate that.) He still hasn't learned though, just this year he hyped up an AI deepfake of himself made with that very same technology- he really just so transparently wants a band without any pesky rebellious humans in it, yikes. The fact is, the man is a clown all year every year, so may I present… a 2022 review!

Sadly, the year's biggest Cowell news was but a hoax- he did not in fact die, yet. However, he did lose a tooth, get COVID, and fall off his electric bike and end up in the hospital AGAIN, proving that ill wishes (mine) can come true to some extent! And not to worry, there's still hope for next year- apparently he still bikes around without a helmet daily. A recent TV appearance had his fans (??! sounds fake but okay) "distracted by his incredibly smooth visage"- allegedly his botox and other modifications got to the point that his son was "in hysterics" at the site of him, a clever turn of phrase that implies tears but could also mean he was laughing his ass off- me too kid, me too. Although The Sun continue to print only flattering and respectful articles- almost as if they had some kind of relationship or agreement with him?! wow this is Brand New Information- the Daily Mail definitely got the brief that tis the season for making fun of Cowell, and have been running an endless series of articles about his "many faces through the years" and "melting mug". They were denied the opportunity with his most recent TV appearance however, as he did that interview with a shadow strategically cast across himself like a low tech witness protection gambit. Perhaps, I thought, some of the issue was with the confusing and scary sounding 25 pound face masks he was reportedly doing, but it turned out that was merely an audio based misunderstanding- it was sponcon for a £25 face mask, boring.

He continues to talk up his son in interviews, bragging that the kid is a great talent spotter and he "leans on him" for opinions (that I can believe) but if you're skeptical that Simon would actually let himself be upstaged, you're quite right! Consider: he also had some things to say about what his cancelled show The X Factor would look like if it came back. The tabs report that he "is adamant that the judges should be industry insiders such as A&R people rather than artists because they are better judges of talent and less jealous of bright young artists.” Sounds like SOMEONE is jealous all right but it's not an artist judge! I think we all remember who stole the show and the hearts of multiple nations- not to mention those of scores of allegedly straight men- on the last season of TXF while spotting and nurturing the talent who went on to win it all, all while making fun of Simon at every opportunity: yes indeed, it was bright young artist and Guest Judge Louis Tomlinson! Gosh who could have seen THAT coming? Possibly the actual visionary of TXF, Nicole Scherzinger, another guest judge who upstaged Simon- most recently when footage of her forming 1D was finally released on the 10th anniversary. She said she was surprised it had survived, that she assumed he had "burned it" (to bolster his decade long lie that it was he who had had the world-changing idea.) But no, she says, in fact it was "the way that my mind grapes were working" which is, um, a very weird way of putting that, but it WORKED OUT GREAT so who am I to quibble with the way her grapejuice flows.

Harry: “For many people, across the globe, tomorrow is Christmas Eve. But to even more people, tomorrow is Louis’ birthday.”

Oh my god she’s such a fool. Meanwhile, two days later...

Harry Styles and Olivia Wilde are hitting the brakes on their romance.

The "As It Was" singer, 28, and theDon't Worry Darling director, 38, are "taking a break" from their relationship after nearly two years together, multiple sources confirm exclusively to PEOPLE.

"He's still touring and is now going abroad. She is focusing on her kids and her work in L.A.," says one source. "It's a very amicable decision."

Indeed, Wilde — along with her children, daughter Daisy, 6, and son Otis, 8 (she co-parents with ex-fiancé Jason Sudeikis) — were spotted dancing and singing along at Styles'Nov. 15 concert in Los Angeles.

"They're still very close friends," says the source of the pair. Adds a friend: "Right now, they have different priorities that are keeping them apart."

Styles, who is heading abroad for his Love on Tour shows, and Wilde were first linked in January 2021 after they werephotographed holding handswhile attending a friend's wedding.

Last month, Wilde was also spotted by fans cheering on Styles from the crowd at his Harryween concert in Los Angeles on Oct. 31. In late September, the two were photographed kissing on the street in New York City.

Over the course of their relationship, Wilde and Styles have had to enduredrama surrounding the release of their film Don't Worry Darling, namely persistent claims that Wilde and the film's leading actress, Florence Pugh, were at odds.

"The public pressure on them has been difficult," says the friend. "They've had ups and downs throughout the relationship."

In September,40 members of the crew and production teamwere moved to release a statement hitting back at the endless rumors.

"As a crew, we've avoided addressing the absurd gossip surrounding the movie we're so proud of, but feel the need to correct the anonymous 'sources' quoted in a recent article," said the team, adding that Wilde was "an incredible leader and director."

The Booksmart director previously explained toVanity Fair why she keeps details of her romance with Styles private: "I think once you crack open the window, you can't then be mad when mosquitos come in."

Styles, meanwhile, told Rolling Stone in August that he also wanted to keep his personal life under wraps.

"I've never talked about my life away from work publicly and found that it's benefited me positively," he told the outlet. "There's always going to be a version of a narrative, and I think I just decided I wasn't going to spend the time trying to correct it or redirect it in some way."

Though the actress and the Grammy-winning singer never confirmed their relationship, Wilde was often spotted in the crowd at Styles' Love on Tour shows, and was photographed on multiple occasions sporting his merchandise on coffee runs, including a Love on Tour T-shirt.

The two were seen kissing on a yacht in Monte Argentario, Italy in July 2021, and in November, eagle-eyed fans noticed Wilde wearing what appeared to be the same gold cross necklaceStyles wore to the Grammys at a fashion show. They were also photographed in Italy together this past May.

In aninterview with Voguepublished in December 2021, Wilde did not address the former One Direction singer by name, but said she was "happier than I've ever been."

"It's obviously really tempting to correct a false narrative," she said. "But I think what you realize is that when you're really happy, it doesn't matter what strangers think about it. All that matters to you is what's real, and what you love, and who you love."