Ahli

hey everyone! i haven’t been writing for quite a while now – see, the last few months, i have caught the love bug and i was in love for the first time in my life.

as a heartbreak writer, i couldn’t write anything in the duration of our love because i was genuinely happy but in the odds of fate, love is not a one-way drive and the lover of my dreams didn’t feel the same way as i had.

i haven’t been writing even after we broke up because it means that i have to recall every moment i spent with him – the memories i used to cherish in the past now feel like a terrible fever dream to me.

i try my best not to villain-ize him for the pain he caused me because as the poets used to say, “all is fair in love and war”. i took the risk and i failed to win, that’s the way life goes, right?

see, what hurt me the most about him leaving was the fact that he didn’t try to stay. he didn’t try to pull me back, and he just watched me go. for the longest time, i wanted to know what it feels like to be fought for and i guess, he just wasn’t my match.

loving him was beautiful but i hated the fact that he left when i was already in the most happiest time of my life and in the most comfortable i’ve ever been.

he just left without looking back.

now, i question love and all it stands for. if it’s as the poets used to say or if a love like that has already gone extinct?

can i really be loved the way i want to be loved? and if i can, i hope he arrives soon. i’ve been praying for a guy like him my whole life.

i just need someone who won’t leave just like he did.

we never really got to talk about it, didn't we?

i bet that you were as curious and confused as i was if it was love or not that we shared.

see, we never got past that point.

in this moment right now, i think it's time to stop taking it against you.

what good would it do anyways?

whatever we had, it was beautiful. you were a rare view captured in one soul.

and i guess i'm sorry too for never saying my goodbyes as well, see, all i wanted to do was to say my hellos

but i got over it,

and i wish you well,

In this very couch I sit in right now, I slept soundly and deeply, and I dreamt that I married you in the church my father worked in, I pulled you out as a song played, Our wedding guests rejoiced, And I felt at peace because I was your Missus, We hid in a blind spot I knew, and I eagerly kissed you,

The day was beautiful and the day was perfect, Every time I touched you felt like a dream– But of course, it was only a dream.

the night has never been a friend to me, all it does is to reveal the sorrows i keep during the day and remind me of how lonesome i am behind the facade.

i never lied when i said i got over you. i believe that honestly because i have but like a fragment of my past, the memory of you revisits me every night when i close my eyes to sleep.

when i do, i start to wonder about a different dimension of you and i. no heartbreaks, challenges or pain, but just love. a dimension where we got everything right – where the universe took its time with our story.

in those dreams, i wake beside you and care for our children. later, i'd wait for you to come home, and at midnight we'd slow dance to sinatra. and sometimes, i do think that i'd give up everything for my fantasy because every time, i'd think it's worth giving up everything for.

i am proud of you, and the person you have become. but if i'm honest, i am jealous and envious – mad, if i may. because i can't have you that way. in this dimension, i have to exist far away from you, and it pains me.

I'll be honest, you're all I want. I don't know how to keep you but I really want to, so trust that in my loving, I'll do my best.

I want to hold your hand, I want to rest in your arms, I want to kiss you.

I want to be happy while distant - like I am right now, but all I want to do is run as fast as I can towards you.

I know how the road ends, but I'm still driving towards it. I can't find myself to turn, even when I stop for a while, I still end up going back to you.

I can't confess to you because I know what the answer is. So, all I can hope to do is wish for you to come to me.

Nobody compares to your grace, to your voice, to your love, and to you as a person.

I don't like you for any specific reason, I just like you because you're you, and I want you.

Please, come find your way to me.

I met you in the most unlikely circumstance ever, but Benny, I'm grateful that our paths crossed each other's.

I want you to know that you were so important in my life because you treated me so well.

On our first week of talking, I already knew that you'd be my favorite boy for the longest time.

I never knew that I could be loved the way you loved me, I wasn't even sure if I ever deserved it – but Benny, I'm truly appreciative.

You're the reason why I still haven't given up on love because ever since you came in my life, I realized that a good kind of love do exist too.

I know we didn't end in the greatest way but I hope I'm as significant in your life as you are in mine.

I really wish you stayed.

you were my sun, the daylight in my sky, i'd look for you when i wake up, and every time you left, i'd stay to watch you slowly leave, gracefully.

when you left me, you took the sun along with you, and a part of my soul too, you left me to suffer in darkness, where i couldn't see, where i couldn't move.

until the moon came along, and shared his light with me, it wasn't as bright as you, but every night he'd show me the stars, and not once did his sight hurt me.

you might've taken the sun along with you, but he showed me his galaxy, and i thank god because after the day, i know that there would be night, to show me what and how love truly is.

now i know what frank meant when he said, "unrequited love is nothing but a one-man cult" cos i worship you the same in silence.

i would do anything for you to keep you here, and to keep you proud of me.

why is it that in every single moment in my life when i feel genuinely happy the next day, it is replaced by the most unimaginable pain possible in the world?

why am i not allowed to feel or experience anything well in my life without the fear of a bad tomorrow?

sometimes, like a foolish little girl i believe that it's the universe itself that refuses to give me my own happiness

that somehow, in all the trillion population in our planet and beyond every single galaxies, it simply gets out of its way to simply add upon my unhappiness

I bet it wouldn't hurt if you replied to my message, Just a simple reaction would do. But it's like you don't even want to talk to me, Maybe you really don't, and maybe that's my message.

It wouldn't kill you to give me a minute of your time, But it did kill my heart, enough to shred it into a million pieces, And now I'm back writing poetries and letters, Because I am not yet smart enough to walk away from a boy like you.

I know you don't love me the same, that's why tonight, I'll try to break away.

The greatest mystery of my life would be that of love. The way other people speak of its magnificence, sweetness and delight would always remain at the back of my mind.

I have loved and I have been loved but I never experienced anything romantic in my life. It's such a beautiful word, a beautiful feeling as per others, but it is something I always miss to meet.

As usual, someone broke my heart and my self-therapy is writing poetries and letters here.

I hope to write in words the feelings I can not say, and I hope it helps you all in different types of ways (hopefully good).

My lover, my gaze is steady and only upon you. A million star shines tonight, but you will always be the brightest one in my night sky. I want to hold you tightly, and love you very.

But you wouldn't let me.

I don't understand why you get so skeptic of the love I proclaim. Are you fearful of my vile past in secret? I understand if so, but my love for you is nothing but pure and true. My past is something I've crawled out of, washed the dirt of, and shrugged off of me. I'm not the same person as I was before.

Love, do you not the trust the words I say or is it me you do not trust? I want to stay here with you, but I feel like a thief who forced her way in somebody's home, failing to steal your heart yet again.

You are the person I want to spend my lifetime with but until this day on, the chains in your door remains and it gives me pain. I've been waiting for so long that I don't even know if you're ever going to come along.

I think even if I wrote an entire songbook or bookshelf full of devotion and warmth, you would still doubt me.

Maybe, you wouldn't even read one of it at all.

Darling, I keep giving you my all while you give me nothing at all. I've been told that if I am loved, I would feel it; I don't feel anything from you, I don't even see love in your glances.

Now, I begin to doubt you the same.

Such questions circle in my mind: "Is there someone else you love?" or "Will I ever be enough?". I just wish you'd talk to me, give me an hour of your day and feel your warmth. Lately, all I do is to sit at home and wait for a ring from my phone which rarely happens.

They say, a woman can not be smarter than a man. If she is then she will nag him to death. She will make a bad wife indeed.

They say, a woman can not talk about politics. It's a complicated matter – she will not understand. Her ears are made for listening, and her mouth for asking.

They say, a woman is too emotional because she cries and complains. Men are already busy enough as it is, why does she add to his stress?

They say, a woman who confesses to a man first is a slut with no dignity. Romantic affections is only a man's job. Women only exist to accept it.

Why were women born in a man's world? In no way do we win and in no way, we can fight back.

Why is it that women have to be ingenues all the time? Why does it lessen her value once they realize she is capable of thinking, and that after all this time, she is not naïve.

A woman's job is not to wait at home while the husband works an eight-hour shift.

A woman does not have to be married to complete herself.

What if women are already complete on their own but are broken into pieces to be fixed?

I don't like it when people ask me why I haven't been because I don't know too. They say, if someone liked you enough then they'd make an effort to be with you but nobody's ever done that with me. Is it just because I'm not good enough to love?

I am always replaced, forgotten, or used but never loved. I've had a man tell me he loved me but left me for another, I've had a love to share each moment with but he left with no goodbyes, and I've had a love who promised me the world, but he told that to another too.

I don't like this feeling. I feel like dying. I want to receive a gift too, I want to be loved, to be someone's official girlfriend. I want to be the girl a man would like to make his wife.

I don't like waiting around, hoping he'd never fall out of love. I want a love that is true, unconditional and unsuspicious.