MuSiClOvEr

“Do you believe in all kinds of love or just the ones you understand?” http://hypem.com/track/2f3h4/Hugh+-+Direction 

 💖🌈💖

Happy Valentine’s Day to all my bbs! 

So I’ve been having a lot of thoughts and feels lately. And I’m writing my second book (don’t tell my publicist that I said this, but I just need to talk about it) and a lot of it involves drudging up all the complicated feelz about life. So that’s just how I’ve been lately. 

AND NOW it’s Valentine’s Day.

Now I know this is a super happy-dappy-lovey-dovey-timey-wimey time or it’s an indulgent-emo-why-am-i-single-fuck-valentine’s-etc-blah-blah time too. But ya know. YA KNOW. I just can’t help but think love is all a little more complicated than just our relationships with a S.O. There is so much MORE LOVE (familial, platonic, self, etc.) that is just as deserving of your attention and concern. 

Anyway, I just needed to vent and be a little frustrated by the current realities that face myself and some of my friends during the dawn/dusk of 29:

1) I spoke with my Dad the other day (first time in a very long while*) and explained to him that we weren’t close because if/when I get married, his anti-gay belief system wouldn’t allow him to attend my wedding or acknowledge my children as his grandchildren. Not because I’m gay. (QUIZ: Which one of these people is making a “choice”?) 2) My best friends are in an interracial couple (black/asian) and have been together for almost 7 years. Now that marriage is becoming a serious topic tensions about race within each of their families is getting out in the open. Especially regarding the realities for their children**. It’s all very messy and blindsiding and we hug and cry about it. 

3) My sister is getting married again. I have feelz. 

4) A couple I know recently broke up over the topic of having children in the unknown future: one of them wants kids, the other doesn’t. They knew this at the onset of their dating, but now years later it’s a make or break issue. I’m so emotionally stunted that I’m like “They never should have dated! Better to have never loved than to ever open yourself to the possibility of being hurt! All decisions are black and white! Let’s all operate in extremes!”

- … and more!

Anyway, there are a lot of realities of love and life and blah blah blah that I’m trying to sort through in my head/heart. And I guess when I look at this list, I can see each argument through the lens of fear or the lens of faith.

1) Fear that without a primal understanding of unconditional love and trust, I’ll never learn how to do it. / Faith that I definitely totally can it just takes time and work. 

2) Fear that the world is stupid and fuckedd!!!!! / Faith that we can make it better. 

3) … I have so many fear/faith/feelz! But this is my sister so I just send her a daily barrage of my thought spirals! Whoops! Sorry, Nomes! Love ya! 

4) Fear that loving equals hurting. / Faith that loving equals healing. 

Anyway, this has been a presentation of my Valentine’s Day Feelz for Realz. I love you guys, and I hope you pay attention to the love in your heart for the things and people that matter (yourself being #1!). 

Love love love looove, Me

*Because now I’m adult-ing and have done a lot of processing and ya know I think I can talk to him without it sending me on a self-destructive spiral. If you have a parent who you love deeply who doesn’t acknowledge your sexuality as a viable genetic truth, then don’t worry about them until you’re ready to. And by “don’t worry about them” I mean go to therapy and get lots of hugs from the people that love you for you. 

1/9 - Lansing, Michigan

1/9 - Austin, Texas

1/9 - Atlanta, Georgia

1/9 - San Francisco, California

1/16 - Berlin, Germany

1/16 - Toronto, Ontario

1/16 - Dallas, Texas

1/17 - Singapore

1/17 - Houston, Texas

1/17 - St. Louis, Missouri

1/23 - Bergen County

1/23 - Lubbock, Texas

1/24 - New York City, New York

1/30 - Seattle, Washington

Thank you City Captains for making these events possible

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