The worm is off the string!

Do not fall for the grindset mentality; jerk off and eat a hot pocket to recover spiritually

You just don't get this on other sites

You have to careful about masturbating to your imagination cause god doesn’t know about imagination so he will assume you are jacking off to whatever is around you like dust, a dead bug, birds nest. And if you jerk off to a poisonous bug (or if god assumes you have) then you do go to hell

i can’t stop thinking about the time my roommate and i asked our insanely ripped neighbor brian who wore flip flops year round and sunglasses on the back of his head for help with carrying a solid wood dresser up to our apartment. he wanted to get his son who was home from college to come help too so he takes out his phone and goes, “siri, call christian christianson” and turns speaker phone on while we stand there sort of stunned by the name and after a few rings cc answers, “what the hell do you want” and brian just hangs up without responding and is all, “kids, am i right” then carries the dresser up four flights of stairs pretty much by himself. we offered him a six pack of rainier as thanks which he immediately opened in our kitchen and downed 2/6 beers in 10 mins while telling us about his 1989 dodge ram 1500 he was trying to get his son to restore with him to no avail. really nice guy. we never saw his son before he went back to school but any time i ask my roommate for help with lifting stuff or reaching something he says, “siri, call christian christianson” and we reminisce about brian and his truck.

not everything is getting worse. at least you don't hear high hopes by panic at the disco every day anymore

they are poisoning us today with a thursday poison little do they know we’ve been through a few thursday poisonings so it won’t kill us just yet

YES I GOOGLED HOW TO TAKE A SCREEN SHOT FIGHT ME 

did you google how to take a screen shot

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Your heart is not true enough to enter the gates of Margaritaville

My heart was heavier than the feather; I am sentenced to Rainforest Cafe

the irredeemable pervert is generally well regarded among their friends for their insightful thoughts and all around pleasant demeanour