sara mcgrath

once i spoke on the phone with a friend and he said “WAIT -- can you TRY to not speak in such a SHRILL manner? it’s HURTING my ears.”

never have i ever felt soft and ALSO heard

in any case

i am going to subsist with my jaunty rhythm of speech 

because that’s how people pay attention to you because you’re funny

and that’s how people pay attention to you because you’re right

tone is everything

take one class

edit: this was in my drafts. not sure when it’s from. i’m glad i don’t feel this way anymore. 

last night i was completely upended by. stranger's words. someone i know nothing about, who knows nothing about me. 

i hate the phrasing "[he/she/you] made me feel bad," because ideally we would all be in control of our emotions and nobody can really make you feel anything.

 the english language is so limiting and so is typing with your thumbs. 

i spent the day feeling like shit, thinking of all the reasons why i am shitty and how i have nothing to say if someone asks me what's new or what i'm up to. i don't feel proud of anything i've done. i've half assed my way through most things. i am afraid that any project i've completed has been driven by the desire to be productive and not to create or express myself. i disappoint myself in many ways. i am lazy and cut corners. 

i feel like i am at the longest red light or that i am trudging through weeds with a dull scythe. i haven't learned anything new in years. 

i feel like i've actually declined in talent since i was a teenager. 

but i have to go on, right? granted, my lows are not as low as they could be. 

maybe due to vanity. how much of ‘going on’ is lying to yourself? 

I hate sleeping because

then I cannot keep improving

I don’t think there’s anything 

the matter with ambition

My betterness or worseness

is not part of the public domain

I’d like to fuck myself so hard

I get pregnant and give birth to me

I’ll say daddy was a bad man

I’ll say mama was his bag man

But I’ll take care of me so good