these words in my head demand to be said

I haven’t been able to stop listening to Panic! at the Disco’s new song “Impossible Year.” I couldn’t help imagine some beautiful, tortured love song beyond the words, so I had to write it down. 

~&~

“There’s no sunshine, this impossible year, only black days and skies grey, and clouds full of fear, and storms full of sorrows that won’t disappear. Just typhoons and monsoons, this impossible year.”

A cold January morning, the first lights of the day an illusion on the horizon. The freezing rain pours down, leaving tear tracks on the window pane. He holds her tight, wrapped in blankets and each other. They don’t say anything — they just remember. 

She remembers: a coffee shop in October, a lifetime ago. Thoughts of school and her future cluttered her mind, her vision, until — he was there, picking her up and never letting her go again. 

He remembers: a coffee shop in October, a lifetime ago. Thoughts of the band, the music, the bills, cluttered his mind, his hearing, until — she was there, calling to him and never letting him go deaf again. 

They remember: October, November, December. They remember: bated breaths, sweet smiles, hopeful hearts. 

They try to forget: the fights, the arguments, the silent nights, the lonely mornings. 

“There’s no good times, this impossible year, just a beachfront of bad blood, a coast that’s unclear.”

She remembers: the beach in November, the rocky shoreline, the rough waves. She remembers his warm arms, his warmer looks, his warmest heart.

He remembers: the beach in November, the sharp wind, attempting — and failing — to steal his breath, for she had already stolen it. He remembers her smile, breaking up the darkest clouds, sending fire straight into his freezing heart. 

They remember: the bike rides, the movie nights, the quiet longing. 

They try to forget: the disapproving looks, the hateful jealousy, the bitter words. 

“All the guests at the party, they’re so insincere. They just intrude and exclude, this impossible year.” 

She remembers: dancing in dresses, in jeans, in pajamas, in nothing at all. She remembers the steps, the motions, what it felt like to be held. 

He remembers: her laugh, her voice her humming. He remembers the notes, the melodies, the harmonies.

They remember the songs, the music, the lyrics. They remember the duets 

They try to forget the missteps, the missed notes, the flat tunes.

“There’s no you and me, this impossible year. Only heartache and heartbreak and gin made of tears. The bitter pill I swallow, the scars souvenir. That tattoo, your last bruise, this impossible year.”

She remembers — she can’t forget — the drinks, each of them drowning her love, drowning him. She remembers pouring the liquid down the drain, only to find him down another. She remembers — though she tries desperately to forget — the bottles: the beer bottles, the whiskey bottles, the pill bottles. 

She remembers bottling up her love.

He can’t remember. Can’t remember her tears, her pleading. He can’t remember the pain of the needle as it traced his love onto, into his skin. He can’t remember. 

He can’t forget her bruises, her misery, her resignation. 

“There’s never air to breathe, there’s no in-betweens, these nightmares always hang on past the dreams.”

She remembers her decision.

She tries to forget October, November, December.

She can’t forget him. 

He remembers her decision. 

He tries to forget the pain. 

He can’t forget his broken heart. 

“There’s no sunshine. There’s no you and me. There’s no sunshine: This impossible year.”

She remembers him.

He can’t forget her. 

—Lyrics and song: “Impossible Year” by Panic! at the Disco (X)

It’s a fantasy series, btw.

The Winner’s Curse by Marie Rutkoski

Rating: 4/5 Reading level: Young Adult

Synopsis: “As a General’s daughter in a vast empire that revels in war and enslaves those in conquers, seventeen-year-old Kestrel has two choices: she can join the military or get married. But Kestrel has other intentions.       One day, she is startled to find a kindred spirit in a young slave up for auction. Arin’s eyes seem to defy everything and everyone. Following her instinct, Kestrel buys him— with unexpected consequences. It’s not long before she has to hide her growing love for Arin. But he, too, has a secret, and Kestrel quickly learns that the price she paid for a fellow human is much higher than she ever could have imagined.       Set in a richly imagined new world, The Winner’s Curse is a story of deadly games where everything is at stake, and the gamble is whether you will keep your head or lose your heart.” —Book sleeve synopsis

Personal review: I am finally out of my rereading rut! And The Winner’s Curse was a great book to break that cycle. I started it around 3 p.m. and had it finished by midnight. A respectable size at 355 pages, TWC really was a page turner. I was initially tentative based on the synopsis, fearing that it would just be some ditzy lead heroine faced with the woes of getting married. But it was nothing like that. I really loved Kestrel’s apparent apathy. She never spent time lamenting her situation outside of expressing frustration. She questioned society’s rules openly without seeming high and mighty. I especially respected her quiet intelligence.        I’m used to heroines who are bad ass fighters with swords, daggers or bow and arrows. And don’t get me wrong, I love those gals. But Kestrel was openly poor at weaponry. Instead, she relied on her strategist’s mind, which was really interesting to see how it came through during the entirety of the book.        Arin, too, was a more complex character than I was expecting. I was preparing for a openly resentful, one dimension character who spent the whole time bitching. And again, you know I love my mouthy boys. But I found that I enjoyed his transition from a quietly cunning and masterful person into a leader.       But the number one thing that really kept me turning the pages with no regard to passing time was the pacing. Rutkoski does a great job of making sure that just as one event ends, another is on the horizon. Just when I started to bore of one scene, it was ending or changing in a dramatic (but not comically so) manner. It was great how even after only 20 minutes of being done with the book, I was remembering parts and being like “oh yeah! That happened and it was awesome!”      Rutkoski was able to successfully world-build (this is a fantasy novel) while simultaneously bringing the reader through the storyline without drowning us in an overflow of information and boring history. It really was well written.      My only criticism would be that there were certainly some parts that needed to be fleshed out. While brevity does a good job of moving the reader through the story, it also means that some passages that really should have had more attention brought to them were lacking.       I would recommend The Winner’s Curse to readers who enjoyed The Selection by Kiera Cass, Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Maas or Graceling by Kristin Cashore (who actually reviewed TWC).

I know that I’ve been really quiet on this blog lately, and for that, I am sorry.

I have been been doing some writing, which is great, unfortunately it’s writing that I am seriously looking at publishing one day, so I’m hanging onto it until I really get the opportunity to work very hard on it, and make sure it’s something I’m proud of/won’t change after reading it after a week has passed.

That being said, I am also trying to up my reading because all the best writers are also the best readers, so if you’re interested in keeping up with what I’m reading and what I thought of it, then you should consider following my book review blog, shouldireadthisbook. And who knows? You may even find your new favorite book!

Thanks for all your support!

As the release date for 50 Shades of Grey draws closer, my blood starts to boil just a little bit more. 

Why? Because the media is spinning this story into a sexy ideal of romance that should in no way be idolized because it’s abuse. The relationship between Anastasia and Christian is 100% abusive…Christian Grey is manipulative and controlling, and in their sexual encounters, he purposely ignores safe words and consensual sex. 

And people are going to eat it up as romance. 

It sickens me that impressionable young women will go see this movie and think that it’s something to admire, that this is what romance and love is like. It disgusts me that people who are already in abusive relationships and who may not realize it, will see this movie and then their abuser will later use that as an excuse for their abusive behavior. (“But you saw the movie, that’s how love is”). 

And it’s not at all. Love should never be manipulating or threatening. If kinky sex is what you’re into, then by all means please enjoy yourself, but also know that if your partner says a safe word, they’re saying it for a reason. And—I can’t stress this enough—if a partner expresses that they do not wish to have sex, or do any sexual act, RESPECT WHAT THEY’VE SAID. Just because someone has consented to sex before does not mean that they always will, because every sexual encounter is different. It is their body, so they make the rules. 

Let me say that again just in case you didn’t understand.

It’s their body, so they make the rules. 

Just because someone is in a relationship doesn’t mean that one person is in control of the other. Love, true love, is given freely and with a great sense of acceptance and understanding. 

January 3, 1:55am

Hi guys! 

A huge part of a writer’s life is reading. And I think we all have that ONE book series that has a huge portion of our hearts. For some of us, that book series is continuing. For others, that book series ended long ago. For me, it ended today as I closed the cover on Blood of Olympus, the final book in the Percy Jackson/Heroes of Olympus series.  So this one’s for you, Seaweed Brain.

I am a feminist, and very proud of this fact. But I came to realize that I haven’t always been one, and that childhood is perhaps the most important time to instill a sense of female empowerment among women. When I was little, I had a very active imagination. I would play games like Princess, school, office all the time. I played house and various other games of make believe. None of this seems inherently wrong until you look closer at the roles I PURPOSEFULLY put myself in during these games. When I played Princesses, I was always a damsel in distress, waiting for Prince Charming to come and save me. When I played school, I was the teacher who took orders from the Principal, Mr. So and So. When I played office, I was the secretary, answering calls and running errands for my boss, Mr. So and So. Looking back on it, in nearly every single game I played, I was always in a subservient role, working for the man. And I chose, willingly and gladly, to play these roles, and serve imaginary MEN. Now then, I’m not coming down on women who have made decisions to be these people in real life. Part of my beliefs as a feminist lie in that women deserve the right to work in whatever position they choose to— be that a stay-at-home mom or a CEO— without facing any judgement one way or another. And I don’t regret the fun I had playing these roles in my imagination back then. I enjoyed my self and was happy. But I’d like to believe that that happiness stemmed from a place of ignorance. Ignorance in that I didn’t KNOW women could be the boss. I was (and am) certainly ambitious (ambitious, not bossy, by the way) enough to have probably chosen those roles instead. But the fact remains that through either explicit or subtle social cues, all I knew was that girls were always the servants. Always the helpers. Anyone who knows me today knows that all the roles I played back then are the opposite of what I want for myself now. So it’s crucial that we expose young girls to powerful female role models.  We need more female pirate captains. More female Barneys. More female characters who have the same influence as characters like Mickey Mouse. More female characters having adventures and being in charge. Because while it’s great that feminism is growing and spreading its message, it will all be for nothing if we can’t convince young princesses to save her prince instead.