DANA HOWLINGS

Why can't you keep a ball gown in a car? Plenty of space back there, lots of air, but people would call you crazy.

Maybe I should just put this in someone's clammy hands.

Do you know where you are?…I'm going to call for counseling to help you on that one.

Why not extend your steering wheel to the back seat where there's lots of leg room and put your dog in the front?

Everybody thinks they can be Lord What's-His-Name, who by the way was broke, but no one remembers that.

Take a feng shui chart and put it over a suburban house. Deep trouble.

'Take a deep breath and exhale. Love, Dove™.' That's pathetic.

That old Maoist. May he rest in peace—or not. I don't know if you know anything about Sartre, but I don't miss him.

There's God, there's Jesus, and there's Alan Greenspan. And there's a fourth guy, but never mind him.

Joyce Carol Oates! Not a serial killer, but a total weirdo nonetheless. I had a friend who liked her. She was also a complete weirdo. You need to know that.

Ooh, chocolate. Want a hit?

Serial killer - strand, strand, strand. Get it?

'Hi, I'm Jennifer. What is your question?' My question is, where is the human that can answer my question?

Shit.

I know Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton were real people because I went to this thing in Washington once.

I think it's great that my friend in California and I can pretend to send pictures to each other over the internet, but the whole time I know that there's a wizard behind the curtain.

When I was a school girl, I did this huge project on Iceland. I talked all about Iceland - the geography, the people, everything. But the whole time, I had no idea if it was even real. I did this whole big thing and still wasn't convinced.