To find adventure

I’m back after a two year hiatus and let’s just jump straight in and say I’ve got depression. 

I’ve had it for three years, and it’s progressively gotten worse through time. It started off as just feeling generally down, to wanting to vanish, to dangerous thoughts... and the rest snowballed from there. On good days, I am absolutely fine. Happy as Larry - I dress well, always got a smile on, always having a laugh and adore being around people. It’s not until behind closed doors or something triggers me, then I turn into a time-bomb. What will happen next? When will I blow? Who will have to suffer because of my own self-destruction? 

Usually I just pack my bags and run. Being military, I’ve changed locations every year for the past three years. It started off in Oxfordshire - I felt bad, so I ran to Scotland. Got to Scotland, still felt bad so ran even further to Cyprus (my current location). For the first few months here I was going good; I loved the beaches, the work and the new mates I’d been making. Depression, however, doesn’t take into account your location.

One night a few months ago I flipped hard. I couldn’t sleep until 5am, I was up for work at 6am. I was emotionally drained. I spoke to my colleague that morning and explained bits to her, which then lead me onto seeing the doctor that day. I started a week’s worth of Zopiclone, then I was to see the mental health team and start on my antidepressants.

Week one of my meds went fine. I was experiencing the normal symptoms: mood swings galore and upset stomach for a few days, Nothing major about my behaviour or mood changed. Then that weekend I had another episode and started acting on my bad thoughts. I felt good at the time, but frustrated and tired because I didn’t have the physical strength to carry out with it completely (I’ve lost 8kg of muscle over the past 6 months and now bear nothing but bones wrapped in flesh). 

Week two on meds. Similar symptoms, I knew what I was looking out for and how to cope. I knew if I needed ten minutes out of life, or when I needed a distraction from my mood swings. I would text my friend, he’d pick me up and drive me half an hour to Starbucks where we would sit in silence for an hour. We’d make some small talk, but all I needed was to talk about saying nothing. We used it as a cheap therapy in between my appointments. Still, wasn’t enough. Another weekend in and I was doing more bad things to myself. I was angry, frustrated and just wanted to vanish. If I was able to go up in a ball of smoke and drift away, I’d have taken the chance. 

I’m now a month or so into my meds. I’ve been increased to a higher dose, and on my bad days I’m taking the maximum dose allowed. I had another flip the other day, but instead of letting my dark feelings hurt myself, I channelled them into actively trying to destroy my friend’s relationship. They have a mortgage, dog and car together - but luckily it backfired and they’re fine. 

This weekend just gone I deleted my father from my life. Blocked his number, blocked his Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram. I’m still finding other medias where he’s there, but I’m working through it. We don’t have a relationship anymore, and right now I know I need to work on what keeps me safe and how to cope with being a normal, functioning adult. He’s the initial reason for my three or so years of feeling depressed, and it’s only snowballed from there. I can’t blame him for everything, as if I started the treatment sooner I wouldn’t have been as ill as I am now. 

In short, I just wanted to use this post to document what was on my mind. I find it tricky speaking to my family and friends - I don’t want them knowing or worrying, and I want to try to get through this myself. I’m hopeful though, that one day I’ll get out of this rut and be the guy I was few years ago - when I was never unhappy, I adored life and had a head full of dreams.