Autophobia

Well, I can say that I tried my hardest to work for you but when I felt you letting go awhile ago I decided to take the emergency hatch out and reinforce the walls on the next ship. This time there won’t be an intruder.

I know I’m going to lose you today. The writing has been on the wall. I don’t want to, I can’t lose you. But I know I haven’t been everything you wanted. So I guess it’s my fault

Even when I’m surrounded by love ones I still feel alone

I’m at my end

And so I got deeper and deeper into my depression, I feel lost and confused with no purpose or direction. I feel like I lost to many people and there is no way to going back to what it was. I feel like a failure to my family and friends. But most importantly I feel like I’m a failure to you. I put my time and energy and being everyone you could ever want yet every jump I take feels like a slip and fall. I feel like we are going to reach a point where the volcano will explode and our ever longing love will die. That’s the point I fear the most. That’s the point that brought me to my sleepless nights. I can’t stop the nightmares I can’t control my head. I’m so far gone that I feel I’m already dead

Honestly I feel lost.

Well I’m back and alone. More alone then ever, I fear the sound of silence yet these days are it’s so comforting. Maybe it’s my autophobia talking but being alone is so welcoming. The idea that if I die to dead I don’t have to worry about upsetting anyone. It’s relaxing

I’m lost without you, but sometimes you got to let go of something you love. I will miss you.

I feel so lost. I’m sorry for everything. You can blame me for everything.

If she only know of this place she would know my tru pain that sits in my head.

She hurts and so do I.

Why is it when I needed someone no one is there. But when I fix myself everyone comes around?