one way trigger

Have not been on this in what feels like forever. And surely there is a good reason behind it. I don’t care for this website anymore since I have very much grown out of it, but I’m here now because I needed a place to put down my thoughts that will be stored and I’ll be able to look back on, but as for doing the whole tumblr/ reblogging thing, that’s not what this is for anymore. It’s to my own benefit that I write my thoughts down here. To get to the point, I’m in a very unsettling, not-so-happy, place right now. The love of my life gives me everything I could ever imagine and still I’m here having a hard time being without him. It’s hard. My heart hurts. I feel as weak as I’ve ever been. This isn’t what  love is meant to be like and I like to tell myself that I AM getting better and this is all a learning experience but I simply am having the hardest time with this. When we are together, everything is perfect. Better than perfect. I am the happiest I am with him and he makes me feel whole... Makes me forget whatever is troubling me in school, makes me feel okay. The feeling in indescribable. He does everything that he can to keep me happy but it is myself that tortures my mind, overthinking to the point where I’m breathing heavily, my anxiety getting the best of me. I WANT to be okay. He deserves someone who is secure and happy all the time, not someone who constantly misses him when we’re apart. All of my problems are conjured up in my own brain. The struggle of being attached. This is something much bigger. I want to be independent, and I always told myself to NEVER rely on someone for happiness. It has ALWAYS been that way. I never understood how someone could let their loved one consume their lives yet her I am, hypocrisy working it’s dark magic on me. I hope that one day I will able to look back on moments like these where everything has fallen in to place. I need to learn to deal with this in a better way because my efforts so far have me feeling stationary. Stagnant, a truly shitty feeling. It’s almost like I’m back at square one, a different predicament this time. I’ve gotten to where I want to be and now I have new obstacles that have followed, ones that I did not expect when everything was rainbows and sunshine. It’s been a journey for the past 2 years and I suppose this is just another obstacle to overcome. I feel so vulnerable typing all of this out because for once my feelings are written in words. Nobody checks this shit anymore anyways right? I remember I used to go on this every day... Good times haha. Anyways, that’s all for now. Hope whoever’s reading this, if anyone will, is doing well.