✤ ─ superficial with a rotten soul

Now that I'm feeling better (and high on an overdose of caffeine) could someone perhaps fill me in on what I missed this past week? And please don't tell me to just read the Muckraker, because we all know that's not exactly a reliable source.

I feel so out of the loop with gossip also - not like me at all. If you get anything juicy, let me know.

"This part of you that says you're no good... That's screaming at you. What is it saying? What is it claiming that you are? Because to me, you're nothing but goodness. Sure, you make me wanna do my head in sometimes." She stated with a slight chuckle, gingerly reaching up to dry his cheek with her thumb. "But you're funny, and kind. You're passionate about things, and those you care about. You're a huge ass dork, and despite the fact that you're scared about certain things, you still face them. That's brave as hell, and you're not giving yourself enough credit."

Mercedes took a step closer to him, their bodies brushing. "I'm not saying we need to be official, but let me help you see yourself the way I do. You owe yourself at least that, Cody."

He leaned his head into her touch, a soft smile forming and a chuckle falling softly at the mention of him doing her head in. Which was fair. He absolutely did his own head in as well. This was the first time he had ever been open with someone truly about the feelings and thoughts that occupied his brain daily. "I.." He sighed. Annoyance turned in his stomach at how hard it was for him to form the words he wanted to say. "I've had this voice all my life so, please, don't think it's got anything to do with you. It's just.. it's like there's a part of me which never allows me to be happy, and I'm filled with torment of a darkness." Cody stopped. His eyes examining Mercedes, her facial reactions, her body language. To see if there was any sign of her wanting to run, because he'd get it. As much as he didn't want that to happen. "I know I probably need to look into therapy or something. I've just never really admitted it out loud before."

As Mercedes came closer, Cody pushed her hair back behind her ear, his thumb tracing down the side of her neck. "I want you, Mercedes. I've wanted you from the moment I saw you. The only reason I ever walked away is that I wanted you so badly I couldn't bare what you'd think of me if I was open about everything that I feel on the inside."

Not to get sappy or anything but ur definitely the friend that is a safe space.

I feel the overwhelming urge to, I dunno, noogie you or something, but I’m not. Because adults.

Glad to oblige, though. Anytime, anywhere, anyplace, I got you.

I got you as well, Nickaroo. How's things been going?

Yet, his words confused her further. He wanted her, but he didn't. He was scared to let her in.

Three short steps forward and she was closer to him than she had been since entering his room. The vulnerability on his features har her heart clenching and a fresh batch of tears rolling down her cheeks. "You don't get to decide what's fair for me, Cody. Only I can." she began, voice shaky.

How could she assure him that she was his, that him pushing her away wouldn't change that. That she would always love him no matter the void, or the darkness. "You know what love is, Cody?" She let out, tentatively reaching out to put her hand on his.

"It's a choice, an active choice to love someone. Not in spite of their flaws, or their darkness, or voids. It's to love them with those in mind. To tend to them, to take care of them." She licked her lips and glanced at her hand on his.

"We could be amazing if you only let me in. i want to love every part of you. I know it's scary. It's fucking terrifying to be vulnerable, but you owe it to yourself to at least try. Why punish yourself and deny yourself something that makes you happy?"

To be with Mercedes meant exposing everything that he liked to hide from the world. Cody had always danced with a darkness inside him for years on end now. He didn't know where it came from, but it began to show it's impact when he was a teenager. And it stopped him from ever feeling truly happy, no matter what he chased after in life.

"I don't," he replied softly to her question, somewhat ashamed. Sure he knew love - he felt it in the way he treated his friends, his grandmother, his brother, his work. But to be in love? That was a foreign concept to him. And at his own fault. He had pushed every person away previously who tried to connect with him in that way. A part of him, his inner child, blamed his parents for that. For having a loveless relationship full of arguing and conflict. He'd be damned if he ever found himself in a relationship like that, so he never tried to begin with.

As Mercedes spoke, a tear from his eye dropped down leaving a wet outline on his cheek. She was right. He did punish himself, day in and day out he punished himself. And for no reason as well other than he just didn't think he was deserving for anything good, so whenever something good came along he destroyed it. He didn't want to destroy Mercedes.

"I'm trying," Cody finally spoke, his voice cracking. "I don't know how to navigate this, Mercedes. A part of my brain knows I'm safe with you but the other, overpowering part is screaming that I'm no good, that I need to get as far away from you as possible so you don't need to deal with everything I am. I'm trying to separate the damaging voice from the reality of who I am but I'm worried I can't."

Her body practically ached to step forward, to take his face in her hands and make him look her in the eye. So that he could see that she was his. That she always would be, but Cody was scared. Mercedes wasn't dumb enough to ignore that, or put her own emotions to the forefront.

"I didn't mean it like that., I meant it in terms of you and I not being together." She replied finally, shaking her head a little. Mercedes took a step back, fingers biting into her flesh beneath the fabric of her sweater. "I will always be yours. Even when you're icing me out, or when you're sleeping with other people." Her voice wavered and she realized tears had sprung into her eyes.

"I've been yours since we first met, Cody. I wouldn't be here if I didn't ca- No." Quickly, she covered her face, taking a moment to breathe. If she was going to lose him, really lose him. She might as well tell him the truth. Lay it bare, despite the fact that she felt that he knew. Even if it was subconciously.

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't love you, if I wasn't in love with you. Being away from you wouldn't hurt as much if my feelings were less." Her hands dropped and her gaze settled on his countenance. "You don't have to say it back, I'm not expecting you to. Hell, I don't even think you feel the same - which is fine... I just need you to know that despite the fucking pain that this past week has brought me, that I'm here because I'm fighting for you. For us - whatever 'us' is. I always will."

"You don't think I feel the same?" He questioned, his lips trembling with the words of truth. "Don't you think that I've been driving myself crazy since we got home? I've not had a minutes piece from the indecisive battles in my head that no amount of sleep, or alcohol, or flirting with other people can quieten. Fuck, it is so fucking irritating that I can't block you out, Cedes. No matter what I do, you are at the core of my soul."

The words spoken was the first time he had openly admitted his feelings to someone out loud, it was the first time he had admitted to himself that his feelings for Mercedes were deeper than he ever made out. And it was terrifying. Especially when he believed that he was no good for her. That the mess of his thoughts and his own life was too much to handle, and that he could never let anyone be victim to his own ways when he couldn't understand himself at times.

"You don't want to love me, Cedes. I'm a mess. I have this.." He stopped, trying to look for the word to perfectly portray the darkness he felt inside him. That he had always felt but was more present in his every day life these days. "I have this void inside of me. It's not fair for you to have to deal with that, to deal with me. It's not what you want or need. And I think you just need to learn that I'm probably not the guy you think you're in love with."

Her fingers cluched tightly to the fabric of her sweater, needing to hold onto something to ground herself. She wasn't ready for the conversation they were about to have. Not because she was afraid of what her emotions were, but because of what his were. Cody cared for her, that much was evident. Otherwise he wouldn't have gone through so much hassle on the night they went out. Nor would the kiss have affected him so much.

'But I can't do what I want can I?' she thought to herself. The one time she did, it had hurt him, and hurt her. The kiss hadn't meant anything, and yet it had thrown a wrench between the two of them. "Was it the kiss itself, or the idea that I might not be yours anymore?" She questioned, her voice small.

"Becuase I'm gonna be honest with you, the way that kiss made you feel, is how I feel when I see you flirting with other people Cody. It fucks me up every damn time, but I bite my tongue because we're not together." She paused then, looking up at him. "I'm not saying any of this to guilt you into something 'cause we both know you're not ready for that. I just... I need you to know that I understand where you're at, how confusing it is."

"If you're not mine then what exactly are we doing here? If this is your way of admitting you're finally over me then why are we even bothering with this? Cause realistically if you're over me like you're hinting then we don't need to have this conversation and we can go back to just kissing whoever the fuck we want?" He said calmly, refusing to allow any hint of emotion to be expressed in his face or body language.

The way the conversation was going wasn't how he had planned their encounter to go. Heck, texting with Frannie earlier actually made him think about coming clean about how he was truly feeling towards Mercedes. That he couldn't picture himself getting with anyone else. Something that had never been felt before. But with what Mercedes said about not being his anymore, the want to do so left within milliseconds.

"But if that's how you're feeling and you're not mine, you also coulda let me know before or on Spring Break, or did you feel it before then? Cause you certainly didn't seem to be over me when we came back here and spent that night together."

The air between them was stagnant for once. It wasn't as charged as it normally was, and it caused her stomach to flip. Mercedes was used to there being an underlying tension between them that was palpable, but that was gone. She pursed her lips and nodded slowly, taking in what he'd said.

"I'm sorry too." She let out softly, brown eyes falling to her feet. "I-" Her mouth closed, as did her eyes. "I just gotta know why. I get that I kissed someone but I didn't think you -" her words failed her again and she let out a loud breath, her brown eyes rising to rest on him once more.

Maybe if she cared for him less it would be easier to talk about.

The flashback gushed it's way through Cody's mind. He was suddenly back in Mexico. Watching the kiss happen again. The reliving of it made him wince. He'd spent the last few days sitting. Pondering. Trying to figure out why he reacted in such a negative way when he had been doing the exact same.

"I don't know, Cedes." He finally broke the silence. His eyes dropped to the floor as he battled an intense feeling of shame. You could sit Cody down in a spare room and he'd find conversation somehow. He could talk the ears off anyone and everyone. People hating him for how often he speaks. But here he was. Speechless. Unable to fully explain how exactly he was feeling.

"You can do what you want. I don't want you thinking you can't," Cody said further. A sigh collapsed his posture. He went from a confident stance to a somewhat submissive posture. "I'm trying to be open with everything that I'm feeling right now. I'm sorry. It's like a constant," he paused, his hands now motioning circles. "I feel like I'm constantly just trying to figure out what I'm thinking and everything is 100mph. And it's just hard." His hands were shaking from trying to voice how he was feeling. "I just think the kiss took me off guard."