A

I would—

to let the agony of burdens I feel

burn—

burn with my body,

my anxiety,

my never-ending thoughts,

my pain.

But it seems it’s not mine to decide either.

When I laugh, when I cry. When I decide to suppress it all inside.

I am overwhelmed, overburdened. Vulnerable, sick, and not myself.

I feel like I am drowning. With no swimming skills.

Legs and hands becoming stone. Gravity pulling me down.

Piercing pain in my chest. Loud screaming muffled.

No one miles around to help me out. No one to hear me scream.

Urge to give in and disappear. Be one with the vast blue.

But seeing light at the end and crying being unable to reach through.

So many aspirations to fulfill

So many dreams to achieve

So much love and hate to experience

So much art to witness

From how insignificant you are in front of the vast universe and its never-ending mysteries. To how impactful you are in each person's life you have been in.

How you are born and you will eventually die yet living as if it doesn’t matter.

And I find peace in contradictions.

It almost is a relief to know they exist.

It eases my mind knowing that life isn't black and white, it's always rather grey.

That I don't have to make extreme decisions between things, I can find harmony if I look closely enough.

Everything about relationships.

I hate love too.

Maybe I have started hating love that's not romantic as well.

Maybe, slowly, I am starting to hate everything to do human bonding.

But especially romance.

And the perception that I have made of it as an fully functioning mature adult, I don't think I will ever be able to change it.

When you see love being so unconditionally happening, it makes your heart break into pieces because you have never felt that feeling.

When someone so warmly smiles at life, genuinely thanking life, that you feel as if you're choking inside.

When someone laughs and it makes you feel as if you could die any moment.