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dani and jamie lockscreens

Every love story is a ghost story.

― David Foster Wallace, "The Pale King”

I could have been anyone’s ghost,

but I wanted to be yours.

I had to be yours.

― Caitlyn Siehl, from “Haunting,” What We Buried

What is a ghost, after all, but a repressed memory, the past demanding to be heard in the present? 

― Alfred Mac Adam, Introduction of Jane Austen’s Northanger Abbey

Spinning like a ghost on the bottom of a top, i’m haunted by all the space that i will live without you.

― Richard Brautigan; “Boo, Forever”

Where is your ghost when I need it?

I was talking to a close friend yesterday and she told me she found the show inconsistent and flat, especially the last episode she didn't like at all (the last ep is my favorite). She liked Dani and Jamie as characters but thought their love story didn't serve the plot. She wasn't moved at all by any of the episodes actually, or any of the characters, and felt like the themes were badly used. She said nothing came together.

She didn't see how pain makes you feel lonely, how you deal with the ghosts from your past all by yourself. You don't come together. You fall apart. Until you meet people who understand, people who don't mix love and possession, people who are just there, people who love you and people you're ready to love despite the hurt.

She didn't understand how comforting it is to have two women loving each other with such tenderness and respect and support. Because she never needed that, she grew up with all the straight role models she wanted.

When she criticized the show, especially Dani and Jamie's love story, it hurt. It's just a show you might say. Just two characters. But it's so much more than that for me.

It's hope.

We have Dani. She told Miles about her father dying when she was young and her mother not being a good one. We can see how she was then so anxious to please Edmund's mother, because she probably saw a better mother figure in her than her own while growing up. Therefore, she was unable to be honest with her. So scared of losing the affection, of not being liked. Plus, she's desperate to save other children and let it eat her when she realizes she can't save them all. So maybe just two. Maybe she could make a difference for two. Adult Dani developped a savior complex and a deep fear of people not liking her true self.

We have Jamie. Her father never there, her mother playing more than taking care of, then her mother leaving, and Jamie herself becoming the child trying to take care of a child, her little brother, but no succeeding. And then foster care, families that weren't good. Adult Jamie cannot trust people anymore, she's afraid of being hurt, of losing them, because people disappoint, always.

We have Peter. Probably sexually abused by his father, and his mother never helped him even though she knew. Adult Peter has become his father in a way: he takes control over Miles' body without his consent, he's violent with Rebecca, is manipulative and so on. Cycles.

We have Flora and Miles. They've been "tucked away", their bodies stolen from them, sometimes without their consent (which couldn't be real anyway because they're kids who just wanted to relive memories of their dead parents). Plus all the lies, all the secrets, all the ghost related stuff, and even their uncle leaving them. Adult Flora and Miles forgot all of it. Because it was too much to carry. Their minds protected them.

There isn't one way to grow up after dealing with child abuse. Sometimes you try to please and help so hard. Sometimes you isolate yourself from others. Sometimes you become the abuser. Sometimes you forget to protect yourself. And the list goes on.

But what I love with the show is that there is still hope. Only Peter repeated the abuse on others, it's not a fatality. Dani opened up to Jamie. Jamie loved Dani and didn't push her away. Flora and Miles went on living their lives.