AlzenaWrites

It's been weeks since I last posted here...

I have been on vacation at my homeland for 2 weeks though. I was very relax and happy there. I felt more safe there than being in the city. Yet here I am, back again.

The first thing that I want to discuss is how unwelcoming return has been in this city.

I mean, if only I did not come back. If only I decided not to be back, I would have not felt this way now. I just plainly hate it here.

The only thing that made me come back here is my studies. That's it. I've been back here for a week now and nothing eases my anxiety. Everyday and everyone makes me anxious and uncomfortable. I feel like an outcast, of some sort. I just want to disappear. I just want to be back in my homeland, with all possible reason on hand.

Not to mention that I am uncomfortable living with my dad anymore. Ever since he had told me and my sister that he's been dating someone again. Knowing it's not even half passed the year since my mom died. I hate him. I hate this city, too.

I hate everything about this city. The memories. The people I used to know. The places that reminded me of my trauma. I just HATE IT HERE.

All I want now is to run far away from these people and this city.

I have been so silent with the family I have. None of the friends I had back then, knows what exactly the relationship we have in the "family." Maybe they thought I came from a happy and complete one. Maybe they thought I am one of the luckiest people to ever have a mother and father with me. But just like any other broken affairs, my family is one.

I was born with a mother and a father witnessing my growth. Living together with them. Waking up with them inside the house. Just like all normal and complete families do. Little did anybody know that we were merely acting up to be one. We do bare minimums. All we do is pretend that we do give a damn about anything about each other's business. It was all about seemingly but never the real family.

I mean, if people will come to me and ask why I think that way I would literally say that is because I was born inside that firm, so I know. My dad was never in love with my mom, while mom did love him a little. My dad cheated more than thrice. I witnessed every single one. Was it traumatizing? Yes. What can I do? I was merely a school-aged at the time it started. My mom was too martyr, but never forgiving. She thought letting him pass it would fix or change him. Nothing happened, even then. After all, it is his choice to cheat and live unfaithful to his family.

They were never married. Given the fact that they have two kids and they live together, they are considered illegitimate partners. BUT that does not give him the moral right to become unfaithful.

Aside from that, my dad never treated me like a girl. When he's mad, he tend to hit me. He curses at me. He'd thrown hard objects to me. Whilst, my mom used to call me ungrateful arrogant brat for achieving things on my own. She hits me, too. She curses at me telling me I should have not lived - that she should've killed me, even before.

I did nothing. That was what I was told.

Growing in an Asian household, speaking up for yourself is a mortal sin. Defending yourself as a kid is a grave sin and is considered immoral - by them.

So what do you expect me to call this a family? Dad? I am grateful for some of the support, but I completely despise him.

Mom? I am very much thankful for the efforts, but I am fiercely disappointed in her.

The 'family' that they think I have was never a 'family' that I consider.

We were never a family, and never will be. My mom's gone, and my dad's going on with his life - forgetting that he ever has kids.

Now that I am an adult, I plan to leave them behind. I am finding my way. I am plotting for myself. 2 decades was too much enough for me to suffer from all of these.

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How would you feel if you think you were not served with a fair justice?

Hi! This is a story about my first heartbreak as a teenager.

Falling in love with a boy at the age of 16 is something I thought I would cherish for the rest of my life. I was wrong. I thought I would be able to tell the world a good romantic-relationship I had when I was a teenager. I was wrong, again.

I got cheated on by my partner. I got betrayed by a friend. I was put into mud suck blaming. I got called named-names and some even hoped for my disappearance.

I thought I'm over it. I thought I am healing. I thought I am moving forward.

Just when I thought I am going okay, the nightmare started appearing again. Covering my whole world with dark and shallow holes. I am finding it hard to breathe. I am barely hanging on.

I want to tell the world, especially my friends, that I am still here. I am still stuck in the same bad dreams. I believe I only got an apology letter, and not the apology I DESERVE.

Seeing the people who caused me so much damage get sympathies from people, I could never accept the letter to my heart – even today.

They are excelling and they're becoming popular. They are happily moving forward together with the people who never stopped supporting them – even after knowing what those people caused me.

Here I am, still looking for the broken pieces of me. Here I am, watching my life slip away like a spec of dust on a rusty metal.

Out of all, why can't I move forward?

Am I the one who's been holding myself back? Or are they still holding me back to not move forward?

Is it my fault that I got cheated on? Is it my fault that I got blamed for the things I didn't do? Is it my fault that the pain in my feelings never seemed to go away?

I am going to ask you once again...

It just doesn't seem right how people tell you to be okay, when it is not the time to be okay.

It just looked a little cunning how people tell you what and when to feel on certain things; when feelings are part of you as a human.

Just like how humans have ever believed that love are like things.

They believe that perfect love affairs are like shiny and luxurious marbles,

Whilst believing that broken love connections are like shattered glasses.

...

I used to believe that love can make a way to change every little bad things that ever happened to you into a good one.

But then, just right when I felt my moment stopped after being cheated on, I halted myself from believing in the thought again.

After gaining some time for myself, I realized that I was a fool to ever believe in love.

But then, something had made me believe that I wasn't a fool, and that I was just looking at the wrong perspective of loving and being loved.

So I believed in it - love - again. Not just the typical love matching but a friends to lovers relationship, where they ended up marrying each other.

Ever since I believed in that kind of love, I never stopped dreaming and wanting to get the love I think I deserve.

Until I reached the point where the world has literally stopped me from daydreaming.

Until it hit me and made me realize that things aren't meant to change, but we, humans, have to.

One of the most important lessons I have learned was not easy for me to accept:

It is not the things that changes; it is us, humans, who have to be the change.

...

When I was young, I actually believed that humans are full of love.

But then, again, I admit I was wrong because humans lack of love in any way anyone could ever think.

It is not the broken love that is like a shattered glass.

It is us who are like shattered glasses - wanting to be mended and fixed when we can be as we are.

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Afterthought:

Here to remind you that you that it is not you who needs fixing or mending, it is you who needs acceptance of yourself. I hope you find peace in the brokenness and enlightenment in the relapses.

I was born female, I am a she. I never thought I would come to a point in my life where I would always question my existence. I have this train of thoughts in my mind that doesn't seem so right with the belief that people insinuates to me. Then I came to the point where I had my heart broken that I questioned myself more than my capabilities, but also to how I am as a person with a sexual identity.

I used to believe that I can do things most teenagers do like sex, but I couldn't. I always wondered why my ex searched for somebody else during our relationship. I told him that my relationship with him is all about the connection that we have built from the very start. I got so confused when I found out that he was having sex with my friend, because I didn't do it with him nor with anyone. I was heartbroken for 2 years after breaking up with him, and it made me realize that maybe it was supposed to be like that.

The one great heartbreak made me realize all the connections I had with the people I loved and the people I keep loving. I learned that maybe my sexual identity is not about sexual attraction, instead it's all about the emotional connection. I come to my sense that what I want in a relationship is something that we can share for a long time, even not being sexually active. I want the warmth of presence, and not the heat of the peak of sexual desires. -------------------------------------------------------------------------