just a girl tryna find her place in the world;

i really don’t know. i’m sitting here crying my eyes out. trying to be positive. trying to be productive. trying to binge watch my show. trying to plan out our trip to disney for next year. but instead, i’m crying my eyes out because it feels like everything is falling apart. this break has sucked. i did nothing but sit at home for most of my break. i’ve barely seen ryan because he has been working. i feel like he barely talks to me anymore. like he barely cares about me. like he doesn’t want to bother with me anymore.

all i think about is how i want to live in a cute apartment together. how i want to come home from work to cuddle on the couch after a long day. how i want to go to disney and have the best time ever. how i want for him to get down on one knee (preferably in disney world) and ask me to be his wife. how i want to plan a beautiful wedding and get married and go on a romantic honeymoon with him. how i want to make passionate love and conceive our first baby. how i want to go through nine months (four times) of back pain, gaining weight, being sick and hating my body more and more to bring our four beautiful babies into the world. how i want to be the cutest parents the world has ever seen. how i want to raise our babies to be the sweetest. smartest. most loving kids ever. i want all these beautiful things with him. i want the most intimate things life has to offer with him. 

that’s why i just don’t understand.. he says he wants all of this with me. he says he will always be there for me. he says he will always love me. he says he will always take care of me. he says he will always be true and faithful to me and only me. he says he will always be there for our babies. he says he will do anything to make sure our family is okay. he says he wants all of these things but why doesn’t he show it? yes, he buys me flowers from time to time to put a smile on my face, and yes, he does things to make me happy. but why is it too much to ask for? i ask for the bare minimal. i don’t ask for materialistic things. i don’t ask for fancy dates or expensive things. i ask for cute texts when i wake up in the morning and to talk about our future together. i ask for cuddling on his couch while watching christmas movies. i ask to be treated with love and respect. that’s it.

i just want to feel loved again. i want to feel like ryan is putting in the effort to make me feel loved. i want to feel like he wants me. i want to feel like everything is back to the way it used to be... because i can’t take this feeling anymore. this feelings of pure sadness building up inside of me and when another day goes by without the cute text or cute conversations about our future goes by, i just feel this overwhelming sadness take over because it was something so simple. yet it was apparently too much to ask for because it doesn’t happen anymore.