COLD

Yes, when I'm agitated,frustrated,when things don't go my way, I can be difficult.

I simply don't like things to be done last minute. Especially when I have made plans. Yes, things can change at the last minute and can be fixed when things go south. Or when others have better suggestions. But why the last minute input? Am I too unflexible? Am I being difficult and simply refuse to listen?

Short answer yes.

I was simply trying to protect my peace and go on my own pace. But now all is left is dissapointment.

Hearts have been broken due to all the frustration caused by pressure and stress.

Other's pov is I simply don't listen. Well not all the time of course. But when that happens, everything went sour. Tho despite acknowlegding my shortcomings,why I felt shitty (pardon my languange)? And why is that others become the bad guy and seems like I'm playing victim,blaming the pressure and stress?

I must be crazy for being in this position and having all these feelings. Despite others' anger and frustration caused by my shortcomings, I ended up having my spirit shot down. Feeling all useless,worthless and helpless.

[I was simply prorecting my peace but...]

And all now that's left are silence and tension. Cold air.

This is not the first time,but this time it felt the worst.

[What can I do so I no longer cause others' frustration and anger?]

[I have failed to protect my peace.]

Now all I can do is make dua (supplication) to Allah. To make all these negative thoughts and feelings go away. To heal my spirit back (pulihkan semangat). To have peace stored back.To put the cold air to an end. Ya Rabb, kindly fix/settle my affairs. I put my trust solely on you and only you can help me. Aamiin Aamiin Allahumma Aamiin.

P.S: until when can i point fingers at my mental health when things don't go my way? how can i not get on other peoples' nerve while protecting my peace.

And most importantly,am I really crazy?

Take a look! 📌 https://pin.it/1lBb7TIZR

After approximately 5 years, I am finally getting the treatment that I needed. Alhamdulillah.

I was diagnosed with Endometriosis (is a disease where tissue similar to the lining of the uterus grows outside the uterus, causing pain and/or infertility) in the late of 2018. I had two Endometrotic Cyst removed from my Uterus. Both were growing on my Fallopian Tubes.

When I was first diagnosed with the condition, I had little to none information about the disease. All I could remember was the pain. So much pain. Accruciating pointy pain at my abdominan,back & thighs. There was one point in time before I went to A&E and was then diagnosed, I had troubel of walking properly. My legs were pulled down and that made me had a hard time. Those poking needle like pain drove me crazy.

Fast forward, after I had my cysts removed, I had a breakdown. The reality hit me. Knowing that every single time if I were to remove any cysts growing in me, my egg count will drop and that will eventually lead to difficulty to conceive. The thought of having to live with this disease for the rest of my life also made me feeling miserable.

For the past 5 years or so I struggled emotionally. My emotions were simply unmanageable. I am not diagnosed with depression but I was showing symptoms. I was simply miserable & lost. I could not accept the reality. I also struggled physically & it affected my livelihood.

I tried so many things to manage the pain, the nausea & vomitting. It was nightmare. I gave up everytime something does not go my way. I gave up everytime the pain got worse. The countless clinics & hospital visits irritated me. Like, when will this ever be over? Broken spirit,broken hope,unstable emotions and impatience were and somehow still lives within me.

The countless random Gynae & GP that I have visited could not give me definite answers or proper treatment or guidelines as to how I could manage the pain,the side effects as well as how to manage my emotional & mental health. I changed from one hospital to another.

With the new hospital,initially I was still seeing random Gynae and to me it was somehow waste of time. They kept telling me to keep taking painkillers and pills (similar to birth control pill) to manage my pain. Like, I am in pain now. I needed something immediate not for long term.

Finally, after so many years, I finally somehow see hope when the current Hospital I visit for check-up/follow-up has opened a Endometriosis Clinic. ALHAMDULILLAH. I can finally get consultation and proper treatment from an Endometriosis Specialist and not having to meet random Gynae everytime I go for check-up. A little side story on this, earlier this year my Uncle actually asked me how am I doing. He then suggested for me to find one Gynae and stick to he/she so I can have a more organised,detailed treatment plan. I was touched by how he genuinely is concerned about my health. Talking to him that day made me feel cared for and that I really miss my Dad. Oh yeah, a couple of months after I had my surgery, my Dad passed away. THAT was my second breakdown.

I completely lost everything the day my Dad passed away. EVERYTHING. Hope,spirits,love. I lost it all. The only one person whom truly cares & support me with everything in life left me when I was battling the disease. I lost my father, protector,my bestfriend. He whom accompanied me to check-ups ( I did the same for him), he whom send me to work, he whom brought Pisang Goreng home for me. I lost him. He is no longer with me now but I pray that we, the whole family will be reunited again in the highest of Jannah (Heaven). Aamiin.

Back to the Endometriosis Clinic story; I finally met and was consulted my an Endo Specialist. Her name is Dr Lim. She explained to me in detailed about my current state and she shared with me her treatment plans she has in mind. She given me medication that could help to surpress the Cyts growth also to manage the pain. Apparently I had taken the medication before after I had my surgery. She advised me to take this medication for 4 months till the next follow-up with her. In the mean-time, she has ordered me to go for a MRI Scan so she could have clearer view on what's happening in my body especially my uterus area.

Moving forward, I strive to be more positive thinking, more patient,more calm and poise. Well, I strive. I strive to make things happen. All those pin saving on Pinterest in regards to Endometriosis (pain management,diet etc), I am determined to follow them through. One step at a time that is.

🤲 Bismillah.💪 💛

It's Christmas Sunday! Today, Christians all around the world celebrates Christmas. Muslims don't but I just loveee the Christmassy vibes, the lights & all. Especially in Edinburgh, Scotland. The cold air, the gloomy weather and of course the architecture. Not forgetting the festive lights coming from the Winter Wonderland. Yes, it's far smaller compared to London's Winter Wonderland but since it was my first experience, it is very special to me. Everything about the city of Edinburgh just screams MA-GI-CAL. For me. Maybe because it was winter, the gloomy cold weather and the castle made me feel that I have just stepped into fairytale. Everything was simply MAGICAL.

I have gone to London next. Love London too but Edinburgh is just so special to me. Since that was the first time and I didn't know what to expect so I only spent like four days in Edinburgh. I went with my cousin. I told her I only wanted to see Scottish Man playing the Bagpiper. It was my innocent childhood dream and you know what? I I DID SEE ONE. Our itinerary was, going to the Edinburgh Castle, Palace of Holyroodhouse, The Real Mary King's Close (UHMAZING). We also did the Hop-On Hop-Off Bus thingy and of course, exploring the Winter Wonderland. For The Real Mary King's Close if you're claustrophobic, I suggest not to go or maybe you can read up about this historical attraction beforehand and then decide if you still want to visit.

There were so many places of interests in Edinburgh that we didn't visit due to limited days. One place that I hope to visit is The Highlands. Next time. Hopefully.

Enough about Edinburgh and Christmas. Now back to the main topic; SUNDAYS. How I typically spend my Sundays. Three words, CHORES CHORES CHORES. Haha. It's the day that most us spend doing laundry and whatnot. Especially for those whom work on Saturdays. So, we only have Sunday left to tidy up.

But today, apart from all the chores, I had time to cook and bake. NOT a fan of cooking but I do ENJOY baking. Even if the result isn't splendid, I still love it. Baking sometimes do give me a lil bit of anxiety (because I don't know if it's going to be a success). But ultimately after baking, enjoying my bakes, I am just HAPPY. It's the time when I am most genuinely HAPPY.

My dream kitchen is to be filled an equipped with BAKING NEEDS. All the appliances, the tools and all the wonderful wonderful ingredients. I wish I could sketch how my dream kitchen would look like. Just talking about baking, automatically makes me smile.

Now it's 10.36 PM. Befory writing I watched Matilda The Musical on Netflix. Love it and now is already past my bedtime. I refuse to think about what's coming my way on Tuesday and the rest of the week. I just pray that I will be able to go through it smoothly. To be healthy, safe and sound (Aamiin).

That's all for now. Thank you. <3

P.S:

Welcome to my space. A space where i can be truly free. A space where I can spread the positivity & love for all. A space where I can heal. May Allah swt bless us all. Aamiin.