Cutting with William

I made it!

Pro’s over the last 30 days.

I got a lot done! Finished a model. Nearly finished a very heavy book. I know that doesn’t sound like a huge accomplishment but it’s not an easy read and it’s thick as a dictionary. Some of you remember what those are. I’ve studied Spanish for an hour every day. I filed my taxes. I went climbing 3-5 times a week. I spent a lot of quality time with some quality people.

I’m really up to date on politics and world events. I watch the news every morning and feel glad to be informed once again.

Sex is just amazing without porn in my life. I feel such a stronger connection. Every detail is important and I don’t lose focus on the person ever.

My sleep is incredibly different. I’ve always had bad sleep patterns and habits. Without television I have no need to stay up late or get up early. For the past 30 days my sleep has been extremely deep and lasting hours longer.

Con’s

Man doing nothing is hard. Sometimes I just wanted to relax and couldn’t. I needed to laugh and had no outlet. There’s a lot of laughter when with friends but it’s not the same as being entertained. My world without comedy was very serious and at times quite depressing.

What I’m going to take away.

I’m keeping off porn. I don’t want to give up what I’ve found out about myself and what I’ve found in others.

Spanish and news every morning. It’s nice to not feel like my brain is turning to mush.

I don’t want to turn the television on until my daily goals are completed. TV is like alcohol for me. Never touch it until I’m done with the day.

It comes as zero surprise to me that I’ve slacked off on the journal entries. It was never my goal or interest to improve on this so I’m at peace with it. But now the experiment is almost done and I have a lot of mixed emotions.

I had to regress on my standards on Saturday. I got injured and I’m mostly on bed rest at this point. Originally I had said that I would be okay to watch movies at the end of the day and only if I had the time for an entire film. As I started I to the experiment I felt like it was too much of a cheat and would find myself slipping down a path that was counter productive. But now with this level of limited mobility I needed an outlet. Still not watching TV and I haven’t gone crazy.

Part of this is making me a little sad now that I’m doing to the end. I very much want to keep a lot of the good habits developed in the last thirty days. I’ve been excellent on my Spanish studies. Keeping up with news on multiple platforms. Being active and engaged. Although since I don’t have insurance I have no idea how long it will be until I can get back on my feet

My relationships are so much stronger. Since I haven’t been in a rush to get home and de stress it’s brought the moment into focus. Every word and touch has become my entirety.

I really do pity those with an addiction to social media and their phones. Don’t get me wrong I’m very dependent on mine but when I’m with someone it goes away. Taking out your phone is the fastest way to silently declare that the person you with isn’t important to you. I’ve seen some of the IG stars out and about in Hollywood, doing their best to look like they’re having a good time. But as soon as the phone stops recording (if it ever does) the smiles drop. The sadness is evident. But, I digress.

I’m looking for a balanced structure when this is over. I’m no longer feeling the pride of someone that has bing watched the latest show in one day. There’s more to expect from myself. But it will be nice to do nothing more affectingly when I need to and not because I don’t have anything better to do.

Thank you for everyone for not ruining the 2nd season of Punisher for me! That will be my Thursday.

There’s a really dangerous time when kicking any addiction and it’s not at the bottom. Hitting rock bottom is the turn. You’re at your worst and that flame will kick on or off guiding your path from there out. It can be extremely triumphant and be the first break of independence where you can see the spot of happiness through the despair. It’s the moment right after that when you think you’re in control.

It’s incredible how like this experiment has been to my quitting smoking. There are withdrawals, fear of missing out, regular daily habits that needed to be broken and replaced. But now I’m hitting this familiar place where it’s not so bad.

I’ve kind of got a routine down now keeping my days very full and productive. I’m not feeling like I’m missing out as much. There was a trailer for the final season of Punisher on Netflix that’s making it rough. But I’m spending more time at the gym, having much more focused conversations and getting a lot of choirs at home accomplished. The benefits have been tremendous but that’s where the reasoning started to creep in.

Last night the roomie really just needed a chill night. Watch a movie and do nothing. My first thought was I’m doing so well. Haven’t cheated at all I’m sure I can reward myself with one decent movie for the night. That same feeling of confidence and feeling in control is why I failed so many times at quitting smoking. I’m not good at dabbling. Much more of a cheat day type of guy vs a cheat meal.

In my original line of thinking I was going to allow myself to watch movies at the end of the day and only if I had enough time to watch one in it’s entirety. After a few days in I felt like this was a cheat and would only sabotage my intentions so I nixed it.

I held strong and decided to stay the course. She was extremely supportive and has been of my whole journey. Selfishly I’m sure she just enjoys not coming home to explosions and laser blasts.

Yup, missed almost a week of journals. It started getting hard.

At about day 7 I just wanted to be bored. I didn’t feel like reading, or learning or working on my models. My body was exhausted from all the extra working out and in pain. I just wanted to laugh and I realize I have very little humor in my life. No Southpark, or Brooklyn 99, no fail videos or just joyous entertainment. I’m still reaping a lot of benefits but my motivation and relaxation is suffering.

I don’t want to go home at all and that’s mostly beneficial. My conversations with people are more intent. My attention is completely focused but I’m sending a lot more money staying out. It’s never a good time to spend more money but the week or two after the holidays is probably the worst. For some reason I’m sleeping better but more exhausted.

I haven’t really been forcing myself to be productive yet. Kind of like quitting smoking I wanted to get used to the idea of not having these distractions in my life first. I needed to allow myself to get board and see what direction I went into as a reaction but yesterday I got shit done.

My sleeping has been incredible. I had no idea the amount of anxiety that I was having with the feeling of not having enough time in the day. I slept a full eight plus hours and was ready to go. I did my Spanish studies for an hour, read “Guns, Germs and Steel” for over an hour then got to work on a model I’ve been wanting to assemble before bouldering for 90 minutes. Oh, and started lookin for some modeling prospects. I Really want to focus back on my photography. Also for the first time I set aside a moment to masturbate.

This maybe a little too much information for most so feel free to look away.

One of the things I decided to give up was pornography. For the first few days I’ve found myself horny but lacking the motivation to do anything about it. Pornography makes it so easy. Click on pornhub.com find the right content and let the visual stimulation carry you away for a time. But my problem is I believe it has been causing me a disconnect between my sexuality and the relationship with my partners.

I’ve never had a medically diagnosed condition of ED but occasionally would have troubles with new partners or in public scenarios. Public sexuality really turns me on but it was also causing me anxiety.

I started reading up on it and it’s pretty common. One good piece of advice is to focus on the tactile. As someone that really gets stuck in his head I was shocked at how much I forget this. Pornography sets a certain expectation for visual stimulation and when you’re/I’m constantly trying to find that expectation there’s so much of the experience that is being missed. The last time I was with a lover I did exactly that.

I just focused on the feel. Every touch and detail. How her softness felt against my rough hands. It was one of the best orgasms I’ve had. Kinesthetics can’t be given to us through a screen. It is quite literally a connection that is far too overlooked. I remember reading a long time ago that when someone touches us our skin detects it as a forgiven body and sends electricity from that surface to our brain. It is literally electric to be touched. This discovery made me quite hesitant about getting myself off though. It seemed almost depressing after this but I was in the mood.

I hate to bias this on male sexuality but I know so many more women that masturbate in the shower instead of in front of a computer screen. I don’t know the exact biology for that but women seem to be much better at holding on to a fantasy whilst physically stimulating themselves. For me it’s always been like trying to tune in a radio without interference. I get distracted so easily and when I’m distracted I’m not turned on.

I don’t want to say this was a night and day difference but I could hold my focus better. I think this is largely part to having literally no other source besides the porn bank in my brain. I still had issues of staying with a single thought. Kind of like an indecisive TV watcher flipping through channels. But it started getting a little easier and a little more exciting. I was kind of proud of myself for being able to climax. Can not remember the last time I’ve done that from thought alone.

Got home around 3am last night and was too tired to write.

I’m sleeping a lot more. I’ve had sleep issues my whole life. Five hours is about all I sleep and while it’s not enough I’m very conditioned to it. Yesterday I just kept sleeping.

It started with nine hours over night but when I got up I was still tired. Had breakfast, slept for another hour. Did a bunch of things and slept another hour before work.

I think it’s a lot of the anxiety falling off. Constantly pushing myself to be better, work harder, work more frequently creates a lot of pressure. And with so many life distractions it’s much more difficult to achieve.

Last night was a little rough. I had to stop myself from saying “I’m not gonna lie”. I hate that statement. It’s either a lie or superfluous. I was so exhausted and needed to stay awake just so I wouldn’t wake up at 3am. The boredom was eating at me. The last of my hangover left my brain super fuzzy and unable to function on anything requiring focus. So what the hell am I gonna do when I don’t want to do anything and that truly means nothing? But, I’ve had a strange and very welcomed side effect from the lack of passive stimulation. Music sounds incredible to me again.

For the last few years music has been nothing but a void filler. I hate the sound of silence. Being left alone with my thoughts drives me mad. As a child music sounded like pure emotion. It courses through you, moving your body, letting you feel sexy, loved, less lonely or whatever your looking to empathize with. It’s been so long since it’s had an impact with me. Like a musical sociopath I could no longer feel it. Now since it’s my only cheat it’s rekindled a long lost friendship.

I know music is technically a pastime but I’m allowing it. Even as I’m typing this out the music is flowing and I’m fully functional and productive.

I spent the evening having some conversation with my roommate, drinking some mezcal and studying photography. Also learned a lot more about quantum mechanics then I ever thought I would. I wont bore you with that. I tried explaining it to my roommate and she yawned dramatically through it.

Drinking without distraction was educational. When I’m doing multiple other things there’s not a cognoscente appreciation for what’s happening. Pointless almost. But I had a full awareness of the affects.

My focus is sharpening. There’s so much more time in the day so I’m no longer just trying to get through things. I spent a couple hours last night looking at boudoir photography. A great interest of mine. I infatuated with what speaks to me more: the subject or the artist. Everyone loves a naked woman but that doesn’t make for a great photograph. I found some needed direction for the still shot artist in me.

By the time a safe hour to fall asleep approached I had very little problems crashing out. Although I only slept six hours. I’m hoping this experiment will help me with my insomnia. I sleep very few hours a night and it’s usually very interrupted. I’m constantly worried about what I’m missing out on. But so far no luck.

The work day was rough. I’m not used to being up at most hours followed with an AM. My brain was scattered and unfocused. I don’t often work this early but there was some time sensitive requirements that needed attention today. Once a month I do a full inventory but today took me twice as long to get shit done. As a bartender I work vampire hours but I’ve always functioned best at night.

I made it through the day and headed home. I got a short massage along the way then straight to bed for a nap. Everything’s out of whack.

I met my Vicki for dinner also meeting her brother for the first time tonight. He was accompanied by three of his long time friends. While I don’t think this is a group of people that would hang out without the common bond it was very enjoyable. When I’m not trying to “Get through” dinner I found my focus to be more intent and sincere. It’s a small degree but my social skills are improving. A couple hours nicely spent.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. Thursdays are my Monday’s. Significant for me getting started and having no excuses to get things done. I plan on starting my Spanish studies, bouldering and running as long as the last of this damn head cold clears up. Or allergies. I can’t tell anymore.

I’m really terrible at consistent journaling but I’m going to try. This is the first time in my life that I will be going without any entertainment that falls under the passive category. No TV, No video games, no YouTube and no pornography. I’ve decided to remain on social media because I have several productive goals that I would like to reach on that platform. And while pornography is not exactly passive I believe it hampers the imagination and prohibits the productivity towards sexual and emotional connections.

I was reading this book “Guns, Germs and Steele”, and it had a very profound impact on me. Especially the part about cerebral evolution and our role with the Neanderthal. Turns out we were not the dominant species snuffing out the old one. The cromag was stronger and had a much larger cranial capacity then us. But because we were weaker in many ways we had to be more crafty. Setting fourth our journey between wisdom and intelligence.

Later in the book it goes on to mention that about a hundred years ago we would have considered people of our modern average and education to be mentally challenged. Almost entirely in part to our commitment to passive entertainment. The last I read the average American spends about 8 hours a day not thinking. Years can pas by and we’re no closer to the life we want or accomplishing the goals we want to achieve. This line of thought is was planted the seed. How much can I accomplish with an extra eight hours a day?

Day one. Last night was NYE so I’ve been extra hungover. My brain is fuzzy and all I want to do is nothing. But My nothing usually consists of TV and video games so what the hell do I do with myself? I got on Facebook events to see what’s happening in the world and it seemed there’s a bartenders brunch at Petty Cash. In my head I was thinking civeche and a micholada would be perfect to take the edge off. I had no idea there would be a couple hundred bartenders there.

It was a bit overwhelming. I was hoping for chill but walked into seeing so many people I’ve grown to love and cherish over the years. I don’t go out much anymore so it was really soul charging to feel that kind of love. But, Impossible to get a drink and my stomach was empty. My one shot of mezcal for breakfast was hitting me.

I ran into Ronny whom I’ve met with many times but honestly never had much quality one on one real conversation with. We were both on the same page as to needing some sit down food and decided to bail out to Pink Taco.

One of those places I’ve passed hundreds of time but never went in. The girls there are so stunning. We were greeted buy this hostess that had half pink and half black hair parted right down the middle. Super sub culture feel to her and I was in love immediately. We had this super friendly mega hot bartender that took great care of us. Ronny and I had some in depth conversation bout how much people forget in our industry that we are in customer service. Making people happy should always be our first job. Not making super fancy cocktails, not having a super snobby knowledge of eclectic spirits. Making people happy. When I remember that I get very proud to say I’m a bartender. Not some fancy fuck, fuck.

It was getting time for Ronny to get to work so we headed back to his place. I’m actually really good friends with his roomy Josh. We go bouldering quite a bit and I’ve known him for many years. Very cherished friend that I’ve gotten to know a lot better over the last year. I intruded on his quiet evening witch he welcomed with chivalry and hot tea. I really appreciated the companionship from both of them but I also had this looming feeling of not wanting to go home. What the fuck was I going to do with myself? I don’t want to do anything. But I don’t know what that means. I also really hate the sound of silence. Drives me mad.

I came out as Poly a little over a year ago. It's like swinging in many ways but the relationships go deeper. In retrospect swinging was much simpler but it only scrapes the surface of what you can experience. The experience.... on the outside sounds amazing. Have your cake and eat it too. But the hard part is with opportunity comes the chance to lose just as much.

I went through my first poly break up in October. Fuck that was tough. I've never been in a situation where I'm taking in all the pain and loss of losing someone while trying to maintain a relationship. I think the superficial context of it sounds appealing. You have someone to confide in and have sex with and don't get me wrong that's nice. But at the same time it feels like drinking away your pain. It didn't allow me to face all the hurt I was feeling. Here was a perfectly loving positive source to drown my sorrows in but like many distractions it only prolongs.  

It took some time but I was able to transition as we say in poly. It's a good perspective "transition". Breakup or dumped sound so finite and label harshly. For the second time in my life I was able to find a true friendship in a former lover. That maybe the most rare discovery I've had so far. I've literally had hundreds of lovers and for the 2nd time I've made a friend. 

I'm not a monogamous person and you know this. I've tried and it always ends badly. I told myself I will never go through the pain of being something I'm not again. But then, I met a girl.......I fell in love... and I was trapped in love again. 

We met when I was engaged but I knew from the beginning this isn't a life she could live. I had hoped so hard. Her personality was everything that turned me on. Sexy, funny, cute and really sharp. It didn't hurt that she's a petite fitness buff either. Fuck that body killed me. I put everything on the line to her from the start. This is who I am, my relationship and where I come from. That's not her but it doesn't freak her out entirely she tells me. She tried. She really tried.

I'm not sure if irony is the word for being a single polyamorous male but here I am. For the first time in years. Come on now. Not entirely single, but...feeling very alone. I hate disparity. 

For as healthy as Hollywood seems on the surface why is there so much support for self destruction? I see healthy people every day running, going to yoga, hiking all sorts of wonderful stuff. But the idols of Hollywood, the eccentric artists that are most idolized have had very self destructive lives. 

Elvis with his pill addiction, Orson Welles would drink a bottle of Scotch every night, James Dean couldn't orgasm without cigarettes being burned on to his skin. The list goes on and on from Sid and Nancy, Amy Winehouse and Heath Ledger to name a very small few. 

I suppose it's the ideology of that self destruction that bothers me. It's not uncommon for people to say the the most interesting artists are in the most pain and that's what makes for good art. The best comedians are the saddest people. It bothers me because we often hear a lot about the pain of successful people but most people wont achieve the success.

The amount of people that have a successful career in the arts is no secret to anyone it's very, very small. But the amount of artists in the process that destroy themselves is pretty high. Drug and alcohol addiction, prostitution especially in this town mostly started with a dream. 

Perhaps the common thread is that most of us are in pain and we need this platform to express it. In most artists I've run into that is often the case. The tragedy is when self destruction becomes the outlet and not the art.  

Hating yourself and living like a train wreck is not the key to success. There's nothing interesting about a drug addict, an alcoholic or a prostitute. But take any of those people and turn them into a success story and it's something amazing. It provides the emotional variety that makes life so wonderfully colorful. 

I'm choosing to be an artist that loves himself and his life. I don't need to be tragic to be beautiful. 

There are so many encouragements in sports about not giving up when things are at their worst. It aint over till it's over. Anything can happen on any given Sunday. Things to that affect. But it's rare when you hear the truth about how many times you will fail in art of any kind (but from my own experience acting) before or if you ever make it. 

I once saw this commercial that had all these famous athletes and each of them going over their stats on how many passes they missed or shots that weren't even close to the rim. I though it was great. An amazing perspective on success. But then I started thinking about the pursuit I'm on and what I would have thought if I'd know how many times I would learn how not to book the role.

I spoke to an actor when I had been in Hollywood for about two years that told me something very truthful though it took me several years to really understand it. I had viewed him as a talented, charismatic person and he had a few small credits on some major productions. He spoke from experience and not from arrogance. This is someone that really had my attention. He said, "There is nothing harder in this profession than dealing with the rejection. The fucking rejection you have to deal with every single day and still find a reason to keep going." There was a very real pain in his face. 

Several years later I'm finding myself in the same position. I've had some experiences that I wouldn't trade for the world and trying so hard to not focus on all  the rejections. That is easily the biggest challenge of my career. Just looking for that one person to believe in me as much as I have. As much as the kind words I've received from people that have come to see my shows. Just one person to give me that break I've been searching so hard for. 

I know this sounds very depressing and it can be. But it's also a turn. I'm done feeling sad and trying to figure out what they want.

I follow this dream because I can't imagine doing anything else with my life and I started hating it when I was no longer acting for myself. There are so many variable as to why one person or the next doesn't get cast. And many times it has to deal with who you know and how skinny your waist line is. Just watch anything on the CW. It's an entire station based on that principal alone. Though I'm ashamed to admit I do like Vampire Diaries =D Okay so not "anything on the CW". But I digress. 

I act for me, and when I don't it's trash. I'm done trying to figure out what people want when all I can give them is me. In my opinion that's more than enough. 

I'm wondering what other people do for supplemental work. Or more so the balance of working to maintain a living and pursue a creative dream. There are just so many things to balance.

Many people have advised that I/we (The Performer) find a job that pays the bills, has the flexibility to allow for auditions and that you could quit the second you get a big break. The majority of jobs are either day or night and not often flexible. Sound advise but that often will lead to food and beverage service. And even then is not always that flexible. 

The problem that I'm facing now is that I love what I'm doing. Both in the day, pursuing and acting career and at night working at various mixology bars. While I'm fortunate enough to have work that I truly love, the flexibility and dependability to do both it leaves no time to satisfy the artist in me. Well, not "no time" but not as much as I would like. I miss the stage. Always will.

The stage is where I fell love with acting. I had done many projects throughout my educational life but it never feels the same as when I did it for the first time in a little community theater in Aurora, Colorado. I remember meeting such passionate people compelled to be a part of this for no other reason then they had to. Burning inside us all was something that just had to get out. Most of us had full time jobs, relationships and  a million other things that needed our daily attention. Yet there we were. Happy as June bugs till three in the morning, sitting in dark lights in a little black box. For the first time in my life I felt like I belonged somewhere. 

No matter what happens in my life I'll always need that. It does make me sad when I don't have time for the stage.

Another reason to push harder and to be more diligent. I have a dream, and it's an ambitious one.