30 Days no Passive Entertainment Day 2 of 30
Last night was a little rough. I had to stop myself from saying “I’m not gonna lie”. I hate that statement. It’s either a lie or superfluous. I was so exhausted and needed to stay awake just so I wouldn’t wake up at 3am. The boredom was eating at me. The last of my hangover left my brain super fuzzy and unable to function on anything requiring focus. So what the hell am I gonna do when I don’t want to do anything and that truly means nothing? But, I’ve had a strange and very welcomed side effect from the lack of passive stimulation. Music sounds incredible to me again.
For the last few years music has been nothing but a void filler. I hate the sound of silence. Being left alone with my thoughts drives me mad. As a child music sounded like pure emotion. It courses through you, moving your body, letting you feel sexy, loved, less lonely or whatever your looking to empathize with. It’s been so long since it’s had an impact with me. Like a musical sociopath I could no longer feel it. Now since it’s my only cheat it’s rekindled a long lost friendship.
I know music is technically a pastime but I’m allowing it. Even as I’m typing this out the music is flowing and I’m fully functional and productive.
I spent the evening having some conversation with my roommate, drinking some mezcal and studying photography. Also learned a lot more about quantum mechanics then I ever thought I would. I wont bore you with that. I tried explaining it to my roommate and she yawned dramatically through it.
Drinking without distraction was educational. When I’m doing multiple other things there’s not a cognoscente appreciation for what’s happening. Pointless almost. But I had a full awareness of the affects.
My focus is sharpening. There’s so much more time in the day so I’m no longer just trying to get through things. I spent a couple hours last night looking at boudoir photography. A great interest of mine. I infatuated with what speaks to me more: the subject or the artist. Everyone loves a naked woman but that doesn’t make for a great photograph. I found some needed direction for the still shot artist in me.
By the time a safe hour to fall asleep approached I had very little problems crashing out. Although I only slept six hours. I’m hoping this experiment will help me with my insomnia. I sleep very few hours a night and it’s usually very interrupted. I’m constantly worried about what I’m missing out on. But so far no luck.
The work day was rough. I’m not used to being up at most hours followed with an AM. My brain was scattered and unfocused. I don’t often work this early but there was some time sensitive requirements that needed attention today. Once a month I do a full inventory but today took me twice as long to get shit done. As a bartender I work vampire hours but I’ve always functioned best at night.
I made it through the day and headed home. I got a short massage along the way then straight to bed for a nap. Everything’s out of whack.
I met my Vicki for dinner also meeting her brother for the first time tonight. He was accompanied by three of his long time friends. While I don’t think this is a group of people that would hang out without the common bond it was very enjoyable. When I’m not trying to “Get through” dinner I found my focus to be more intent and sincere. It’s a small degree but my social skills are improving. A couple hours nicely spent.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow. Thursdays are my Monday’s. Significant for me getting started and having no excuses to get things done. I plan on starting my Spanish studies, bouldering and running as long as the last of this damn head cold clears up. Or allergies. I can’t tell anymore.
I’m having some strange feelings like when I quit smoking. Like “now what the fuck do I do?”. It’s pretty exciting.