The box

Ham asked for a long tumblr. Here it goes.

I miss you brother. I miss the car rides out pike road and beers at the tipping point. Miss it a lot.

Enough with the nostalgia Here you go

There are a lot of times in my life that I can look back and see my personal demons breaking through my carefully constructed semblance of sanity, only to be broken apart by answered prayer or the company of someone who will share my burdens. Its been a tough row to how living here in brewton. There are few people that are my age that share my interests. I'm older than the new freshmen and the few friends that I made while I attended are busy. The last weekend I was with Abby, the thought of a wonderful weekend with her crashing into the stark realization of the job and the almost overbearing loneliness that accompanies sitting in a dark room playing xbox and on my shiny new computer, was too much for me to handle. I broke down, and cried myself to sleep.

This week was fucking perfect though. Monday was a bitch getting up at 5 and leaving my lady, but work kept me busy and kept my mind off of it. Tuesday I didn't have to be in till 10, I got to go out with the camera and caught up with a few old friends, had lunch with them and ended the day early. Wednesday I got to start up our student news again, it was a welcome break from fixing printers, and HOLY SHIT I'm going to be the faculty sponsor for the College gaming club and I'm so fucking stoked. Today I was busy and I feel like I ended the week well. 

I hate saying the 'Christian' mantra "It was an answer to prayer" because it is overused and trivializes things to a great degree, but damn son God reminded me that he still gives a shit about me.

Abby, because I know you will read this, I love you and I'm proud of you sticking with Med School even though its already getting tough. It's pretty scary to me.

Jae, in case you read this, I miss you brother, we need to find a new xbox game to play together. I miss the minecraft and the borderlands.

Loftin, do you even get on Tumblr? I need to call you more, I need to make more time to just sit down and chat with you. I miss you brother.

Collier, sorry about not being able to visit this month, speeding tickets are a bitch. I can't wait to come see your apt and come take the official Collier Neeley tour of the history of Atlanta.

Geo, because I know you tumblr all the time, I haven't been on here in forever because the internet is so sucky, I feel as if I have lost a friend. I hope things are going well up in the great white narth.

Now that the personal anecdotes are done, I feel like the post isn't long enough so I'm going to keep going.

Money just sucks ass, I hate it because I don't quite have a handle on it. Jae if you have any financial advice please insert it here. I would like to save some money so that I can be much more financially stable than I am. I'll need to buy a house, a car, a ring (one day OMG GUYS QUIT FREAKING OUT I SAID ONE DAY), all kinds of stuff.

Hmmm...If I were in moldova right now, I would like to say a few things to hams team. Mainly because I like kicking ass and taking names sometimes. 

1. Empathy and Understanding are things that many people take for granted. Take what Ham says with a grain of salt and you'll learn a ton of shit.

2. Healthy people don't need doctors.

and 3. YOU KNOW WHY

I have recently found a band named Twenty One Pilots, and I have to say that I have never ever had the feeling that I feel when I listen to their music. There have been several bands in the past that I have had mixed feelings about, or didn't really know if I liked or hated their music, but holy shit 21 pilots i love and hate. The choruses and bridges are amazing, well constructed and have that "sing at the top of my lungs quality to them" but what the hell happened to the rest of the songs? Idk, someone shed some light on the situation.

Thats about all I can think to ramble on about. I am going to end this post with a poem that I found browsing the interwebs. It is entitled "Invictus" and it is by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

and yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll

I am the master of my fate

I hate sex.

I wish procreation went without pleasure sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, It feels great, it smells great, it tastes great. I just think it fucks shit up too much.

Before I go any further, note that I am in a Long Distance Relationship and that I am tired.

I miss sex too much to function at where I need to. Sometimes I think that problem will work itself out in the future, but what if it doesn't? I wish I could turn off the sex in mine and my girlfriends relationship to focus on the "nitty-gritty" All the things we fell in love for and the things that we still love about each other.

Its really my fault though, that I feel this way. For a significant portion of my life i have enjoyed the pornographic arts, the only problem is that I quickly became addicted to them, and before I knew it my thought processes had been altered just enough to see the world differently. It has made me super jealous of anyone trying to get my girlfriends attention for fear that she'll be seduced WHICH IS FUCKING BULLSHIT IF YOU ASK ME! Who am I to not trust her like that? She has only given me love and respect and I return it with "cheating" on her via pornhub. FUCK ME! I'M AN ASSHOLE FOR THAT! 

I have put it down though, I've gotten by for about 2-3 weeks now, no porn no nothing. Its been hard (pun intended?). Things have changed for me internally, I feel different, I think different, and I act a little different. Less and less, things that were associated with sex in my mind have lost that attachment. I feel "cleaner" (not to sound like a pretentious asshole). I hope  I can stick with this for good.

Back to sex, I guess I don't really hate sex, but there are a lot of things that I wish didn't come with it. I'm tired of the longing lonely feeling that happens when her warm body isn't curled up in my lap, or she isn't laying on my chest asleep. I miss the intimacy that comes from face to face contact. 

I miss the intimacy, even that weird intimate moment you have after that rough, biting, scratching, clawing, pounding, sex that makes you walk crooked for a few days and take careful showers. Even then, the intimacy is in that trust thing. You trust your partner to not physically harm you, thats fucking good stuff right there. If only I could sell intimacy in a bottle...

My absolute favorite thing about sex is probably the feeling of being wanted. I feel like its most concentrated then. That desire that the other person has for you played out in not just something you trust that they have, but you can see/smell/hear/taste/touch it. I love that feeling, that closeness.

Ladies, don't wear makeup. You look better without it.

Thank you.

There was a girl I liked. We've been dating for almost 4 years now. She sen't me this quote today.

The central problem of our age is not liberalism or modernism, nor the old Roman Catholicism or the new Roman Catholicism, nor the threat of communism, nor even the threat of rationalism and the monolithic consensus which surrounds us. All these are dangerous but not the primary threat. The real problem is this: the church of the Lord Jesus Christ, individually corporately, tending to do the Lord’s work in the power of the flesh rather than of the Spirit. The central problem is always in the midst of the people of God, not in the circumstances surrounding them.