Everyone huddled around

Soft singing lingered in the background

Time seemed to stand still for a moment

We held our breath while we counted your heartbeats

Slower

Slower

Slower

Until it just stopped

So when can I begin blood letting?

You can have every evil, spiteful drop I got from my mother

I would have done it years ago had I not shared the my brother’s blood

His blood is the only goodness I possess

When in reference to him, it’s accurate

So I’m stuck with the mixture of my mother’s hatefulness

My father’s apathy

But I have my brother’s precious blood

Until my brother died

The word itself isn’t big enough to encapsulate the feeling

It’s like being absolutely gutted while awake

A never ending suffocating wave after wave of clarity and delusion

He’s not really gone

And

Oh God I can’t survive this

Sometimes the only thing pushing me forward is the knowledge that as your sister

Your DNA is mingled with mine

I have it tucked neat and nice in it’s box in my mind

Then there are days where grief slithers it’s icy grip on my throat and squeezes

I’m choking and drowning in the absence of you

That’s life dealing with loss

You go through the motions

But I’m not sure why

I should be used to them

Just so the whole world could feel the darkness I feel

Wishing and praying things could have been different

Angry at the world for this happening to him

I don’t know what life will be like without him here

He was waiting my arrival and now I have to wait for his departure

“Grief is just love with no place to go”

Well I’ve been grieving my whole life

Grieving over the parents I have

The parents I wanted them to be

I’ve grieved over the girl I was

And the girl I should have been

It has put an ache of loneliness deep in my bones

Right down into the core of who I am

So if that quote is true

Then I am overflowing with love with no place to go

I will just stuff it in my chest

Doomed to lose everyone I have ever cared about

I must be arsenic

Slowly poisoning anyone that gets close

If you thought loving me was dangerous

Well you should try being loved by me

It is not a love born from obsession

I feel like obsessive love is selfish

No

My love is selfless

I don’t demand all of you

I want whatever you will give me

And I will cherish it

Give me your Saturday mornings instead of your Friday nights

I want your devotion but none of the suffocation

I want to be my own person and you to be yours

Pure love to me is exactly how we are