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Staring into your eyes

And reminding myself

I am the only one you see

Not just in this moment 

But every moment 

Especially in the future 

I know we are destined 

Let’s go have a drink 

Don’t come to my place  

He bought me the clothes   

I put on today 

I just want to sleep 

I don’t want to fight 

His smell still

Lingers on these sheets 

And holds me at night 

So don’t send a message 

A quarter past three

Cause he’s still the lone star 

I see in my dreams 

Don’t try to be funny 

Hold me when i cry

Outside of making ends connect 

I don’t have the time 

For anything 

But what I had

Yearning for

A landing pad

Endless loop

I medicate 

Hoping to forget their name

Reminisce

On years ago 

While you’re left

Out in the cold 

Solitary warmth from cigarettes 

Exploring a city

We both know too well

As if everything is new

Just for the night

The same old streets

Cloaked in darkness

And ambiguity 

For the sake of exploration

And not staying in tonight 

I hope we see everything 

There is to see 

In this city

Become experts on our one home 

By the time we surpass our twenties

And add a passanger

Every night 

The moon shows its full face

Or just enough

To crack a smile

I remember the days

We sat beneath this same moon

Miles away

Jumping through any hoop 

To simply steal a kiss

Sunny summer days 

We spend time 

But not too much time

On our hair 

And face 

In the hopes that we can capture 

What we truly look like

So as our youth fades

I can reminisce on past decades 

Where my mom did my hair 

And your grandma saw you off

I hope one day 

We don’t look for the people we used to be 

We simply acknowledge that we have changed 

And move on lovingly 

Can we stay in this daydream 

Just a few days longer 

No one thanks the conscious smoker 

The one who picks up their butts 

Even if their hands

Reek of ash and tobacco 

And turn black

As to cover up any indiscretion 

The one who blows smoke away 

At the sound of any child 

Or possible non smoker 

Ears alert like a guard dog 

No one thanks 

The one who blows

White smoke back into their own face 

Before blowing in the direction 

Of any other soul 

I guess efforts are erased

In the presence of sin

But we cannot simply be good 

Stains I can’t explain

Things that never change 

I thought we would be safe this time 

Caught in autumn rain

But on the day you call for me

Know I won’t be long 

Even in my nervousness

The nights I awake 

Just to catch my breath 

And remind myself 

My dreams are not reality 

The constant search

To find a place to call home 

Does not end tonight

But maybe just for a few hours

While I recharge 

And remember home is not a place

I run

From the memories 

I can hardly grasp 

But poison my mind and body 

I fall asleep at night

After a million kisses

To still see his face

Behind the curtain of my mind 

Faces of those who love me

Try to protect me 

From his shrill voice 

And destructive hands 

As my chosen one 

Hides with me

Beneath a pillow fortress

Made of silk and satin 

As we wait out the storm

Restless words  

I keep inside 

Take the weight 

off of your shoulders 

Rest it on mine 

Hopefully 

One day

We both will look

See all of our good memories

Pressed into a book 

Or three

Self published by me

Pouring everything I have for you 

Never costs a fee 

I hope you’ll finally come inside

Take a look into my eyes 

I pray there’s not a single victim of my crimes 

I try

To not sink into sorrow

obsess and overthink

All of The options of tomorrow 

And if i leap today 

Can I avoid the rain 

Be a frog just jumping through 

I run my mind and body

To hear you say you’re sorry 

I waited for you day and night

You left me in the lobby

Don’t force me to be stronger

To sit in silence longer 

At the end of all 

You know I’m still you’re daughter 

The time I spent to call you

Letting me tumble farther 

Seeing you in every single nightmare

Only made it harder 

Years that I spent running 

Taking my life as nothing 

Left to pick up all the pieces 

Make it into something 

Gritting through your teeth 

So I don’t stand and speak 

Will never change a single thing 

You can’t take what I’ve seen 

Hiding behind a woman 

So you can seem more human 

But every crack tells a story 

Ours are saying something 

Wasting your life in parlors

Will only make it harder

I hope that one day you will see 

You’re truly not my father 

So keep in mind your prayers 

As you’re catching glares 

From the ones who see right through your

When you caught me 

Making my Barbies kiss 

When I was 10

And scolded me 

And shamed me 

Until I turned red 

You took away 

My desire to play 

And explore the world 

That would turn me into the woman

I see in the mirror today 

Through innocent things 

Like dolls

And kids perfume 

As a woman now 

I don’t forget