in a room of my own

The art of surviving as a flower growing through a crack in the pavement.

...

Jiji xx

About two months ago I got myself into a situation, that reignited a spark of hope inside of my heart, that grew into a little flame, that is currently desperately grasping for air to survive. Or, less figuratively speaking: I met someone, who I fell for almost immediately, but who is only giving me mixed signals in return. I believe, the signals I've been giving are pretty clear, but I might be totally wrong on that.

The rational part of my brain tells me to let them go, because I deserve more than this heartache, but my intuition is still convined, that waiting, just a little longer, will turn out to be worth this pain. I know the day will come, where I have to make my position clear to them, but for now, I don't know, maybe I am simply so used to rushing these things prematurely and we haven't spent enough time in person together yet.

I am caught right in the middle between comfort and chaos and it is pulling my heartchambers apart. When talking to others, they say I should relax and not worry so much, but what they don't understand is, that I will always think and feel and worry and love too much.

Somehow I feel like the stars are aligning with this person and me.

Maybe it's just a childish, naive notion of mine, caused by infatuation and hormones, but how will I know for sure, without giving this the time it needs to clear itself out? By fighting this battle I will grow so much stronger, regardless of the outcome. And they can too and I don't want to rob them of this chance so early on.

If this feeling is mutual, seems impossible to know for sure. no matter how hard you try to communicate, all language reaches it's barriers at some point and the only bridge between two minds is trust. And trust is no magical skill like telepathy, no it has to be earned, built and reassured all the time.

So how do we decide on a perfect person to fight this battle with? We can't. There is no perfect person and thinking there might always appear someone better around the next corner, is a dangerous symptom of our ever growing individualist and idealist capitalist society. (For some this might not be such a problem, I am only speaking of my own personal experiences and needs here.)

By Camonghne Felix

May 23, 2022

I can’t tell you Why I loved him or What it meant. When you Are a child, you know only The kind of love your little Life lacked, so every Blooming flower is a field. What I know Is that there were two skies And under one, I was a shadow. His Sky was as blue as his eyes. Some Of that is my doing and the rest of it Is time. These days, he traces the shape of The curds above him and I lay out under A separate sun. Both of us are fine With this. We picked our place Under the lid of god and we shut Our eyes to it every night. That’s what it means To have loved goodly—to meet Fate in a lavender hall and walk Right past it, the white train quivering, Nostalgia in your wake.

Published in the print edition of the May 30, 2022, issue.

Camonghne Felix, a poet and an essayist, is the author of “Build Yourself a Boat.” Her book “Dyscalculia” will be published in 2023.