Remarkably Unhuman

I call him rick C-417 because it looks like CATY kinda

The MC is a girl who we’ll call Sue. Sue is a Good Girl™, Sue is Not Like Other Girls™, she is pale and awkward and a virgin and has somehow managed to find herself a Bad Boy™ for a boyfriend. We’ll call him Dickhead.

Now Dickhead as previously stated is a bit of dick, he tries to pressure Sue into sex because he knows she is The One™ but he loves her really so it’s okay. Except it’s not okay because Sue is a Good Girl™ and holding out till marriage which he’s fine with except he’s got such a bad case of blue balls that one night walking home an attractive stranger lures him into an alley with the words “hey stud” and he follows, dick out before she’s even finished her sentence. Well turns out that was a mistake for Dickhead because she’s a vampire, but not just any vampire, a Dick Biting Vampire. So what started out as a skeevy blow job behind a club that he’ll feel bad about in the morning, turns into him being bitten on the dick and drained of his life essence and left for dead. Except DBV fucked up and now he’s a vampire. Are you still with me? Good, cause it’s about to get weirder.

Realizing he is now an abomination, Dickhead flees, becoming a creature of the night and feeding on animals rather than humans to repent for being such an asshole in life. Sue meanwhile is heartbroken, but carries on valiantly with her life and goes to bed each night crying for the loss of her One True Love™ who she would do anything to bring back. Well guess what Sue, Dickhead never really left you! He’s been “instinctively protecting her from rapists” by hiding out on her roof and fighting hobos who try to get to her open window via the fire escape for months now. Because that’s not fucking terrifying at all.

Upon learning of his predicament and how it happened, Sue can do nothing but blame herself. Oh if only she’d let him touch her secret places, then perhaps all of this could be avoided! Meanwhile Dickhead is having another dilemma of his own, realizing too late that his vampire powers have given him super senses and now he can smell her blood and he can’t decide whether he wants to get with her or eat her. And I don’t mean in the French sense. But he is strong! And over comes his base manly vampire instincts and neither rapes not kills her. Hurrah! And this is so romantic that Sue gives it up, but not before she launches into a theory about how in all fairy tales, True Love saves the day, so maybe her magical pure vagina that has never been touched by anyone, not even her, can bring him back to life. So Dickhead being a dickhead agrees and rips her clothes off, but not before he takes one last moment to marvel at the beauty of her purity, because he will never again look on her again and know she is Pure.

If you’ve only vomited once by now, I applaud your resolve.

So they hop on the good foot and do the nasty, except she is literally so pure in spirit, her flesh burns his. And I quote you from memory because these words are burned into my soul: “her breasts bit into his hands, like crucifix nail nipples tearing at his flesh, but he did not care because he loved her so and couldn’t stop”

This phrase haunts me. I dread that it will be the last thing I think about on my death bed and my last words will literally be “god fucking dammit” as I die, carrying that mental image with me into the afterlife. My own solace is in knowing that I inflicted it on other people too, like @ahzuri who is somehow still with me after all these years.

When the magical burning sex fails to heal him and leaves her bruised, battered and broken with “a dainty blue bells of bruises around her secret flower” (I am genuinely quoting this, I could never make something as horrendous as this up without being on acid) Dickhead leaves. Yeah. Off he fucks, leaving her to the mercy of the hobos at her window, and into the night to be the true monster he really is. But wait, there’s more. Remember the dick biting vampire? Well turns out she has figured out she made him into a vampire and has also been stalking HIM and is totally jealous of Sue, so tries to kill her. But again Sues Purity saves her, because sex before marriage which was done out of True Love is not a sin, so she is still a spiritual virgin and I’ll be honest, I started drinking heavily at this point and it’s all a bit of a blur.

A fight ensues some pages later after Dickhead returns, realizing the mistake he has made. And he rescues Sue from the Dick Biter, but not before he assaults Dick Biter, and calls her a slut for luring innocent men into alleys cuts her heart out by cutting her breasts off, at which point i screamed “THAT’S NOT HOW YOU REACH THE HEART” and my brain short circuited completely and I have no idea how it ends because I realized there was 30 pages left and my soul couldn’t take it. I emailed the chief editor like ?????!!!!!!????!!!!!! and the book was immediately pulled from the work line and the author dismissed from the publishing house. Turns out she was a friend of a friend and that was how she got the manuscript past our entry levels for requirement.

I honestly believe that this genuine moment in Promortyus occurring shortly before Rick realises that he's left and forgotten about Summer is a big contributor towards his actions in The Vat of Acid Episode, especially with what we now know about Summer reminding Rick of Diane and the Omega Device's effects on memories. Rick opens up and has a nice moment of unguarded communication with Morty, only to end up having the trauma of losing his wife/daughter triggered as a result (not in actuality, but I'm sure from Rick's perspective he feels that letting his guard down is why he forgot Summer).

There's also the moment at the end of the episode where he and Morty think they're going to die and Rick not only apologises and takes responsibility, but tells Beth to say goodbye to her 'little boy'. I think this reminded Rick of losing Beth.

The main way I think this relates to Rick's behaviour in the next episode is his fake-out moment of vulnerability/apology before revealing the truth to Morty. Maybe he would've done this anyway had the previous episode not happened/gone differently, but I still think it's interesting that he chose to do this. He wants Morty to doubt that any moment of weakness or even benevolence is genuine. He makes a lot of similar points here as he does in Promortyus - acknowledging his poor treatment of Morty due to his own issues, apologising, opening up about his own issues and thought processes - but is generally more exaggerated in each of these points/emotions.

Some more rick and morty mlp au art, based on @purple-ff00ff's comment lol. Rick is knocked out and morty's trying to get them both to safety.

¨Salute Your Morts¨: This one likely comes from the series ¨¨Salute Your Shorts¨ with it is about young campers. Based on this the episode could be either screenshot Rick and Morty are seen camping or the teaser in which Summer and Morty are sent to camp.

¨SeRicknity (2019)¨: This title is likely based on the movie Serenity (2019). The plot is about a fisherman who is approached by his ex-wife to murder her abusive new husband. This sounds like it could be Unity episode again or also could be Buganne from previous season.

¨There's Something About Morty¨: In the discord server i'm in it was suggested that it comes from the movie ¨There's Something About Mary¨ which is a romantic movie, soo i guess this could involve Morty getting a girlfriend?

¨Erickerhead¨: This one is likely ¨Eraserhead¨. It is a horror movie about a man finding out that he has a child with a woman. ...I'm not sure what it could be about unless it is Rick finding out he had a illegitimate child? And it could be horror related too.

¨Rick Fu Hustle¨: Okay, this is easily reference to a King Fu movie. Someone suggested this could be the episode that Rick is seen training like crazy from the sneak peek. It could be that it is that or another thing.

¨Rick Days, Seven Nights¨: It comes from ¨Seven Days, Seven Nights¨ which is a castaway movie... I'm not sure, it could be an episode about Rick getting stranded on a planet with someone he dislikes? That's my biggest guess.

Mortgully: The Last Rickforest: This one is rather obvious (Fergully). It could be the episode that Rick and Morty are seen camping together. I wonder based on the title if Planetina could make a come back.