Feb 2 2021
This past weekend we saw Christians family for thr first time in way too long. Being with them brings an immediate sense of fullness in my heart. Even after being away for so long, there is no need to catch up or talk about the stresses of our lives. We are just together, and there is nothing better.
Xavier is seriously the epitome of joy. Pulling him along in his sled, feeding chickens with him.. everything is so exciting to him and his world is so pure. I know that the innocence of children is something special.. it just feels special beyond words when I see it in the eyes of my little nephew.
I have been thinking about having children a lot lately and how worried I am about being a parent. My anxiety has been difficult to cope with some days lately, and it seems the more I have to lose, the more scared I am of losing it. Naturally, this makes me terrified to have children. I imagine myself being so anxious and worrying that Ill pass that on to my kids. Sometimes when I picture having kids, I dont even see myself in the vision- just a shell of myself thats only role is to parent and to be responsible. No playfulness, no time for myself or time with Christian, and a loss of identity. I imagine being a parent as being all consuming- but maybe that is the wrong way to look at it. In the end, I will still be ME. Ill just be me with a child. And it will still be Christian and it will still be us. Our lives will change with having a child, and sure we will change too, but we will still be ourselves and we will still have this foundation. I hope that as long as we prioritize our marriage and our own self identities, that we will be able to fit being parents into that. Our lives together right now are just so good.. I am scared to change it so dramatically. But also simutsneously, so, so excited to have a family together.
We went to the farm to look at the space for our wedding and its made Christian more excited but I am still feeling weary. It is just difficult not knowing how many people we will be able to have, or if we will be able to have the wedding at all. Again I feel I cant complain because I knowlingly decided to plan a wedding during covid. It seems that numbers are slowly starting to decline, so I just hope that it keeps going in that direction.
The next few months there wont be much to do except work as much as I can and save as much money as possible and hope for covid to die down. I was supposed to get my vaccine a few weeks ago, and my appointment was cancelled 12 hrs before my appointment time due to vaccine shortage.. and we have no idea when more vaccine will be available. So now our provincial plan is all being pushed back and is literally just a giant question mark. But what can you do. I will just continue to go to work, distract myself, try to take care of my body and mind, and wait.
















