life as a wife

This past weekend we saw Christians family for thr first time in way too long. Being with them brings an immediate sense of fullness in my heart. Even after being away for so long, there is no need to catch up or talk about the stresses of our lives. We are just together, and there is nothing better.

Xavier is seriously the epitome of joy. Pulling him along in his sled, feeding chickens with him.. everything is so exciting to him and his world is so pure. I know that the innocence of children is something special.. it just feels special beyond words when I see it in the eyes of my little nephew.

I have been thinking about having children a lot lately and how worried I am about being a parent. My anxiety has been difficult to cope with some days lately, and it seems the more I have to lose, the more scared I am of losing it. Naturally, this makes me terrified to have children. I imagine myself being so anxious and worrying that Ill pass that on to my kids. Sometimes when I picture having kids, I dont even see myself in the vision- just a shell of myself thats only role is to parent and to be responsible. No playfulness, no time for myself or time with Christian, and a loss of identity. I imagine being a parent as being all consuming- but maybe that is the wrong way to look at it. In the end, I will still be ME. Ill just be me with a child. And it will still be Christian and it will still be us. Our lives will change with having a child, and sure we will change too, but we will still be ourselves and we will still have this foundation. I hope that as long as we prioritize our marriage and our own self identities, that we will be able to fit being parents into that. Our lives together right now are just so good.. I am scared to change it so dramatically. But also simutsneously, so, so excited to have a family together.

We went to the farm to look at the space for our wedding and its made Christian more excited but I am still feeling weary. It is just difficult not knowing how many people we will be able to have, or if we will be able to have the wedding at all. Again I feel I cant complain because I knowlingly decided to plan a wedding during covid. It seems that numbers are slowly starting to decline, so I just hope that it keeps going in that direction.

It is now ring official. Christian proposed to me on Christmas morning and I have been in bliss the last few days. I didnt think it would make anything feel different, since weve been engaged and wedding planning for a few months now, but something about having the ring on my finger and seeing it on my hand as I go about my day feels so special. It seems to have started to hit Christian too. He said "The ring is so you. Its beautiful and simple and elegant. I didnt ever think I would say that about a ring, but you make it beautiful. It feels special". (yes he really did say that after saying rings are capitalist bs for the last few years.. which is true, but yenno lol)

I want to go back and write about the whole thing, because I dont think I ever wrote on here his original proposal because I wanted to keep it private until the 'ring proposal'. For me, Ive known I wanted to marry Christian since the first Christmas we spent together in 2017. Thats crazy to me because, I thought I knew then, but I have only become more and more confident in that as time as gone on. We are both continously surprised at how as time goes on, our love continues to grow and get deeper. Christian says there wasnt really a specific time for him when he "knew", he said when he first started dating me he thought I could be it for him, and as time went on, he became more and more confident. We started marriage prep workbooks around February of this year which allowed us to realistically think about our future and what marriage means to us in a way that we hadnt thought of before, ans since then have felt ready to take this next step. Ive been hoping to get married on July 2nd next year for quite a while. It works so well because its our dating anniversary and its a Friday, making it an extra long weekend (assuming most people get Canada off, then they just take off the 2nd from work and we have the whole weekend to party). Sometime in August we were talking about the logistics of getting married on that day, and that if we are serious about doing it then that we need to reserve that date given all the wedding craziness thats bound to happen next year with postponed weddings and regular weddings. Then, on September 3rd, we had that conversation again and decided we need to start telling a few people and planning. We were sitting on a park bench near our house eating takeout at sunset when he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. He wanted to do a proper proposal with a ring at a later date. He originally wanted a big, fun proposal that "embarassed me a little bit", and as Ive written here before, his Hamilton proposal was ruined along with a couple other plans that were all ruined by COVID and restrictions.

I was not expecting him to propose on Christmas morning because "christmas proposals are typical and boring" (his words, not mine, i love christmas and christmas proposals). Of course we spent this Christmas alone in our little house, which has been difficult and lonely for us both. We miss our family, a lot. Ive been holding onto the hope of Christmas to get me through the lonlieness of COVID, but when we went into lockdown I knew I had to stay home. Then I just kind of accepted it and started to like the idea of having a quiet, intimate Christmas with just Christmas. And while it has been lonely and sad to just see family through video, it has been so special to spend with just Christian, especially since he decided to propose on Christmas morning.

The days leading up to Christmas were spent with us "going to Norway", where we drove to a secluded airbnb near the mountains in a snowy little cottage. We had a fire, drank, learned all about Norway and cuddled all night. It was amazing. Then, we came back to our house and made Norweigan food and then on Christmas eve we turned our couch into a bed and I turned on my star ceiling projector so that we could "watch the northern lights" as we fell alseep. I woke up on Christmas morning and Christian made us coffee. My ring box was wrapped beautifully in the bottom of my stocking (he said wrapping it was a specia experience for him too) and I started to get excited. I said "Is this my ring!?" and he said "No, sorry its not". It was actually little diamond earrings, but it was from the same place I knew my ring was from. (I picked my ring out). I was still happy, and assumed that was his way of saying ' i have the ring and the proposal is coming, but here are earrings for now'. Then he said "the ring is in my pocket". He took the ring out of his pocket and proposed to me. I dont think I even said yes, I think I said "mmhmm" lol, I was pretty choked up and emotional. I wish I could remember exactly what he said, but the emotions made things hazy. Something along the lines of being by each others side forever, and being together and making each other happy forever. He *tried* to put the ring on my finger but it was a bit tight LOL. I managed to get it on but then needed butter to take it off. It fits perfectly now! But now I know that fingers are more swollen in the morning 😂. As the day went on, it started to sink in for us both, and in Christians words "oh shit, there is a second honeymoon stage". I just want to kiss him all day!! My fiancè!

No words could express the depth of the love and joy I feel in my heart knowing I will be Christians wife, and he my husband. I love him so much! and I will forever!

Well, it is now December. My mind has been all over the place lately and I, like most people I assume, have kind of been struggling. I havent written about it but Christian and I were sued for 18 thousand dollars by an old landlord in damages we didnt commit and have been preparing for a 2 day trial. Its been a year and a half long process, but last week we finally finished out trial. It was incredibely stressful leading up to it, but the trial went very well and I feel proud that I was able to keep my anxiety under control, and when I was on the stand I was able to think clearly and speak calmly. It also was pretty entertaining to see the judge rip apart our old landlord. We wont have an official decision for a few months, so Im sure Ill write something then.

Anyways, we got home from our court battles and I still had some time off work. I knew I was supposed to relax but I feel like I cant. Dont get me wrong I am so relieved that stress is over, but I am still feeling off. I have been off work for over a week now and am going back tonight. Work has been pretty good, I really like a lot of my coworkers but I still get nervous before every shift now that Im back doing labours ans the fear of "what if something goes wrong, what if I dont handle it well". The more I work the more that fear is lessened, but it has been over a week, so I am nervous to go back tonight. Im also getting a lot more nervous about COVID now that Alberta is the hot spot and things are just soo much worse.

I want to spend Christmas with my family so badly. We havent seen Christians family in almost a year, and now were engaged, and I really want to celebrate that with them. I know theyre all so excited. Well see what happens. I am only working the first 12 days this month then took the rest off so that I can isolate completely before hopefully seeing them at Christmas. I think thats what Im most sad about now, and I know were all going through the same thing in that regard. After a hard year for everyone, not being able to see family at Christmas would really make this year suck.. (but i guess were in Alberta, so well probably be allowed to meet them at a casino?)

Our wedding is 7 months away!!! Its actually coming up prettg fast, and Im trying to use that as a light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately I cant really plan until we go to the farm and measure everything out to decide on guest list and the size of tents etc. Another reason I am really hoping we can go up north for Christmas. If we cant then its going to be pretty tough to plan.

Wow, the past few days have felt like a dream. My parents came to visit on Thursday and wedding dress shopping was such a special thing to experience for all of us. It was nice to just relax around the house with them. When we lived in the same city we would just go home at the end of the day to relax but its nice living away because we get to spend a few full days together when they come. Alyssa, David and Sascha joined us last night for thanksgiving dinner. There really is just so much excitement happening for our family right now. Alyssa is soo excited about her engagement and we are really enjoying dreaming and planning about our weddings together... we are getting married 4 weeks apart! Alyssa asked me to be her maid of honor with a cute card and bottle of wine. I asked Sascha to be one of my bridesmaids with a slurpee! I also asked David if he would be the MC at our wedding. And we called Christians mom to tell her were getting married and Christian then tols his brother. I still wish we could have told them in person but it seems like most people know at this point and were getting excited and want to share it with them. Marie was very happy I just cant wait to give her a hug.. so now I think everyone close to us knows. Were still going to keep it off of social media until the proposal. I know this is happening backwards for us, but I love thatChristian still wants to do something special for me rather than just give me the ring. Now they have all left and Im heading into a busy week of work. I feel like all that excitement depleted my dopamine lol. Thats okay. So many exciting things happening in the next 9 months!!

Today was one of the most special days of my entire life. Today I found my wedding dress.

I wasnt expecting to and honestly i didnt want to. I thought id just do the inital shop with my parents to see what style i like and what is in my budget and then i assumed id find THE dress another time. I never really believed that a dress could cause such an emotional reaction or that "when you know you know". Its funny because I never used to believe that about men either and shortly after i started dating christian I just knew.. and same thing with my dress.❤

I think I want to keep my dress private until my wedding day so that everyone can see it for the first time at the same time, but it was really special, and definitely one of the best moments of my life. my parents were with me and my sister was on video chat... here is the whole story:

so we went to the place and my consultants name was Olivia.. she was so nice and made me feel so special the whole appointment. it literally felt like an episode of say yes to the dress, she asked me about myself and mine and christians relationship and then we started looking at dresses. i was overwhelmed and kind of nervous like idk what looks good on a rack but she helped pick out a few, i picked out a couple, and each of my parents picked one. So we go to try the first one on. It wa a crazy feeling being in a wedding dress for the first time.. super surreal. I definitelt had that "first dress feeling" and started to feel emotional. She opened the curtain to show my family and they also thought it was beautiful but didnt have a super emotional reaction. I definitely loved this one and I was thinking throughout most of the appointment that that was the one, or at least something very close to it would be.

So then I tried on the second one which was the one my mom picked out for me. Olivia also said it was a brand new design and dress and no bride had ever tried it on before so that made me feel special. The second dress was what Ive always imagined myself in, but I didnt have as much of an emotional reaction to it, I dont really know why. My mom LOVED it and I loved it too but idk it just wasnt the one? I cant explain it. Looking back at the photos of it it is goregous, but it just wasnt mine. (I know thats silly to say, Im still confused how literal fabric can provoke such emotion) The manager of the store came to see it and all the other consultants and people in the shop came to see me and took pictures they said I was the perfect model for the dress and I was so gorgeous and they just made me feel so special. It was a really fun moment that I will probably remember forever.

After that I tried on a few more dresses that were a lot easier to eliminate. I tried on about 5-6 dresses in total. She asked if i even wanted to bother with trying on the last dress or if I just wanted to put the first two back on and choose between them but I thought whats the harm in trying on the last dress, we may as well just to be sure. Then I tried on the last dress..

I immediately started shaking and feeling overwhelmed with emotion.. It was just so beautiful. It wasnt what I expected myself in but something about it just sparked something in me. My parents both started crying and my sister was SOBBING which made me cry more. It was literally like a movie. I went back and tried the first two on, and the first was made me feel cute and was a fun dress, but I think it was something more my sisters style. The second one qas still gorgeous but for whatever reason just didnt make me feel much. I put the last dress back on and Olivia asked me to close my eyes. She put a veil on me and a bouquet in my hands and asked me to imagine myself walking down the isle and seeing Christian.. and if that is how I wanted him to see me. I really hate getting emotional around people so I definitely tried to conceal, but I think the emotion was pretty clear. It was the one and there was no question about it..

Everything feels real now and I am beyond excited. I have so many thoughts and feelings and its difficult to get them all out.. I might need some time to process and will write more later. It was one of the best days of my life and although I was sad not everyone could be a part of it, it was such a special and intimate experience with my parents and my sister (who, by the way, got engaged last week, and I will write about that later). I cant wait to show the dress to Christian. I cant wait for the day. And I cant believe that something I have dreamed about my entire life is actually happening, and it is better than I ever could have dreamed of.

Christian truly says the sweetest things to me when we are cooking dinner together and over the years Ive gotten used to it, but I want to try to stop and take every moment in. I am so thankful for him.

He followed this line up with a hug and kiss and said "isnt it crazy that when our lips touch we get a surge of dopamine? Like why ?? thats crazy" and "i still think to myself sometimes 'i cant believe im dating rhianne lightfoot'"

Prior to COVID, Christian and I had plans to go to San Diego in late September to party with our friends from the podcast. Today he told me that he was originally planning to propose then and that it was all planned out: Emilio was going to pick up my ring (bc the ring i want is from a jewler in san diego) and bring it back to the house. They were all going to act out the first act of hamilton and he was going to propose at the end of Helpless which is first of all the CUTEST MOST AMAZING THING IVE EVER HEARD. I cried hearing this and initially felt heartbroken that that couldnt happen anymore, and also so shocked that he was planning something so elaborate and perfect. But of course he was planning that. He is always thinking about ways to make me happy; in things as small and simple as trying to make me laugh to bringing a candlelit dinner to mcdonalds. Sometimes the way he looks at me, I can see how much he loves me and I am overwhelmed by love for him. It was so sweet of him to even think of that plan. Its too bad that cant happen, but I know whatever he does it will be special. I am so lucky to have him.

Yesterday was such a fun day! Petra and Tommy drove down to Calgary and we spent the day walking around our dream neighborhood and hanging out at a brewery. The one nice thing about living in a different city than your friends is that when they come to visit we get really nice quality time together. Theyve never really hung out with Christian before either and we just all had a great time. They convinced us to call Grandma Laventure to ask her about using the farm for our wedding, so we called and she said yes ❤ Now I can start booking things which is great.

Now its Sunday and Im resting and prepping for the upcoming week. I started training for labours again and Ill be honest it has been stressful. The staff are very supportive and nothing to crazy has happened but honestly I just feel dumb and I worry that people will think Im dumb, but I think its something Ill be able to get over. I kind of feel like a new grad all over again, but this time at least I am training in a supportive environment. So my anxiety has been pretty high lately in terms of work, and Im just hoping this week goes well.. as its also getting colder and darker outside I can feel my mental health getting a bit more fragile, but I think I just need to keep trekking along and get back into a bit of a routine. Overall though, Im not too sad because I am soaking up all the excitement of marrying Christian and celebrating that with our people.

(photo of us calling Grandma Laventure)

On Sept 5th, Christian went to Toronto and Josh and Helen got married. It sounds like Christian had the time of his life with his two closest childhood friends and his skeptism of the relationship completely disappeared when he saw Josh and Helen together and how happy they were. Getting married 6 months after meeting still seems a little crazy, but if I think about it, I did know aroums the 6 month mark that I wanted to marry Christian and I havent wavered since.. my love has grown a million times deeper since then too. Christian ended up telling everyone at the wedding that we are getting married, and I told Katherine and Maddie already.. so much for us keeping it a secret until the ring comes 😂

I know I will cherish this time for the rest of my life. Christian and I have been talking about how we never expected our love to just keep getting deeper and our relationship to keep getting better and better. I look back on even just a few months ago, and I never thought I could be more in love then but here we are. We both well know that we are in a secone honeymoon phase, were planning a wedding and have just moved to a new city and are seeing our futures together with stars in our eyes. Just blessed beyond belief. I hope and I pray we are able to live a long and healthy life together.

Michelle got married today and I didnt expect to be so emotional. She looked so happy and beautiful. 💗

I havent been in a great mood the last week or so and Christian is going to Toronto next weekend for Joshs wedding and I am sad that I cant be there and also anxious about christian flying (I am terrified of planes and assume he will die). Today Christian completely supported me- supported me to cancel my next shift guilt free and just refresh. We went out and had a picnic in a beautiful little park in downtown and spent all afternoon hanging out and walking around neighborhoods and dreaming about our future. We went home and cooked supper together, walked more theough our own neighborhood as the sun set and came back to cuddle and watch a movie. If we are so lucky as to get a whole lifetime together.. well I dont know what I ever did to deserve that.

I feel blessed.

And I can see that Michelle and Shane are blessed too, and I am thankful that I will never have to worry about Michelle as long as she has Shane.

I'm going to start writing one good thing that happens every day for the month of August and see if it sticks.

But I will start today. Today Christian and I finished hanging all the photos in our house. We made supper together and ate outside. It was really hot out and Stella enjoyed the yard. We really need to get a lawn mower. Christian wants to make a famous youtube channel about the ant colony in our yard lol. Cola was being cute on the kitchen table.

I was expecting to feel very sad and lonely after moving but it hasnt hit me yet. I am just so excited about exploring a new city and decorating our new home. Plus the weather has been decent and I have plans lined up with friends and family for them to come visit. Christian is really enjoying it too. We keep saying this feels like a vacation. Weve been exploring new places on all our days off and I know we are seeing the city through rose colored glasses right now, but at this point we are falling in love with the area and we can both see ourselves planting our roots here for our family.

I swear every house Ive lived in Ive said "no, but THIS house feels like a home" but I really mean it this time 😂 This house has so much potential and seems to be somewhere Id be happy to live for a few years until we eventually buy. There are big windows which the cats love and the walls are yellow toned which makes the house very bright. The cats are loving looking out the windows and we have a fenced yard for Stella to explore.

I just finished my orientation and buddy shifts at the new hospital.. I have nothing bad to say! Everyone has been so welcoming and kind and willing to answer questions. I have been an RN for 2.5 years now and this is my fourth job. I can feel that with each job Ive grown to be more confident in myself and my competency. I feel for any new grads, its really tough to be new and to be thrown into a fast paced environment where other people dont trust your judgement and you yourself dont even trust your judgement. Trust me, IT GETS BETTER! Being back in the hospital is a lot more stressful than public health but I trust my judgement and I know that Im competent now, so Im not scared. At this point I am doing postpartum care and will jump back into labour & delivery in the fall. I am thankful for that, its nice to ease back into hospital nursing. Transitioning from a routine 9-5 mon-fri job to 12 hr shift work is a definitely an adjustment but its not as bad as I was thinking it would be.