Widowed Dad

28 years ago, I married the love of my life. I stood at the alter and saw true beauty and love walking towards me. I was flabbergasted, speechless, and dumfounded. How could a beautiful angel like her fall in love with a dirty boots, southern cowboy like me? 

I was scared shitless and I felt more like a boy, unsure of what to do. Dad had mentioned the feeling but I didn’t understand until I stood there, staring at her as she walked towards me.

Today was supposed to be a happy day. Today was supposed to be the day I leave work early, surprise you with some silly orchids and take you to your favorite dinner spot, your favorite dessert place, your favorite walk. No kids, just us. Today was supposed to be a celebration of us. 

Instead, I ache the sharpest pain, right from my chest. I sent out for orchids for you, with some wine and your favorite cookies to be placed by your grave. Instead, I long for you and I ache for us. I ache, and ache, and ache.

Grief is not a walk in the park. Nor is it a stroll. It's a run at the beach. The traction of the sand will weigh you down. At times there is less traction. Other times you feel as if your feet can't ever get out of the sand.

One of the toughest part about grief...is observing your loved ones go through it and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it to help. You can feel and hear their heart break, you can feel the sting they feel, you can feel their grief. Yet, there is nothing that can be done.

You wait. You offer the (little) difference that you will be there when they are ready, then let grief call the shots.

Just discovered this song. Great work by so many amazing artists. 

Spending Thanksgiving alone. Turned music on so I do not have to be alone with my thoughts. Beneath the worry, the stress, the Monster, however, I know that I am loved by many. I am one lucky man.

There are plenty to be thankful for, not because today is Thanksgiving but thankful because of the blessings I’ve had. Thankful to my Principessa, who loves me just the way I am. Thankful to my parents, for they have immense love for their children and grandchildren. Thankful to my wife and our lives together, no matter how short, it was more than I can ever ask for. Thankful to my all of my children, whom are growing up so fast, I hope they learn to cherish the time they have now.

Just thinking about their smiles bring one to my face. Not a bad way of spending Thanksgiving.