Life on the Inside

A week out from ASD/Asperger’s testing, and I’m still a bit bewildered by the sheer volume of data they collected. A user on Reddit recently inquired in the r/Aspergers subreddit what sorts of tests, questionnaires, and activities were involved in testing, and, while it seems to vary to some degree from one testing center to the next--and likely from one country to another--it seems that the standard expectation is for questions about your social skills, cognitive tests to determine skills and IQ, and the occasional activity to see how you function in action.

My test ran just over four hours. It would have been a longer set had I taken a break, but I had prepared to go for the long haul by packing snacks and water. My experience was a bit unique in that I had a PhD psychologist along with a PhD student who was earning his clinical hours. I worked thus with two specialists, both of whom were not only knowledgeable but knew how to communicate with individuals on the spectrum. The patience in listening, the careful explanations, even the manner in which they occasionally redirected me to do what they needed for proper assessment--it all translated to understanding the group with whom they worked most closely. And that made the entire process all the more comfortable for me.

The battery started with a pattern re-creation exercise where I was shown graphical representations of designs and then asked to recreate them with colored blocks. I was timed each turn, and the difficulty grew until I was unable to recreate the last challenge. Frustrated, I asked for clarification on the parameters of the test and was met with vague instructions, which I assumed meant they were also testing me on how I solved the problem. I didn’t solve it, so we moved on to the next test.

Identifying the next item in a pattern is something I enjoy doing, and the pressure of the environment didn’t change this aspect for me; however, there were several for which I simply guessed in the test set. We pushed through them all regardless. Next was describing the meaning or features of various words. They grew in complexity as we went along, and as a linguist by training, I found the activity to be a fun challenge. But that was the end of the IQ portion as far as I could tell, which I thought odd. No math or calculations. No qualitative analysis at all. Just logic and verbal skills, which I suppose match ASD cognitive qualities.

Then came the questions interspersed with activities. The questions and topics were conversational and lent themselves to more open-ended discussions. Tell me about your friendships and relationships. What things to people do that irritate you? Describe what you do to relax. How do you feel in social situations? Tell me about your job and career. The psychologist seemed to understand a great deal of what I mentioned, as if he’d heard it multiple times before.

These questions and discussions were interspersed with activities to, as they phrased it, “get to know you better.” In one instance I was asked to use random objects to create a story; in another I was asked to stand up and retell a very short story I had just read but in my own words. In one I found very odd, I was asked to instruct the proctor on how to perform a common activity as if he’d never been taught how to do it. Each of these was extremely awkward for me, and though I occasionally thought I knew what they were assessing, I often finished the activity thinking they had been assessing something else entirely.

The final set was over 400 statements that I had to rank. Some were how well they applied to me. Others were how long, if at all, the statements had applied. Several questionnaires were on paper but a good portion was on the computer. What energy I had left was sucked out of me by the last bit, and I was extremely relieved when they announced the testing was complete.

To get a better sense of who I was, though, they did ask if they could contact my parents and my husband. I learned afterward that the discussion with my mother was to learn about any developmental issues I had experienced as a child, while the questionnaires they sent my husband were similar to those I had filled out, we presume for comparison with my own perception of my personality and habits.

That’s what the scheduler said when she called after the consultation. And so I have a 4-hour ADS/Asperger’s Syndrome testing session scheduled for tomorrow morning.

Immediate concerns my brain tries to process:

I wonder what the testing environment will be like. I should take a jacket and my migraine medication just in case.

The testing session will run through lunch. I’ll need to pack a large water bottle and snacks to keep me from getting irritable.

I should see if anyone has information online about the types of tests. No, wait. I shouldn’t so I don’t stress about preparing. But that might help me feel more prepared...

I wonder if they’ll let me use my earbuds while doing tests so I’m not distracted.

I have a consultation in an hour to talk about receiving an Asperger’s Syndrome evaluation. I’m nervous about not knowing what to expect, which doesn’t let me plan well, and have a fear that the specialist will ask a few questions and then close her file with a shake of her head. “Nope, not this one,” she’ll say. “Maybe consider this instead?”

For nearly a year I’ve been wondering how I relate to this sort of diagnosis. It’s weird to think that I would go out of my way to research something of this nature in an attempt to figure out why I’m so different than others in certain parts of life, but the old mindset of waiting for a professional to point out that a diagnosis is a possibility faded with the advent of virtual sharing. Now it’s a matter of hearing others’ stories and reading resources that before the internet would not have been readily available. It’s the age of self-diagnosis.

I know I’m more on edge this morning than usual, can feel it in my muscles, and it’s coming out in multiple ways. Another sensory overload with the dog, and I had my head under a pillow with the door shut trying to get the world to be quiet. But if anything, that felt a little reassuring. Most people don’t understand that sensation. They simply tell you to turn down the volume. But how do you turn down the volume on the world?

I can’t, and that makes me feel a little more confident that perhaps this consultation and assessment is moving me in the right direction.

It’s been a bit of an overwhelming few days, with some anxiety and what I’m starting identify as further indicators of Asperger’s Syndrome. But today’s issue is sound sensitivity.

I mean, damn. I woke up fine and had one instance of a loud noise that turned my inner volume up all the way! From that moment on it was a burning in my ears like a fever and every single noise was at the edge of my canal trying to compete for room.

The worst of it, aside from actual discomfort in my ears, is the twitching. I’ve twitched for years when anxiety is high or certain situations occur. It comes out as a tight turn of the neck of fall of the head, or occasionally it look like a muscle spasm in my face, always accompanied by my eyes shutting tightly. It’s very uncomfortable and embarrassing in public, but it has become more common with noise issues.

And today it came out full force. Thankfully I was able to take time in the quiet time reset afterward, but even then I was hearing noises across the house. And the almost raw sensation has stayed in my ears all day.

I’m thankful I was able to stay home today with a chill day of quiet time and rain for a soothing rhythm. But the experience really drove home my desire to get Asperger’s testing finished to see what sort of answers it might reveal.

I only recently started therapy for OCD and am beginning to wonder if several areas that I once thought were separate are actually part of the same. Social anxiety, sensory overload, generalized anxiety, inability to have small talk or conversations with strangers, texture sensitivity, and so much more have defined my life for so long that it’s starting to create a picture that I once thought was just a set of mismatched puzzle pieces.

Just the thought of starting the process to see if this helps me identify parts of who I am as relating to each other as one aspect is exciting. But it’s also a tad overwhelming to not know how it’s going to go. I might have thought I finally found where I belong and it comes out that I was wrong.