e.𓂃⋆.˚

2.2

last night i had such a nice time with the boy i like, that was soon followed by post hangout anxiety and analysis of every weird thing i said and did and wondering if i ruined it all. there is no evidence to support that i did but still i feel like i am being lied to because im traumatized from past people.

anyways tho, i really like this guy and i hope he is starting to like me to despite my peculiar personality. otherwise some small goals i accomplished this week i actually walked like i said i would everyday! i rewarded myself with spending 100 dollars on drugs 🙂‍↕️ so worth it i needed it.

i got a new book i need to start reading soon, i got it because a lot of people say its very wrll written but tbh im going in blind i have nonidea what its about, its called the bell jar.

since this week is my heavy work week i must be nice to myself and if i am tired i do not need to push myself as i am already doing a lot at work. im working on things in therapy and i am gonna ask about maybe a PRN anxiety med so i can control when i start to spiral and stop it before it gets bad because sometimes it starts to feel debilitating and i start doing self destructive and self sabotaging behaviors and im trying so hard to be mindful and stop but sometimes i feel so helpless.

work was hard last week becausd there was something that happened on monday that had made me extremely anxious and i started to have a panic attack and cry because of the way i was treated and the things i was asked to do, it was very hard start but the rest of that day was better once i had gotten over the hump.

i have been doing well with my finances i have a plan set in place for paying odd my credit cards im so exicted for payday.

i love to yammer and word vomit, i dont care if anyone sees this i just need to get this all off my chest. i have such strong feelings i feel with my whole heart and i just need somewhere to vent about how much things effect me because they do effect all of me.

gotta keep reminding myself this time will pass to help ease the pain of knowing i probably just gained 10 pounds back in 1 day that took me 2 weeks to lose.

but its true

everytime i fin dsomething i like i always find the fandom rather,,, opposite to me. like i like this concept or aesthetic of something and i see the fandom likes way different shit from me like i shouldnt/wouldnt be a fan of it cuz people usually have similar interests to each other if they like a specific sometimes niche thing,, idk sometimes i feel like im not allowed to like something if im not like everyone else who also likes that thing

....does that make sense