I'm Your Paradise

19 Years of surviving the roller coaster ride of life. 

It’s been 19 years since I’ve managed to get out of my mother’s womb and cry, a sign that I’m alive, I’ve been named “Krizza” since then. 

Years have passed and so did my age. 

Now, I’m down on the last “teen” year of my life, and there are still many firsts for me to experience, explore. 

It’s been 19 years and until now I see my future in a blur however, I know that as days pass, I will come to have a concrete vision of what I want to be. 

Perhaps a simple “I want to be happy and live without debts” is too vague yet I still continue to believe in this philosophy thus, pushing me to do better. 

It’s been 19 years and since then, I’ve experienced things that might be bizarre to others or same. 

I’ve experienced being left by fake friends, crying in front of true friends, argue with parents or sibling, do badass things and such. 

There may be times when I regret being alive yet I’m still thankful because I get to experience the beauty of happiness, sadness, anger, pain, fear, hopelessness and love. 

I owe my life to God and my parents. 

To my parents and sister who supported me and argued with me, I wouldn’t have known what I want to do with my life. 

To true friends who patted my back when I’m doing good or asked why am I sad. 

To fake friends who told me that they’ll always be my friends and vanished like thin air. 

To people who get in my nerves everyday. 

To people who encouraged me, even though they’re my acquaintances. 

To my idols who inspired me.

To my school uniform that will have the honor to spend my birthday with them.

Three cheers for living a crazy life!

Lately, I’ve been thinking about things a lot. I’ve been analyzing my feelings, my life and the people around me. But then, as I was in deep thoughts, some things came in to me - first, I cannot recognize myself anymore. I cannot confirm what I feel, what my real goals are and whom I would want to be with. I’m confused because for the past few years, I think the events are either happening too fast or too slow that I cannot fix my system anymore. What’s worse is, I’m nearing the adult stage and I still cannot figure out how to live with my life. I want things however, I do not know how to get those. Second, I’ve come to ponder that I am mixing my feelings with something else. It’s as if I miss someone, I view the profile and get jealous or whatever and thought that maybe I’m falling, again, but when I get the chance to see that person personally, I do not feel anything at all, not even attachment. Lastly, I feel so empty and lonely. I know I have family and friends but there are bad times and whenever I get into arguments with them, a presence of a friend wouldn’t suffice. I don’t know, I’m really depressed because I think I’m such an unattractive person that everyone seem so distant to me. I’m not ranting just because I need a lover, no. It’s just so sad and frustrating to think that you’re doing what you can to tame yourself, to calm down and compromise. I know that I shouldn’t be complaining because hey, you cannot please everyone, but it’s just too tiring to be rejected over and over. Rejected through verbal or actions, either way, it hurts too much. Some are annoying you with demands and shit but when you try to meet their expectations, you get spurned and that’s bullshit.

My blog is updated 4 months ago. Yes :))

too busy with damn school works but I see no one missed me ouch </3 lol