safe haven

Idk how to start this, really, but here I go.

About a year ago, we met on a mental health support app. My lil sis said I should try this app, maybe it could help me with my mental issues. It has a support group. Random people, really safe cos it doesn't have profiles whatsoever. You can just post anything you like, or anything you want to talk/rant about. I met this guy. It's the first post I saw on the app, so I said, 'why not try making friends? And show support to people who are struggling too?', so I left a comment there. I wanted to be friends with him at first cos I though his name's so cool and so unique.

Fast forward, eventually, we became more than friends. We never thought it could actually happen cos it's our first time to have a virtual long-distance relationship and I'm not going to lie, it was hard. There would be times when I would miss him a lot that I just cry. I can't hold him, kiss him, hug him. We never had a big fight before until the last one. The love that we had is magical, rare, that kind of love where you don't want to sleep anymore cos reality is finally better than your dreams. It's the kind of love that's so strong, you could do anything together, get through anything together.

Idk if we still have chance left. Idk if we could still fix it. After everything that has happened, after everything I've done, Idk anymore. I ruined it. We had so many plans together. I want to make so many good memories with him. I haven't met him yet but this is the worst heartbreak of my life ever. I still love him so much but Idk how to fix myself anymore. Idk how to not lose him. Idk how to approach him like I used to before. It's like all of a sudden, I became incapable of the things I used to do for him. It felt like, I don't have the rights anymore. I just lost him. Just like that. Maybe we got lost in translation or maybe I just asked for too much. Idk really. I hope we could still fix it, I could still fix it.

Life has changed so much for me ever since I got this job. I remember, I was too afraid to accept this offer cos I was too afraid to lose him. I know my world would change. And this is what's happening right now. If he was in my shoes, he'd def understand. I hope he could still understand. This is may be a wishful thinking but I hope he could still give me a chance to redeem myself. I hope he could still give me a chance to love him all over again. He's the love I've always wanted to have in my life and I know we have always been meant for each other ever since. That's what I have always believed in.

I just have to fix myself first. So, finally, I could be right for him again. I feel so stressed out. Thoughts, emotions, responsibilities, work, they're all over the place.

I just hope... that's all I could do now. Hope.

If you're reading this now, please remember, that I love you. Always will.