YAMI

you shall go through phases

of light, of dark

and of everything in between,

and though you may not always appear with the same brightness,

you are always, always, WHOLE.

if you have the audacity to say those kind of things

a couple days ago i had a fight with my partner and i said a lot of mean things i didn’t mean to. i was full of rage but as the day was ending i went to see him. he hugged me and i melted. i apologized for hurting him.

“we hurt each other unintentionally” is what he said and it struck to me. he was right we both hurt each other without knowing and end up fighting. i’m glad i made up with him that day too.

unfortunately, my day ended up being fine but his. didn’t. he had another issue that i can’t be a help of.

it has been two?three days? maybe more, i lost count, since we conversed properly. it hurts, a lot. but what can i do? i’m just a twenty three year old girl living with her parents with absolutely no freedom and is reviewing for her board exam. there wasn’t really anything i could do for him. i cant go to him, do you expect me to go to him in the middle of the night to console him? as much as my heart desire to, I CAN’T. 

good thing he had friends that can listen to him and be with him. it is a good thing right? but why do i feel so envious? why do i feel so left out? i wanted to be the one consoling him, the one he shares his problems, his laughter, to be by his side until everything is okay. fck. just fck my life.

i’ve been feeling so tired physically, mentally, and emotionally. what a great combination isn’t it. tired from my effing errands yesterday and i think my bloody ass strong pain reliever still has its effects on me until now (it made me vomit last night too, my hotshots all wasted). i slacked off from reviewing today, i just slept the whole fcking day. my partner’s been updating me which i appreciate but all i could say was “okay love, i love you more” and thats it very unusual of me. 

then i realized what i was feeling, what i actually am. i am a jealous selfish bitch who wants her partner all by herself and want to be included all the time and fix others problem so she will feel better too. thats who i am. am i proud of it? no, of course not, thats why i am writing this sht as post for me to realize what i really am (writing is my coping mechanism im sorry guys)

i cant accept the fact that my partner after so many yrs has friends to rely on that arent my friends as well. that he’s able to laugh again because of them and on those days that we havent been talking he was with them. i havent seen him for months, i havent been able to vidcall with him, talk to him, spend time with him virtually while they were. i fcking envy them, i am the girlfriend but i am absent on his difficult time i dont even know what the problem is and i respect him if he cant tell me right now because we have our own fcking problems we want to deal with by ourselves. but since i am a selfish bitch i always wanna know i wanna know i want to be there i want to be the shoulder he cries on i want to be the one he’s with drinking his night away. but im not, and its never gonna be me unless i leave this fcking house. right now, its just not me. and i have to accept that but it doesnt me i cant be hurt because i accepted it right?

oh and i just remembered, i wrote him a fcking letter last night, it was national boyfriends day yesterday right? i dont know if he even noticed or if he appreciated it. i know its not the right time to think about it like the person’s having personal problems and im gonna put that fcking letter and fcking sumone first? i’m not dumb but again it doesnt mean i cannot get hurt.

HAPPIEST BIRTHDAY MY LOVE

SEE YOU SOONEST

was devastated and sad for quite some time

we all had an unstable state of mind

but finally, a miracle

WE ALL MADE IT, no one was left behind

thanks G, i cannot thank you enough for this good news

one of the happiest day of my life <3