thinking about how the highly coveted "leviticus but from ryan's pov" is lowkey ryan just going through the horrors of Does My Situationship Like Me Back. like it gets hidden under his macho demeanour + how forward he is initiating kissing & sex but ryan is so clearly insecure that naim's feelings aren't returned (at least with the same intensity) for basically the entire run time of the film. we don't get to see how long he's been crushing before their first kiss at the mill, but we hear through their conversation afterwards that it's ryan that intiated bringing naim there, which makes me suspect ryan maybe had his eye on naim for a while..
like . ryan is palming naim through his jeans all of 2 seconds after their first kiss unabashedly eager, but then naim catches their reflection, panics and pulls away, and ryan is left painfully confused. bc naim was very into it at first (whimpering and moaning into ryan's mouth just from a kiss levels of into it), and even though he stopped before they went further he wasnt mad because they were bantering afterwards?? ryan knows naim is definitely attracted to him at least, but does he like him back?
so he brings naim to the mill the second time, lights a joint to loosen him up, and asks him in the bravest way he can manage. so there's nothing you like about this place? and though it leads into another kiss (and maybe more that we didn't get to see), naim kind of never properly answers the question. in fact, his playful avoidance could've even thrown ryan off further. nah, he says. nothing. clearly from the way naim leans in and kisses him again he's full of shit, but does he just like what they're doing because ryan is a boy? or because it's ryan?
a lot of people take ryan hooking up with hunter as a marker of ryan not caring for naim or placing little value on their relationship but i think it's actually the total opposite. to me, ryan is the one thinking he's placing way too much value on his budding relationship with naim and he's horrifically insecure bc he believes naim isn't doing the same. though we as the audience experience this from naim's pov and thus our knee-jerk reaction is to interpret it as naim does—ryan "cheating" on him and therefore not being serious abt him—im growing more convinced that from ryan's pov, he feels that naim is the one just having fun. again this is only my interpretation but i feel like there's SO much that points to ryan yearning so fucking hard and feeling like naim does not return his feelings with the same intensity. but since he's too caught up in his masculine performance and the Being A Teenager of it all he refuses to be vulnerable and just ask. So he's left feeling lost about whether or not the intensity of his feelings are returned. ++ the fact that what he has with naim is so different than what he's ever had with anyone before—a gentle and tender intimacy he never believed he was deserving of, he's extra terrified of it being one sided, because where would that leave him? what if for naim, ryan is just fun fooling around? what if by asking for more ryan scares him off? so when hunter, violently familiar, comes knocking and wants to pick up where they left off, of course he lets it happen.
then the ritual. ryan locking eyes with naim as he's twitching vomiting choking on the floor only to later encounter entity naim without knowing it's entity naim and quietly accepting naim's sudden uncharacteristic violence bc if means he can still have even a shadow of the tenderness they had before then he'd let naim do whatever he wanted to him. but forgive me i cannot sink my teeth into all of That right now or this post will be a million fucking words so allow me to jump to post jessica convo. they're in the bus digesting the fact that they'll probably have to deal with this thing for the rest of their lives. ryan is listening to naim immediately jump to well, guess ill leave town, and ryan is trying and failing not to let that cut deep bc how can naim be so quick to drop everything and leave bandee behind? so quick to wipe his hands clean of this town and everything in it, of him? ryan can't help it. "don't go" he says, feeling naim slipping through his fingers, mortified by how that is what terrifies him more than anything else. but then naim responds: "i hate that shit hole anyway". and obviously he's not trying to be unkind but how is that supposed to make ryan feel?? how is he not supposed to take that as him not meaning as much to naim as naim does to him?
even with the confirmation that naim's entity looking like him which means his feelings are a least slightly returned, ryan can't help but feel hurt and a little bitter that naim is so quickly scared away from what they have. he doesn't fault him for this of course, but how else is he supposed to feel when even though naim clearly feels something for him, he's not willing to fight for it? because ryan likes naim so fucking much!! he's just learnt that this thing following him might never leave him be, that for the rest of his life he will be on guard, but the craziest thing about all of it is that he doesn't fucking care!! all he wants is for naim to stay by his side and like him back. he gets a bit of relief through naim responding to his advances on the bus and obviously enjoying it, but then later, when ryan cheekily invites him into the bathroom, he doesn't realise until the blood is pouring down his neck that the kiss he'd just received was a lie and naim let his fear get in the way again.
the iconic "i don't want it to look like some other dickhead, i want it to look like you." is ryan's final desperate plea. this is him finally laying it all out, and taking the leap. and god what a scene!!! the fact he bitterly stormed off after naim tells him he's given up and is planning to leave, but turns back around bc he can't let him go. that even though naim is turned away he can't bring himself to look at his back, keeps his eyes on the ground, hands in his pockets, voice pitched high and on the verge of breaking. for ryan this isn't just about being openly gay, it's about being with naim. i like you, ryan is telling him. if i have to live with this thing, i wouldn't want it to have the face of anybody else. if i have to live with the oppression and hate that come being who i am, i want to do it with you, naim. you and no one else.
then all the shit with izzy happens, and ryan learns the truth. and of course it hurts, of course he's angry. but if anything, he's more angry at himself because he still fucking loves him! he stops the car, waits for naim to climb in and drives him all the way home. and the entire time his eyes stay firmly on the road because he can hear naim's tears and knows if he sees them then he'll break. it won't be me. it'll never be me. he says as his last words. a promise to himself as much as it is to naim, because maybe naim was right. maybe they're only making things worse.
but then the entity comes, and the second he sees naim's sweet face and big wet eyes begging for his forgiveness, ryan folds. and he knows he's being tricked even as it's happening, but that's the point of all this isn't it? to be lured in by somebody you can't refuse? he knows it's not really him before the touch turns violent, but ryan whelan is a moth, and naim reid is the brightest, most beautiful flame.
he makes it through the night by some miracle, bloody, bruised and hollow. his eyes fix on the horizon in a thousand-yard stare, unable to burn away the image of naim's throat splitting under his folding knife, blood spilling over his fingers like water. it'd grinned at him as his knife hit bone, metal grinding against vertebrae. more blood bubbled over naim's lips, bared teeth stained with red as it laughed up at him, the sound wet and horrific. at some point it stopped trying to kill him, knowing that the worst it could do had already been done, naim's eyes going colourless as ryan pulled the knife free and staggered away covered in blood that nobody else could see.
he doesn't remember packing the bag. doesn't remember walking to the bus stop. his phone rings but he doesn't answer. he doesn't do anything but keep his eyes on the gravel and wait for the bus that will take him away from this place and the invisible blood on this hands.
and then a familiar face, one he saw cry and bleed and die the night before. he should run, but he's frozen, entranced by him just like he was the first time naim reid walked into year 11 maths what feels like years ago.
please tell me its really you. and people sidle off the bus and pass between them, angling their bodies away from naim so they don't collide. naim nods, eyes shining with tears, and ryan knows then, that what he feared wasn't returned is felt by naim ten fold.
