Whatever's Inside

The final moment of adulting glory You were raised for this, year after year Born, fed, grown, taught, and off you go

"When you get your own house you'll see!"

I frankly expected a much better feeling Or at least a more honest pat on the back One proud parent would suffice For a change none of us ever thought would be easy

Tell me I've earned it, father Tell me you're proud of me, mother I wanted to start a family just like you Build my life my way with whom I love

Was I short sighted not to expect this Feeling of abandonment and disappointment Maybe you felt it too? And your parents? Should I still lay under your wings?

I hope one day you can take the time To see the walls I've painted Pictures framed hanging The happiness I wished to share

But I'll always hide this unkind sadness Plaguing myself for two years past Waiting to welcome you into my home Like you once welcomed a little me

I know, sister

Thirty minutes by car

Is a bit too far

Isn't it?

When I was in your shoes

I'd given up too

Choose my warm blankets

I just wish you knew already

What I've been planning

For this whole month (or year)

Please know that in two months (or so)

I may not be thirty minutes, but hours,

Thirty hours away from you

and hundreds of dollars

Know that I'll see you

But only every year, maybe

I'll miss you so fucking much

And you might miss me too

Let us be birds together

Standing tall, in a strong tree

We sleep together in each other's warmth

You sing to me in the rising sun

Push your head against me

I clean and protect your feathers

Two birds, one with everything

And our feathers, always warm

I thought leaving home to have my own would also leave problems behind. They did, but stood there with the same people who were part of it. I guess I didn't think about how this would play out.

Leaving home, your heart fills with hope, happiness and expectations. Indeed, I am probably happier than ever with myself and my choices. Still, that part that was left behind, though I know feel less anger, though I know feel a need to reconcile my past, this past does not understand my departure.

The departure of course, or rather, the need for it, arose from the existing frictions in the first place. Thus, only going back to solve them will, probably, make it up to those whom I left behind - to follow myself.

I miss you

Do you miss me too?

When all this

Is through

I'll come get you

Lay you in

Within me

Come soon

I miss you

Do you miss me too?

We only noticed it when

We were suddenly locked

With time back in our hands

Remote work made its way in

We learned flexible work

Talk a bit, water your plants

Work with someone you love

Find a new home farther away

Now the normal office takes a peek

It creeps back into our lives

When we were just getting to like

Or, at least, to accept a different schedule

Here we go back to office hours

Commute time, or elongated work hours

Wake up, work, watch Netflix, sleep

For some, it may be fine or better

"I can't wait to get out of home"

You know... Of all ways to get out of home

Go for a run, walk the block, see friends,

See a loved one, travel (with work)

The last one I needed was... To work.

She's got nothing for me

But dead silence

Her head works nonstop

Thinking and overthinking

Nothing comes out of her mouth

The ears listen quietly

Expressions remain unchanged

My words don't matter anymore

But they did yesterday

Back when it all started

Words matter when they harm

But not when they try to repair

Painful feelings matter

Good ones don't ever

Or so it seems

I feel like my darkest worst days

I am sure she does, too

I want to apologize, I try and behave

She wants me to? Maybe?

Still, nothing

Just deaf silent treatment

Everyday is the same

I feel annoyed and annoying

Like I don't belong here

Nor am wanted here

Nor want to be here

Yet, here I am

Everything stresses me out

I don't know why it is anymore

Is it me, this house, these people

Is it my life, my head, my blood

I have plans that demand this from me

Stay here for just one more year

Hold yourself together for little more

Be brave, but also mind your mind

I hope when the times comes

I need not one more day here

Longer than I expect to

We are finally here

Things are coming together

Smoothly, we settle in

We've got enough food

More time and space

Than we ever wanted

Life here with her feels good

Time moves slow

There is a lot of it

Aa much as plans together

This is an adventurous experience

One we waited dearly for so long

That will hopefully be fine

This moment, here and now

This beautiful sunset we watch

Feels like a closing chapter

The long book of our lives keeps on

We've had several chapters so far

The one where we meet

But lose touch with each other

The one where we meet again

In tough times in our lives

Our paths cross shortly

Without quite splitting far apart

This one that now closes wisely

As we have had our time together

Shared loving and kind memories

And plan things that come next

Now, we know what and how want

We have our neat little plan in front of us

We don't know when or how it will unfold

We hope to be together in this

Here is to the adventures

In this next one chapter

Of many that went

With someone else

And still

I am sure

When I leave for good

Even if for only one in many days

We wanted her to enjoy those years The last quarter of her life But they became her final years Soon realized barely-there-years

Seing people go is usually painful But especially when time was never there When it seems all was a flash to the eyes Of an old body, of a life unlived

And so near to the living part of it Taken away when was almost given Not much was left after, maybe just

Barely-memories of lost days with work Spare lunches or sleep-overs in family A deep motivation to make and fix things The knowledge to do just different than the rest

It is with unfortunate sadness But fortunate ability to learn As If I knew anything, I ponder about life That everything not lived will be lost.

My father asks where she works

My mother asks if she is fine

My father asks if she has a degree

My mother wonders when we will travel together

My father worries if she is looking for a better job

My mother tells me to invite her to dinner again

Two people on different spectrums

Mother and father

Heart and Brain

Care for people and care for money

I was raised, luckily, by love

As a man, I need no part in his world

For that is not a live worth living in

If only money matters this much

Like a couple of eagles I wish we could fly away Up and high above the sky To see all that is beautiful Every tree, animal, sea Every sunset and sunrise Feathers flapping slow Towards the blue infinity.

Todas as coisas que fazemos Certas, incertas ou erradas Voltam para nos cobrar no futuro As decisões certas tomadas Mesmo quando pareciam erradas Como terminar com sua amada Ao se sentir preso e abusado As decisões erradas tomadas Mesmo quando pareciam certas Como começar algo Que jamais deveria ter sido As decisões incertas tomadas Que você não sabe se queria Mas Alguém sinalizou que deveria Talvez Alguém tenha decidido por ti E você passaria meses e anos Se perguntando se assim tinha que ser. Se as coisas foram relativizadas pra você Se Alguém era mesmo honesto e justo Como você um dia acreditou Tarde, não adianta saber mais Que se foi o melhor que poderia ter sido O melhor pode ter sido suficiente pra você Mas a vida cobra por tudo, com juros E você vai pagar à prazo novamente

Problemas passados Inpensados Presentes Permanentes

Dívida sobre dívida De vida em vida Pagamos por aquilo que cultivamos E por aquilo que cultivaram de nós

Seremos todos culpados Ou seremos inocentes Pelos resultados eternos De ações presentes.