[personal]

It's been 2 years and I'm over it

Anyways. We aren't the same people we were then so fuck it, I'm not about that shit so I forgive you

But I forget you

without announcing it to yourself

can u remember the last time u took credit

for the energy you bring

or gave thanks

for the energy you borrow

can u remember mapping out your planets and being proud

to have found an excuse

So I lived with this bitch for 3 years and we always had a weird sort of friendship. Like sometimes we could be very close and understanding w/ each other and it was lovely and other times I felt very secretly judged or hated for things that in retrospect I could have done better or differently but that definitely didn’t warrant the kind of vibes I got in response - vibes I should have paid attention to but chose to ignore for the sake of avoiding confrontation.

Anyways, shortly after I moved in my grandpa passed away and I inherited some of his belongings, my favorite of which was his Norfolk Island pine tree. Well I loved this fucking tree and tried my best to take care of it, but it either didn’t get adequate sunlight in my room or couldn’t stand the cold winters or I over watered it or something because it eventually started to turn brown and shrivel up and die. I was so torn up over it and ashamed that I had let my grandpa’s tree die that I couldn’t look at it anymore in my room but I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away or otherwise get rid of it, you know? So I put it on our front porch where it no doubt looked very sad and ugly and was a constant reminder of both my dead grandfather and of my own irresponsibility. But I needed it there.

So the roommate turned out to be a lying, manipulative, truly terrible person and when shit finally hit the fan and I realized I needed to cut her out, I decided to renew the lease without her. This is where things get confusing, because I can’t know whether it was her or someone else who was helping her move out of the apartment who did this fucked up thing that has me seething tonight.

All I know is that when I came home after she was gone, I found my grandpa’s dead Norfolk Island pine tree lying sideways in the grape bush next to our front steps, its pot cracked completely in two, its soil spilling out onto dead leaves, as if someone had casually tossed it over the edge of our second story porch to make room for - good riddance - some furniture to be carried down.

*angrily slams the reblog button on vague works of art so that ur blog ‘matches’ as if this somehow makes u deep nd profound*

HAHAHA 

I’ve stopped fighting this bitterness

I let myself feel it because it burns and I’m SO GLAD TO HATE YOU 

for everything you did without apologizing for, for every moment you were fake to me, for every ounce of your life that you love but don’t deserve

I’ll never know how she could forgive you, I guess she’s bigger than me

And your mom was right when she defended you: 

i have no place, 

i’m not god, 

i don’t get to judge what you’ve earned 

or what you’ve taken without asking

But your sense of entitlement is ASTOUNDING

Your eagerness to reward yourself for getting away with lies is ENRAGING

when i finally stood up for myself

cut the mess that is you

out of my life

and moved on 

you can still somehow believe that it was you

who held all the power

who did the cutting out

who moved on

laughable how 

you’re so avoidant of your own “attitude problems”

you’re content to call out mine

you’re so wannabe deep

you make vague-posts about my vague-posts

think yourself above and below me

view me as a shallow pool

when i’ve proved to you time and again

the reaches of my deep end 

my friends always tell me they “miss” me and “we should hang out soon!” and “let’s chill sometime,” yet i never get invited to hang or hit the bar with them on saturday nights... i wasn’t even included in the joint birthday celebration when it was my birthday last weekend too

and i shouldn’t even be sad about it because i wanted to stay in tonight anyways and be an introvert and listen to tha cure but hey, i can’t help but see the snaps and tweets of everyone hanging out w/o me and it’s the worst feeling. i know it’s not even personal, like it probably all just happened randomly that they all ended up together... but i just feel left out and forgotten and lonely

and it’s not even like i click with them anymore on an intuitive level... (no one is as goth as me, or as into tha cure as me, ha) so am i really sad about these friends who aren’t even my friends? 

yah, yes i am. cuz without them i guess i don’t have anyone at all

i guess i have nothing to offer them anymore

just fucking peachy.

did i mention i hate living with Gemini?

why did i agree to this again?

the worst part is knowing that he doesn’t honestly give a shit about waking me up so rudely… that they’re probably in there laughing about it together. i can feel ya bad vibes through the walls bro - u know they're thin!

Get your shit together and realize that there are people whose lives are contingent upon you being an adult and following through on your promises. 

It’s not all up in the air for everyone else.