olivia

I really hate the fact that I can only rely on music to get me through the day, that only two songs can keep me hanging on for a couple more days when I am ready to end it all. Not even the thought of leaving my family, friends, or animals phases me anymore. The thought of never hearing those two songs again, hurts me more than anything. I wish it wasn't this way. I should feel absolutely horrible when these thoughts creep their way into my mind and the only thing that keeps me hanging on to my life is those two songs that mean so much more to me than the people in my life which is so selfish of me but I can't help it. I don't know why, I wish I did though. I wish I could stop the way I think or hang onto meaningless things when I have so many people I could cling onto when things get rough instead of two songs that don't do anything but numb the pain for about 6 minutes all together.

So many years have gone by with me not having a father figure in my life and tonight, it's killing me. Seeing my friends hang around their dads and actually have a great relationship with them, hurts more than ever. I've never been able to have something like that. I've never been cared for in that way. I don't know what it's like to even have a male figure in my life because no one has ever cared enough for me to stick around. Tonight, I am hurting more than ever because of this. I know, I shouldn't let this get to me but I am. I wish I knew what it was like to actually be loved by my father or by anyone for that matter.