Any help, guidance, or tips are much appreciated. Please DM me if you have answers! I’m just a lost adult trying to find his purpose and passion in his future career. 

It has been off on a great start. I’m SO GLAD that I decided to sell my clothes again and make every effort to have enough money to go to Vegas with them because that was honestly THE BEST TRIP OF MY LIFE. Never thought I was gonna get super fucking drunk/faded, roll 3 days in a row, and just have that much fun. It was honestly the time of my life and I just honestly didnt care about anything, it was so.... amazing. Anyways, school starts in 2 days for me because I only have Tues/Thurs classes this semester. I cringe everytime I think about school because this will be my toughest semester. 6 classes, from 7:30AM - 5:45PM. all back to back with an hour and half break after 1. The road to graduation is getting real. I need to get into one class really bad but If I dont then i’m screwed and its going to hold me back 1 more semester, so i’m praying I get into that class. Anyways Vibe is this weekend and I’m also hopefully going to Disneyland again. Then in two weeks is CrushSF which I’m so excited for !!! The year just started and I already have so many plans ! Its exciting to just say yes and have that fuck it mentality because I deserve this shit. Sometimes you just gotta do it and say fuck it. It feels great to do so. :) Anyways I should get ready and clean/get ready for school this week. T.T

This year was a rollercoaster of emotions. Never have I felt much mixed emotions throughout the year than any other year. So many ups and downs and I learned a lot of things about not only life but about being an adult. Graduation is sooner than I think and things are getting more serious and more stressful. This fall was something I did not expect to jump into. I honestly felt like I’ve become depressed and this isn’t just me being all sad and sappy but i truly feel like something has been wrong with me since the beginning of the semester and even with it being over I still feel the same. this feeling, its indescribable and It just wont go away. I feel like I lost all hope, all motivation, everything, And as much as it hurts to say, even dance isn’t helping me and that, THAT was the ONLY thing that I could go to when I felt dark. not this time. i’ve started to have more thoughts of loneliness, a loss of hope for everything, became more hateful, i feel secluded, I start crying and bawling, and I’ve never been in this state ever. I really HATE this part of my life right now and I just want it to go away. I even thought what life would be like if i were nonexistent. i dont know. I seem normal when I’m with people but lately i just feel temporary happiness or even none at all. This is the first time i’m going public about this matter besides 2 other people that are very close to me. but even with them I still feel the same. I guess time will heal and I just have to get out of the hole. Nevertheless, 2015 was a mixture of emotions. 2016 is going to be the year. graduation, adulthood, finding an adult job, possibly move out, do adult things. It’s gonna be real and scary and I’m just not sure if i’m ready, but i’ll have to. I’m just hoping for the best. Hopefully this feeling goes away and I can resume to my normal self. 2016, please be good to me. 

This semester has been the worst of it all. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. I have never felt this way before. I’m depressed and i’ve been feeling this way since the end of August. I just haven’t been my normal self lately and i’m trying my best to keep a strong front when i’m with my friends and other people. Everything has been so different lately and i just cant shake off this feeling. It hurts. it sucks. and im trying so hard to think on the brighter side but there isn’t a brighter side. This semester has been so shaky and i’m super nervous about my grades and financial aid status for next semester. I’m close to graduating in about a year if all goes well in which right now everyting seems so shaky. graduation, i dont even know what i’m doing afterwards. I’ve been working so hard to reach to this “end” point that now that i’m near, I have no clue of what I want to do. Having two jobs has been cumbersome. dance rehearsals and the vibe has been on and off for me truthfully speaking. and i’m just overall on a day to day basis not satisfied and happy with myself. I’ve broken down plenty of times this semester in which i never cry. I usually know how to pick myself back up and finish strong, but this semester slapped me in the face. this depression is still lingering and idk how long its going to last. i have been feeling a little distant from my friends and even close friends. everyones starting to feel like acquaintances one by one. people aren’t there for you when you need them. i feel alone. hopeless. these thoughts keep running through my mind each night when i can’t sleep even if I want to. its 4:14AM on thanksgiving and i’m awake. im feeling hopeless.................................. help..

Too many things and too many thoughts in my mind running. 

I lowkey feel disrespected or shutdown everytime I want to suggest something. and i literally mean everytime, and sorry if i dont know how to put my words together sometimes but shoot it happens every single time. This is solely a reason why I don’t like to give input because everyone see’s me as some type of fool and my ideas are invalid or insufficient. Everyone is supposed to have an equal voice right? nvm i’ll just stay quiet because regardless i’m going to be treated like a fool. 

I’m finally feeling the pressure of everything building on top of each other. Full time student (15 units), two jobs (7 days a week), and dance rehearsal (3 days a week). I’m trying my best to keep my composure and hang in there but it gets so demanding to the point that I’m physically exhausted. This semester has been my toughest semester yet and I need to pull it together and end strong. #prayformeyall 

I haven’t blogged in a minute, but I felt like tonight was suitable for me to write some things down and move on forward. This semester has been my busiest semester yet. 15 units may not be alot but going into my 4th year while taking 4/5 upper division classes is kicking my ass. I’m currently struggling in some classes and doing well in others. 8AM start with 4 almost back to back classes on Monday and Wednesdays following with work 15 minutes after my last class ends and ending it with dance rehearsal from 9-12:30PM. Tuesday Thursdays start off with 1 class and work from 1-5PM. My brother and his friend finally opened their new Poke restaurant called Hokee Poke in Elk Grove and i’ve started working there recently. I work there on  Friday - Sunday with 6-7 hour shifts each day while recently being promoted to a shift leader within a week, I have a lot of things to learn and a lot of things on my plate. I feel physically and emotionally drained these past few weeks but i’m trying my best to hang in there and keep pushing. Its tough. I’m not going to lie and I give mad respect for people who have more on their plate than I do. I even contemplated on taking a break form Press P.L.A.Y. but I couldn’t because they’re one of the reasons that have been keeping me sane lately. I have never felt this exhausted ever. I barely even have time to eat. This semester is like the part in the road where they start throwing rocks at you to see if you can still move forward and pass the obstacles. This semester is a struggle but I have to keep reminding myself to take a step back and just breathe. 

dance. I feel like everything is finally coming together again. I felt like i fell off a cliff at one point with dance. I felt so consistent and that I wasn’t growing and I started to lose confidence. we’re working on our prelude/bodyrock set this month and i can honestly say that i’ve been practicing and practicing my ass off to be in pieces and to be stronger in the critiques that I get. Monday I got casted into Alex’s piece, which I usually never really make his pieces, but my name got called and I felt a  sense of achievement and joy. Now not only did I make the piece, I was put in back center. I’m not gonna lie, I felt so happy to be where I was. I’m in and out of Len’s piece which is perfect. and for the ender I’m in the same spots as I was last time which is fine by me. Tonight we’re casting the last piece which is our intro and omg, I’ve worked so hard for this piece but If I don’t make it then I understand theres improvement that needs to be made. regardless, I am so happy with where I’m at right now because I really worked hard this month and it all showed. 

Since that day my mom had found my empty henessy bottle in my car she’s been on my fucking case again about being home late. I swear it was perfect for the past like 2-3 months until she found that bottle. It just frustrates me so much that she still treats me like a kid. this has been ongoing for sooooo fucking long that i’ve had it and im on the verge of yelling back so bad. Todays fucking mothers day and it took every part of me to stay quiet. I’m 21, I have a job, I’m about to graduate probably next year, i’m a incoming 4th year, i get good grades, like idk what else needs to hit her to believe that i’m GROWING UP. Yea yea yea say that i’m young and shit but tbh im not that teenager anymore and for goodness sake LET ME LIVE. It frustrates me so much that i’m spending my youth in this solitary confinement of a place I call “home”. Yes I’m thankful for caring parents and a place to live and alot of other stuff, but a part of letting me grow up and learning from my mistakes and being able to live my youth is something that you need to accept. I’ve been living in this notion of life that you put me in that I’m always in some fuckin safe path that it terrifies me to make mistakes and to take risks out in the real world and it SUCKS. it truly does. I just feel like sometimes I’m not able to breathe and im suffocating because of all this built up anger and frustration that I have. But you know what. Go ahead. I’ll give you one more year. Because after I graduate I’m DEFINITELY going to move out to an apartment and I dont care if it means i’ll be broke, I’ll just work more. at least i’ll feel like an adult and be able to just live my life the way I want to. For goodness sake because of you guys I dont even know what my future career path is going to be like because you guys held me back in this town that gives me no opportunity in the thigns I want to pursue in. I really just want you to understand that sometimes, you need to realize im not that little kid anymore and that i’m growing up. it sucks to see it happen but you guys need a reality check that i’m an adult. 

Body Rock is in a month and a half, Prelude is in 29 days. I told myself from the day we started this new set that when I audition I was going to go full out and more stronger than I ever have been but only to get the same critiques that I’m still a soft dancer and that I’m safe, which isnt a bad thing but its holding me back. I’m always one step behind or I have something that pulls me back. But I SWEAR when I audition I feel like i’m giving it my all but I guess not. As for making pieces, man I just really want to be in alot of pieces. My mentality with being in pieces is that I want to do better than the last time I performed and I want to surpass and be better than I could have been. So when I don’t make it into pieces, man it tears me apart. I know I sound so stupid right now and ungrateful but fuck I swear I have different intentions than others. Tonight was challenging, learned a fast paced intense piece from one of our captains. Asked multiple people to critique me and give me advice and tbh i think it finally hit me hard. “Knowing what you need to work on is great, but applying it and making a change will truly help you” so thanks to my teammates, directors,and captains, I think I am finally going to truly start on this diet/workout. As of right now I’m going to look up workout plans and hopefully find a gym partner and go to the gym and use the Well since i’m paying for it through tuition. I gotta start somewhere.... #endofrant 

Great vibes and great people was all I needed tonight and I had it all. Tonight was a great night. From seeing everyone to eating delicious foods to playing games.... it was allll great. Definitely did not see myself getting any type of award today but i was honored to receive the Most Improved Male Award. I was literally shocked when I heard my name. Since I joined, this team has test my limits and pushed me further than I could have imagined. I can't tell you how many times I've doubted myself and was SO hard on myself for the smallest things. From not making it into certain pieces, being in only 1 or 2 pieces, not being p.l.a.y.er, these little things took a huge affect on myself because I felt like I was doing everything wrong and I was not getting to the destination I wanted to be at. Now looking back I'm glad everything happened, because it just shows with hard work and determination I will get to where I want to be. Bridge set I finally made it into 3 pieces and made it into the piece I wanted to be in the most, Royce's piece. After Bridge I was bumped up to a P.L.A.Y.er. From that point on I finally felt like this were falling into place. This team taught me that if I truly wanted something I had to work for it and so I did. This entire year I took in every critique and worked on it one by one. I noticed that If I focused on one particular critique for a good period of time I would gradually get better and I did. Also with freestyling, that was one of my huge fears but I had to change my mentality and this entire month i gained the confidence to move freely in a cypher without thinking about what others think. Now that I have seen my accomplishments I'm glad everything had happened the way it did because if it didnt I wouldn't be where I am today. Thanks Press P.L.A.Y. for literally changing my life. Its been a crazy first year with ya'll and im already seeing this gen 8 going on a great start :) 

1 month from today, Press Play will be having auditions !!! I cannot stress how much this team has given to me. Its crazy to think that its almost been a year that I have been on this team. From watching their 2013 Body Rock set over and over to being a part of the team and being able to fulfill a longtime dream that I never thought would come so soon, perform at Body Rock. Aside from the amazing times we have performing, I just love the chemistry that this team has. I'm so blessed to be able to dance with every one of these individuals and to be able to show the crowd the definition of P.L.A.Y. on stage when we perform. They have given me so many opportunities and pushed me to do my best and show me that there aren't any limitations. Because of this team I actually lost 20 pounds within the first few months and I have always had problems with trying to lose weight. I guess what I'm just trying to say is this team has given me so much joy and I wouldn't trade it for anything. So COME OUT and AUDITION for a team that has something no other team has, be a part of this amazing family called Fam Royale, and be prepared to hop on this amazing Gen 8 journey !  ‪#‎longpost‬ ‪#‎sorrynotsorry‬

Today felt amazing.... besides the fact that we did cardio because I am SO OUTA SHAPE lolll but on the side note I have acomplished some goals that I have been working on lately. First is I finally made something and had the courage to showcase it for submissions whether its good or not I felt confident and comfortable to showcase, thanks especially to Erik for collabing with me aswell ! Then had auditions for Royce's piece and I also made that which has been my goal since like the beginning process of Prelude, my goal was to make it into one of Royce's piece and I finally did. When he said I made it the sense of accomplishment literally hit through my entire body because for not making it into breakthrough and making it during my redemption, it felt amazing. NTS that I shouldn't give up and keep going because sometimes when second chances come your way thats when its your time to shine and show off that you didnt just stop there. Lastly I am in 3 pieces, unless I get cut out for austin's piece which I actually don't know if I do or not but we'll see. But as of right now, I AM in 3 pieces and another goal of mine after Prelude was to make it into 3 or more pieces and I finally made it. It may seem silly to others but these small little goals just push me a step further away to my big goal and I just know that I'm going to get there step by step eventually reaching the top. So for right now, I'm going to just retain all the info, critiques, and everything that I can learn and apply it to the future. I can only go up if I keep up the hard work. Aggggh ! I feel grateful.