To The Moon

I believe this is where we part ways and go on our own separate paths. For now at least. What the future holds, no one can predict.

Count your blessings. You can make it in this world even if doesn’t feel like it somedays. Stay true to yourself. Don’t focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, focus on the journey. Make smart decisions, and keep yourself safe. You WILL make a great teacher and a better mother some day.

Ending this post is proving to be my toughest challenge in a while.

Someday someone is going to love you more than I did. And someday you will love them more than you did me. Until that day comes, do not settle for anything less than Prince Charming. You are too valuable of a person to be brought down by people beneath you. Love as you loved me, and be loved the way that I loved you. You’re a diamond and if someone doesn’t realize that, they don’t deserve to be in your life.

I’m thankful for the time we had, for the laughs we had, for the experiences we shared with each other. I hope one day we will both be able to look back and smile.

I don’t know if I’ll ever have enough time to say everything I’d like to. I don’t know if I’d even be able to.

My last piece of advice for you: settle for no less than perfect, and don’t be thrown off your course for a Siren’s song.

You will forever have a place in my heart. I will be forever grateful for the time that we were completely insane.

I wish we could go back to New Years 2017 start over from there and do it differently, better. But we can’t. This is hand we’ve been dealt and this is the hand I’m trying to make the most of. I refuse to fold. You can win at poker by bluffing. So that’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to bluff until I don’t have to anymore.

Fake it until you make it. That’s what my dad always told me. You pretend to do something long enough, you’ll eventually be able to do it.

I wish I would wake up tomorrow with no memory of the last 60 days. I wish that we didn’t have to go through what we did and wish we didn’t have to go through what we have to now. But we do. That’s life. Once something has been said or done, you can’t take it back.

I have to live in this hellish reality that I thought would never come. My best friend feels like a stranger. My lover has never been farther. My reality became a fantasy, and biggest fears became my reality.

I hope one day it doesn’t hurt to see you or hear someone say your name. I hope one day we can sit down and have a coffee and reconnect and nobody gets hurt. But that day is not today.

So until that day comes, I need time and space to be angry, to be sad, to have regrets, to not have regrets, to heal, to stop hurting, and to feel my feelings.

If you do one more thing for me, and that’s the last thing you ever do for me, put it down. Put it down. Please. If we never speak again, let that be the last thing I ask of you. Let that be your last promise to me.

It may not feel like it right now, but you’re better than that. You’re stronger than that. You don’t need that.

Put down the damn bottle too. You want to feel, feel. Feel your emotions, even if it ruins you. Because drugs and alcohol will ruin you, and then your feelings will ruin you anyway. You don’t want to be numb. I’m numb, and I don’t want to be. Nobody wants to, and you don’t want to. So stop it. Pick your shit up off the floor and keeping trucking like I know you can. Don’t fall down that hole.

It doesn’t matter what I try, it doesn’t work. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I want to forget about you or to think of you every second. I don’t know if I want to move on, or stay here. I don’t know if I’m sad, angry, both or neither. I’m just numb.

All I know is that I don’t want to see you with someone else. I have a feeling you probably are, and that’s fine because we’re not together, but I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to hear about it. It will kill me.