my life is bullshit: a memoir

I ran out of room. so here I go again. I miss you Chase Edward Weber. spitting image of your momma, sharp wit of your dad, laugh like I’ve never heard before. god I wish I could hear that laugh again. I think I have a video of it somewhere. of us talking. something to hold onto. I watch our videos more than my dad’s and he’s actually dead. I hold onto the memory of you. because it’s all I have left. my memories, my pictures, my videos. your clothes don’t smell like you anymore. I wish they did. I wish I had your cologne to have. I wish I would have stolen it from you. I wonder if you kept my perfume. probably not. but a part of me likes to think that you kept it and that you smell it when you miss me. and that you hid it away behind your clothes. just like you kept Lauren’s stuff. and yes to answer your question, I still like the sound of Mrs. Weber. I would be absolutely honored. but I know that will never be me. I miss my friend. yes, I miss my boyfriend Chase but I miss my friend Chase more. I miss laughing until I cried, I miss you tackling me onto your bed, I miss Marylou curling up behind me while I slept. I miss kissing you in the middle of the night. I miss hearing you talk in your sleep. I miss running my fingers over your face. I miss hearing the footsteps over us in the morning. I miss walking to Wawa in the middle of the night. I miss every single inch of you. from that dirty blonde hair to the shoes you wore that I bought you. I wonder if you still wear them. I wonder if you think of me when you put them on. I wonder if you look at the globe I bought you and wonder where in the world I am. I wonder if you knew it was me the times we drove by each other in Bel Air. I wonder if you ever see me when I drive by your house. I try not to look. I try not to see if you’re home. sometimes you are, sometimes I see your light on and peeking through the curtains that I touched. the door we walked through a million times. the cigarettes we smoked after a long day. I wish I had studied your face more while I had a chance. I miss you so much that it’s a hole in my heart. it’s a gaping, bleeding, ripped apart hole. it’s like a bullet went through it from a gun that I faced there and we both pulled the trigger. I did that to myself. and I wish I could have you come sew it up. I feel so empty and lifeless this year. the past three months are genuinely the worst I’ve ever experienced. worse than when my dad died. worse than after we broke up. worse than sitting at his grave. worse than losing ten pounds from starving myself after we split. it’s worse than it all. and I’m collapsing under the weight. I wish I could just fade away. I wish I could just leave. I wish I could die so I could watch over you. maybe then you would miss me. maybe then you would yearn for me. I’m not saying I’m going to kill myself, nothing like that. just that maybe if I were dead, you would miss me like I miss you. I love you. I always have. I always will. please know that. please feel my heart someday. please hear my voice in the back of your head. please look at our pictures. please miss me so I can stop missing you. I love you Chase Edward Weber. I love you I love you I love you.

I miss you. so much. I’m struggling so much. I know you hate this time of year. I’m sorry I made you hate it more. I wish I could hold you. I’m doing so bad right now. I thought about self harming just now. I know how disappointed you would be in me. I’m so sorry that I hurt you. my baby. not anymore but always at the same time. I can’t find the words I want to say. I wish I knew how to do this. “I’ve been going through the motions, learning how to pretend that everything is perfect” those words and this song is the only thing I can find to feel. I wish you knew. I wish I could have coffee with you. I wish I could surprise you with something on your doorstep. I wish it was me. I wish I wasn’t the person you hated most. I just want to stay in bed all day. I wish I didn’t want to collapse under the weight of the world. I wish I could stand. I wanted to say that I need you. in actuality, I don’t need you. I can stand on my own. but I want you more than anything. leave her and come back to me. come home. let me come home. let me come back. let’s run away together. far away. just you and me. because I know I could win you back that way. I could save you. I could save me. I could make all the hurt go away baby boy. my chasey. I’m struggling so hard not to cry right now. I’m trying to be strong. I wish I had kept the letter I wrote you. I wish I could read it. but it’s long gone now. I destroyed it along with that tshirt. I have so many of your clothes. hidden away, put away to keep myself from wearing them. I should probably box them up and give them back but it’s the last piece I have of you. and the penguin you won me. and your bluetooth in my car. and your hair gel. I know all of those things are stupid but it’s the last pieces I have to hold onto you by. it’s all I have left. and you threw away every piece of me. I wonder if you kept my letter. I wonder if you kept the gifts I gave you. I wonder if you have anything of mine back in that storage closet. I wonder if you miss me sometimes. I wonder if you ever want to call me when you get excited. I miss the sound of your voice. I forget what it sounds like. I miss Mexico. I miss sleepovers at your house. I miss hugging your mom and hearing Jose whistle in the morning. I miss signing with your sister at pizza night at Enotria’s. I miss the fleeting moments. I wish I knew I was in the good life while I was in the good life. now I’m just empty and broken and ashamed of myself. I wish I had held you just a little bit longer. I wish I had filled my nose with your scent while I could. I wish I had kept Marylou’s hair on me instead of always brushing it off. I wish I could look through our texts. I wish I could find the last time you told me you loved me. I wish I could hear it. I think I have a voicemail I can listen to. I might listen to it but it might make me break down. maybe I can listen to it and be okay. I’m going to try. I have four voicemails. I listened to them all. I listened to one I had never heard before. you left it the day after Christmas. your voice was so sweet and soft. you were so hurt. I’m so sorry I did that to you. it truly feels like you’re dead. like I can never talk to you again. I know if I really wanted to, I could pick up the phone and call you. I won’t disrupt your life though. I always hope I run into you places but I know if I did, it would break me. you still have the stickers I bought you in your car. a little piece of me. that makes me happy. and sad. all at the same time. you’ll never see it as a piece of me. neither will she. but I know it’s there. my fingerprints are still on them. no one knows but me. the mark I left on that room. the places I touched. the tears I cried in there. the kisses we shared. no one will ever know but me. do you know that I think of you every day? one year later and I still think of you every single day. I still find myself singing your songs. screaming your name when I get sad. I cried at my dad’s grave about you the other day. I begged him to bring you back to me. I know it’ll never happen because you’re happy now.

I’m sorry for how terrible I was to you. you deserved so much better. I loved you so much and will always have a special place in my heart for you. thank you for being my first great love and thank you for helping me grow into the woman I am today. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t be what you needed but I’m so fucking grateful that you’ve found someone who could. I’m so happy for you and I hope that you ask her to marry you. thank you for trying, thank you for fighting, thank you for letting me go so I could grow. I’m sorry I was so shitty to you in the months afterwards. I’m better now and still want to get that cup of coffee you promised me. let me know if you’re ever around.

hi, I’ve missed you tumblr. I’ve missed the old me but I think I’m starting to find her again. second chances and scary things have happened. I was reading Cale’s old tumblr for me and it made me giggle and want to cry at the same time. I hope he’s doing okay. I’d like to go get that cup of coffee sometime. but as for me, I’m okay. hanging in there. doing alright I guess. I’ve needed some space from life and I think I’ve gotten it. I’m ready to move forward now. let’s do this.

I’ve learned to love myself. I’ve learned my worth and I’ve learned to accept my own “flaws” although I find that they aren’t flaws anymore. they’re parts of my character and they are just as beautiful as my heart is. my ability to love after pure and earth shattering heartbreak is so amazing. I love that about myself. I love my freckles and the way my hips fit in my favorite jeans. I love the way I know how to hold people when they need it. I love the way I feel in a fast car with loud music and sunshine. I love how my eyes crinkle a bit when I smile. I love how my smile is attracting and how my laugh is contagious. I love this version of myself. almost 21, happy, and so beautiful. I didn’t know my worth for a long time. I do now. I see how people see me. I see the happy, bubbly, no longer “broken” girl with the messed up past. I love the way I walk and how I hold my crown on top my head. I love this girl that I didn’t know how to love for a long time and I’m so lucky that I found someone to love her like I do.

I’m fucking crying because I miss you. I miss you so much and I hate it. I want to hate you. fuck this stupid fucking goddamn shit. I’m so angry. I want to fucking scream at the fucking sky. I’m so angry and so hurt and I hate everything. I want to call you. I know I shouldn’t. I want to tell you how sorry I am. I know I can’t. I’m so fucking angry. I can’t think straight. all I see is your fucking face. I feel like I’m going to vomit. I can’t do this.

tonight you told me you can’t wait to have babies with me. “when I look down at our baby’s eyes and they have your eyes, that’ll be the happiest day of my life.” tears came to my eyes because you really truly love me. you picked out baby names with me. you kissed me and told me that you can’t wait to have “the most beautiful babies in the world” with me. you leaned down and said you can’t wait to kiss my belly and talk to the baby when it happens some day. I love you so damn much. you told me tonight that as soon as you can financially support me and a baby that you want to start a family. you have all of these plans for us. you want a family. you want a family with me. it takes my breath away.

I sat on the floor and sobbed and prayed for ten minutes. I prayed for guidance and for help. I need help because this hurts so much that it’s suffocating me. I want to hurt myself. I want to hurt myself so bad. I want to cut my arm again. I just tore a piece of skin off my leg that was healing because I wanted to feel something. I can’t do this. I feel sick. I need you. I want to call you and I know that I can’t. I know I should want to call my boyfriend but I want you. I want you to hold me and tell me “everything will be okay angel” I wanted to call you sweetheart tonight but I knew you would be angry. I hate making you angry. I’m so lonely and hurting. “sometimes I wanna cave and I don’t wanna fight” I want to give up. I want to give it all up. talking to you is the best thing to happen to me in the past month at least. I would give anything to hear your voice. I hate this so much. I prayed to god that he helped me. I prayed that he led me in the right direction. I prayed to know what to do. I don’t talk to god a lot but I find that when I do, I have you on my mind. you talked about the ring you bought. I always wanted to know what it looked like. I’m sure it was beautiful. I’m sorry if I hurt you by reaching out tonight. I can’t thank you enough for talking to me. it made me feel better even though I spent the whole conversation crying. I’m so alone. and I want to hurt myself. I need to make phone calls. or go to sleep. anything to give myself a distraction. anything to stop thinking about your lips on my skin. anything to stop thinking about your hands in mine and your arms around my waist and your cheek pressed against mine and your chest under my head. anything to stop thinking about Charlie. anything to stop thinking about Emaleigh Simon. anything. something. I don’t know anymore.

I hate fighting with you. so much. it makes both of us absolutely miserable. I’ve been trying all day to deescalate this fight and nothing worked no matter what I did. I’m at a loss. I don’t know what more to say. I’ve tried and tried and tried and tried some more to make this right. but you’re mad because now you feel obligated to go to a concert that you don’t want to go to.

I hate everything you are. you make my life a living hell. and you don’t even care. I fucking hate you. I hate you. I want to tell you to your face that I hate you. I want to tell you that I hate being your child and that I hate that you’re my mother. and to my stepfather, you were supposed to protect me. you never do. you were supposed to stop her and you never do. you were supposed to take care of me. and you never do. you promised that when you married her that you would love us too. loving us means that you’ll protect us. and you don’t. not from the verbal abuse, not from the emotional abuse. none of it. and I hate you both for it.

I hate you. you’re an abusive, terrible mother. I wish I was never born to you. I wish I was someone else’s kid. I hate you. you treat me like I’m the kid you should have aborted. you’re a terrible human being and an even worse mother. I’m glad god didn’t give you another kid to ruin.